De-coding ex-boyfriends behaviour/ mixed messages

[tooconfusing]

Hello,

 

This is going to be long, sorry, but I'm so confused! My ex boyfriend and I broke up around 2 months ago (both in our 20's) after a year and a half relationship because we argued too much and saw each other too often basically. I had had a very rough year with multiple family deaths and huge health concerns which put enormous strain on our relationship, although the health concerns have now gone. I tried to tell him we could work these things out but he said he didn't want to try anymore. We've never really had a period of no contact because, whilst we don't text, or speak on the phone, we live in the same city and frequent the same pubs/ clubs. This means I see him about twice a week.

 

Whenever I bump into him out, he always comes up to me first, even if he knows I haven't seen him, hugs me and we chat for 15/20 minutes then go our separate ways, then later on in the night he comes back over, hugs me again and we chat again. I never approach him first. Even if we pass each other on opposite sides of the street he will cross the road in order to have a conversation with me. We don't chat about the relationship, and it's not particularly awkward so that part is okay.

 

When I bumped into him in a club the other day, he hugged me for ages, then teased me (in a flirty way I think, but my perception of these things is v poor) about needing a haircut, stood very close to me the whole time, told me I smelt nice multiple times and then patted my bum. When he went back to all his friends he kept pointing at me, although I have no idea why. He also kept looking at me when he was with his friends. Before he left the club, he hung around me, obviously quite reluctant to go (although he was very drunk) even after all his friends have left.

 

However, even though he still has stuff at my house that he wants, he is so dead set on not texting me first that he wont arrange a time to pick them up. I mentioned to him last week I had them, but I was busy all week so he couldn't pick them up, so we said we'd arrange something this week, but because he won't text me first, it still hasn't happened. I'm not sure whether he won't text me first because he's afraid of giving me the wrong impression or something? We haven't met up one-on-one since we broke up.

 

I know he is not with anyone else at the moment, and he knows that I still love him. I have tried to act a little distant. When I saw him yesterday in a queue for a club I said hi to him and his friends and then walked on, whereas he would have stopped to chat for ages.

 

He is still very jokey with me, we are getting on fine, it just seems that he says he doesn't want to be together but when we are out, and he's drunk, he keeps touching me and being flirty so I don't really know what to take from that, PLEASE HELP!!

[MissCanuck]

He needs to stop all the hugging and chatting and teasing. Tell him that. Explain that it confuses you, since he was clear he doesn't want to be together, and it's hurtful to your recovery.

 

Then tell him he needs to pick up his stuff by X date, or it will be packed into a box and left outside and you are not responsible for what happens to it after that. I would advise getting a third party to pick it up, actually.

 

It sounds very much as though he is keeping you on stand-by while he is single. But as soon as he meets another girl, he will disappear. I can't tell you how many times I have seen this happen. Set some boundaries now and make it clear that he is to keep his distance unless and until he wants to try to sort out your problems and work toward reconciliation.

[Starlight925]

It sounds very much as though he is keeping you on stand-by while he is single. But as soon as he meets another girl, he will disappear. I can't tell you how many times I have seen this happen.

 

^^^ This.

 

He is single now, and likely a bit lonely, so he figures as long as you let him talk to you, laugh with you, etc., he can keep you on his back burner. Don't let him.

 

He's not even mature enough to text you first. Let him go completely. Tell him to get his stuff, and be done.

[tooconfusing]

I know you're both right, he's just trying to keep his options open. I am going to wait for him to text me about his stuff though, if he wants it, he can come and get it, otherwise i'll chuck it, he knows where it is