Depressed girlfriend ? How to help ?

[jay228]

Hi me(17) and my gf(18) and in currently in a LDR. We been together for about a month or so.

My girlfriend has depression. She has low self esteem as well. Its affecting our relationship pretty bad. It hurts me to see her suffer like this. She was bullied when she was younger. People told her she isn't worthy and all. She believe that for a long time. She think she is fat a wouldn't eat and one time she collapsed due to not eating anything. She used to cut herself and drink alcohol to numb herself. That is all happening before I even met her.

When we met and the weeks after she seem fine but she did told me she had depression but its getting better. She told me she stopped cutting herself but she still drink from time to time and got drunk. There's one time when she was down, she cutted herself again. I made her promise not to and made her flush her needle(which she use to cut herself) down the toilet. There's another time when she got drunk and another guy was harassing her. He wanted to have sex with her. Thank god she wasnt that drunk and was able to resist it. That's the time she promised me not to drink anymore.

Now without all that cutting and drinking to relief herself from the emotional pain. She's being alot more sad most of the time. I didn't even notice it until one night she was texting strange and I called her straight up and she told me everything. She was really depressed. I comforted her and try to help her as much as I can. We talk for hours. Then the next day she said she's fine and I really thought she is but truth is she isn't.

Before I get to that part...we used to sext alot and we enjoyed it. That night i thought everything was fine because she was texting like before. She seem happy, so I sexted her but I can see that she isn't as into it as before.

So I asked her if something is wrong ? After a few mintues she told me everything. She is was kinda crying while telling me. She is really depressed and don't know why she is feeling this way? She was hiding it from me because she is afraid that I will get sick of her and dump her. A lot of these time is pretending to be happy. I kept telling her that I will help her and a lot of other stuff but tbh I don't know how to help...I even told her to seek professional help and she did called a few...now waiting for them to call her back.

For the time being what can I do to help her ? Honestly this is affecting me quite a lot. She cares about me but mostly she doesn't seem to take interest in me ? As in she doesnt ask me how I am doing or what am I doing. When I share my stuff with her she just acknowledge it, not say anything about it and continues to talk about herself. This is bothering me and I don't think now its the right time to bring it up to her as I dont want her to feel pressure as she is but is this caused by her depression ? How can I help her with her depression ? I really love her and I genuinely want to be together with her. Any advice would help. Thank you.

[pippy longstocking]

Jay this is going to sound awful , but in my honest opinion you have to let this one go ....you have been together only a month or so and it is LDR and you are dragged right into this crazy world of depression and self harm .. now that is no way to enjoy a relationship is it .

 

she cutted herself again. I made her promise not to and made her flush her needle(which she use to cut herself) down the toilet.

 

^^^ Darling this will never ever work , not with anything , telling someone to stop smoking and hiding their cigarettes , taking an alcoholics bottle of vodka and hiding it ..all pointless , if it were that easy to stop then self harmers wouldn't go through the hell they go through .

 

But above all of that .....this is the bit I am glad you recognise

 

Honestly this is affecting me quite a lot. She cares about me but mostly she doesn't seem to take interest in me ? As in she doesnt ask me how I am doing or what am I doing. When I share my stuff with her she just acknowledge it, not say anything about it and continues to talk about herself

 

^^^ that is mental health ( I am mentally ill before anyone gets the soap box out ) this is what we are ^^^ me me me me me me me ...lost in a world of me and more me .... and this is life for her , but it isn't your life darling and nor should it be .

 

She needs to get a grip of her own problems , her triggers , her behavior and her own mind before bringing a boyfriend into her life .

[IAmFCA]

yes, her lack of interest in your life's details is because of depression. she needs professional help. Same as if her leg were broken, she needs care and it will be hard for her to be available till then.

 

Slow down with her.

[pippy longstocking]

I just read back and saw you are in different countries , so it really is a big distance ..... Don't dedicate your wonderful teenage years to a fantasy online Jay ...in your back threads you show concern back then about her being all her her and no interest in you ....

