Heartbroken but trying to move forward- but now being harassed?

[Be2Be]

I am 30 my ex- boyfriend of almost 4 years is 43. We met at the gym (Both bodybuilders) We were in a committed relationship and were very happy together never argue, fight exchange sour words. We were both into fitness and our own lives and have a happy one together and were planning on getting engaged for my birthday this August.

 

This past February his soon to be ex-wife got a hold of my Instagram account and started sending vicious messages and pictures from years back when to me and I obviously questioned him. When I asked him if he was in fact divorced- it turned out (hey I only assumed he was) that they had been legally separated for 7 years and when he first went to file (5 Years ago) she contested it out of spite/scorn and it was negligence on his part due to finances being self-employed etc. There was ZERO indication of her ever even living in his house and despite this we have been side by side, (introduced me to his children/family) vacations, mutual friends, gym etc. other than this. Yes, I'm hurt but was willing to forgive as an isolated action NOT the person and his reasoning when I asked why he didn't tell me his marital status from the get go he said he was afraid of losing me and now has a heart full of guilt/remorse.

 

He filed the next day after our discussion (supposedly). The month of March were total Hell on Earth for him and I, since she continued to harass me, call, text (hacked his phone) and finally broke the last straw a month ago when she hit him in the face 5x in front of his son/girlfriend who was leaving for the Air force the next day. After this he said he needed a break/space to figure it all out and get his head straight. He's threw himself in church every week and in spiritual counseling.

 

It left me hurt and sad since before any of this we did have a great relationship- peas & carrots for real!

 

During this break, which started in April- we decided we would talk once a week on Sundays on the phone and the last two weeks we’ve seen each other in person and it feels like time hasn’t passed OR feel awkward very loving towards each other, hugging etc. and he told me to relax and things would be ok between us, and he is truly trying to make peace with his past so he can be a better man standing next to me. He said taking this break he felt was for the best and if we continued to be together during this time it would inevitably tear us apart, while he works through his personal drama and did not want to drag me through the mud any further than what already happened.

 

He's was supposedly doing a lot of self-improvement and bought into a gym in May with his friend so he’s busy with that and then a week later broke his foot, and trying to keep his other construction business afloat. I feel a lot of these things have nothing to do with “we” and more “him” and I didn't feel like a priority at the moment- before ALL this storm that happened in February I was now… he said he was trying to fix himself before he could fix us.

 

This Sunday when we saw each other in person he brought up (and knows I want my own family) having another baby because he loves children and before all the above we had discussed this because I realized his age difference from me and he said he truly missed having a baby around and it would be blessing and I’d be a beautiful Mom- but yesterday he said he’s on the fence because some days he wakes up missing cuddling, snuggling and being with a baby (and recently had a dream about having one and feels it is a sign from God of the joy that is missing in his life) and then other days he’s not so sure (due to his recent injury being in construction he feels he may not be able to be a good Dad again) .

 

I called him that night and told him that I love him with my entire heart but that my future husband would want to have a baby with me at some point down the road- and that I wasn’t on a timeline any longer and was ok with things unfolding their natural way like we fell in love but not to waste my time.

 

I told him to let me go if that was the case because a child is non-negotiable for me as I do want a child at least 2 years down the road (still building my career, finishing school etc.- not sitting at home twiddling my thumbs). He said he didn’t say NO altogether and that I need to see the positive in this instead of just automatically going to the negative and he is still open to it, just needs some time to get his life in order (since the last 4 months have been total CHAOS). I’m open to either 1 or 2 kids because I do have a wonderful career that is moving uphill very fast and he is very supportive of what I’m doing with my life- I’ve never been one to ask him for money or be that needy woman-

 

We continued to be on this "break" and two months ago his ex-wife was attacked by a pitbull (167 stitches) almost lost her arm. So of course since there was nobody else to take care of her- my ex boyfriend had to go to the rescue and do what he could for her while their son was off in the military. Weekend of July 4th she tried to commit suicide and he went to her rescue again after a text message she sent to their son saying, "I'll always love you". Due to her attempted suicide their son had to take a leave from the military and Al figured once he got home that it would alleviate of him having to help her. In the interim she continued to call and harass me he claims she had his social security # and was able to hack into his phone- I do not think so and am pretty confident she was on his phone plan.

 

Few weeks go by and he and I continue to see each other at the gym breakfast etc. (no intimacy etc because he says he has zero drive for that given how depressed he is with broken foot, her, etc etc.) I had to borrow his laptop for a school assignment and I snooped through his emails and an exchange that occurred between them the weekend she was in the hospital. He indicated to her that there had been no sexual contact between the two of us "referring to me" and told her his life mission was to take care of HER, loved her, couldn't bare the thought of her being with anyone else etc etc. When I confronted him with this he said it was not said in that manner and he didn't know what to do since she was in the hospital recovering from the surgeries and was on the verge of a breakdown. I told him it was better for us not to see each other anymore until he had divorce papers to show me (because also referenced in the email she said to please initiate the divorce papers).

 

Mind you she can't work, collects disability and really is just a bottom feeder- his plan was to give her $3,000 for a car and take it from the divorce settlement. She said she wanted a car note since why should she just settle for that when she could get more. He said the whole car deal was off the table.

 

August 7th I said I could not continue to go on feeling this way (nerves, anxiety, crying worry etc) so he told me his counselor told him if he loved me to set me free and that our paths would cross again and for now we needed to take space and go our separate ways to both heal from this he said he didn't deserve me and I deserved better. I asked if it was a break up but he said no and it was just a means for us to both heal from this mess. He wanted to get things back on track to dating in September but I did not see any progress of that happening.

 

Something in my gut told me after his email strings telling her there was no "contact" between us that his allegiance was not to me but to her so I drove by his house- saw her car parked out back last Friday evening and the week before it was parked in front of his house. Went by the next night and saw her car with no plates on it and then drove by her apartment. Her plates were on a relatively new Nissan Rogue and his car was parked in front of her apartment. My sister and I waited to see what would happen around 10:30pm - their son came out from the apartment with his girlfriend and drove away in the new car. Hi car remained- we drove by later that night (around 4 a.m. to see) and behold his car was still there.

 

Obviously the break was to let me down easy and for them to fix their relationship. I have not heard from him and blocked his calls- I am just so hurt and so perplexed by the whole situation that why after 7 years of separation they decided to now get back together despite his son telling him that they did NOT belong together and they are just miserable together.

 

Again ZERO Contact in 2 + months- I'm doing what I can to move forward with my life. Now his estranged wife is stalking my LinkedIn page (I blocked her) and last Friday evening 12AM I got a berage of text messages from her saying she found a bag of gifts I had given to my ex- and that they laughed and burned them (pictures, a letter and a stuffed animal I had given him). I really doubt he would do this- and she said I'd NEVER get what her's again.... said alot of vicious insults about me and that he realized I was everything he didn't WANT in a wife and she would send me "D" pics to prove it She is 48 YEARS OLD total trash mouth.

 

Just wondering why she is now harassing me if they are so happy together and she's moved back in. Mind u the next morning she posted an old wedding photo of them together on instagram after she sent me those 30+ messages (I've sent them all to SPAM). Just need some thoughts- I blocked all social media etc- I just want to move to a new place and start a new career as quickly and quietly as I can.

[abitbroken]

Firstly, this guy is MARRIED and cannot get engaged to you! That is the cue to run away. Why didn't you?

 

Secondly, this is a very disturbing attitude:

Mind you she can't work, collects disability and really is just a bottom feeder

God forbid you should contract Lyme disease, hurt your back badly doing your bodybuilding stuff, etc. Just because someone is disabled doesn't mean they are a "bottomfeeder"

 

I would be livid if my husband had been having an affair and i wouldn't resort to harassing her but some would. Are you sure it isn't HIM messaging you on social media?

 

Honestly, i would swear to myself never to tangle with a married man no matter if he swears his marriage is over, and i would block them both on social media and go to a different gym

[DancingFool]

How would you feel about another woman in your husband's life? Her attacking you and lashing out and seeking to punish you is not really surprising. I mean she won't blame him, but you are a very convenient punching bag. Blocking them both and moving on as quickly as possible is smart and healthy for you and hands down the best path you can take.

 

Overall, I kind of feel sorry for you. It seemed like an above board relationship you had....except for the fact that you trusted him and didn't verify for yourself that what he is telling you is accurate. Really harsh way to learn to check court records for yourself before you trust him.

 

Btw, he really fed you a truckload of bs about divorce and how she was contesting it and so he couldn't, blah, blah, blah. A spouse can't block divorce. You might want to learn more about that so that you don't get bs'ed ever again about that or rather instantly recognize bs when you hear it going forward.

 

Bottom line is when someone isn't divorced, regardless of how many years they've been separated, assume that there are some emotional strings keeping them together and keeping them from actually divorcing. Their connection will pretty much always trump yours and so it's just a matter of time before things blow up in your face. In your case, they blew up pretty spectacularly.

 

Oh and as for the guy telling you he will propose, years ago I knew of a couple where the man wasn't divorced, hid that, they dated, were engaged for years, he kept avoiding setting a date. Someone finally stumbled on to the fact that he is married and not divorced and told her. After they split up, he went back to his wife and then proceeded to get some other woman as a side chic. Never ever divorced his wife. So.....always always verify...... and never ever ever get involved with someone who is still married no matter what they claim.