 

What she is doing is dumping ... she needs a release and you are there ..so she dumps all her emotional baggage on you , just a 17 yr old lad , she gets attention from the things she does ...from you , she gets the validation she needs ...from you ..and then her interest has gone because she has got rid of it all , until the next time , and the next and the next ......that will be your life .

[DanZee]

I took a look through various forums and apparently there's not much you can do about depression other than what you're doing now. Treatment boils down to drugs and talk therapy which a lot of people have said only helps a little. Some people have commented that they've been able to power through it, deciding to live rather than just curl up in a ball and suffer. But it seems the majority struggle with it for long periods of time. As other folks have commented, this is how it is with a depressed person. It's basically listening to the depressed person's feelings and fears. It's spending all your time comforting her. And being in an online romance (not a long-distance romance) means you're anonymous. You're just a voice in the night, text on a screen. You can't provide personal comfort to take her out to provide some distraction for her illness or hold her while she's crying. If you want to continue this relationship, keep in mind that it will be all about her. It's not that she isn't interested in you, it's just that the pain is so great, all she can do is talk about it. So you have to adjust your thinking and adjust your conversation to be about her and not you.

[jay228]

Man...this really sounds awful. Definitely not ready to hear that but I am glad you told me now. I actually thought of that too. What if she's just using me because I am treating her good? I am actually quite an insecure guy and I believe communication is the key...so I asked her why did she loved me? She said she found me perfect, my character, me always being there for her and all that. I don't know...even when she's drunk she would text me those lovey dove messages saying how much she loves me and how much I mean to her. Since the last thread things did improved a little. She did get bit more interested in me. She started asking bit more questions. I cant let her go now...I kinda fall in love with her and if I did let her go...I am pretty sure she would get so depressed and kill herself. That's too much...I don't think I can do that. Thank you pippy and IAmFCA...I really appreciate your help especially pippy for making an effort to look back at my older thread. I really don't know what to do now...other than just being there for her to get better and see how then. Either I still love her and I would talk to her about how I felt...or I will let her go then...when she's more emotionally stable. Do you agree? Or is there more that I can do ?

[jay228]

Hey Dan, thank you for your advice. You are right...I just wish I could do more for her. It really sucks to see her break down and cry. It's something I got to sacrifice for her I suppose. She did mention a few times that she would do anything for me. I thought she was just saying it...but idk I think she's the kind of person who would...maybe I will talk to her once she get a little better and more emotionally stable. After the talk she thought she was disappointing me...Tbh I was a little but of course i said she didn't. She said she would do her best for the relationship and for us. Do you think getting to the source of her depression and facing it will help ? Should I try to find out and convince her that it isn't something worth being depressed about and stuff ?...will that help?

[willdation]

Here's the best advice.....Just go find the best therapist possible and ask what you can do to support her.....It is their job and I'm sure deal with this all the time....give it a try

[IAmFCA]

As an insecure guy, one of the skills important for you to grow is the skill of letting go. Let this be what you learn from this experience: to learn how to attach more slowly, and to let go more easily.

 

You are valuable. Look how ready and capable you are to give your attention, support, and comfort to someone else. That is valuable. It is a part of how you invest. There is romance in investing slowly.

 

Its your currency, your ability to "be there". Invest it where it will get a strong return. In this situation, the risk to your investment is high and the returns are low. That's a bad deal.

 

You are an investment manager. Manage your investment in someone else to maximize your own life. That is your respinsibility alone and nobody else can do that for you. And when you attach slowly, it is very compelling, sexy, romantic. Why? Because getting you to attach is hard to come by, because you attach so carefully. It is a real compliment to your mate, then.

[Jillstrand23]

What you have done is made your intentions clear right? If she is having difficulty understanding you're obvious attention you are giving her then her loss. You sound like a great guy and maybe she should be putting more effort into this new relationship. Apologies English is not my first language! x

[jay228]

I like to thank everyone for all your advice and suggestions. It really helped me. I appreciate it. I will take a lot of your advice into consideration and think this over. Thank You all once again. God Bless