NIC, returning items, seeing him

[Chelsea54]

ENA folks. Advice please? Recent X bf. I've been leaving posts about him. Together for just over a year--He broke up with me about two months ago under reasoning of too heavy of a schedule with work, school, and some other personal issues, but with no clear idea of getting back together after some of these things pass in a couple months (more). He won't site any reasons about me that caused our break up--lol. I'm aware that I'm highly imperfect& flawed. In addition, we had been facing his loss of libido. He had that verified w a Dr but felt the obvious blue pill and T were too risky based on family health history. And we didn't get to the place of clearly addressing it. Also, what was stressful was that between his & my schedules and the distance between our houses meant much of our relationship depended on phones to which he would not upgrade his crap phone or service (made me angry) and we saw each other about once a week on average--Twice if we could--or not at all if sick, etc.

So. We have seen each other once at three weeks after break up. Not intimate--a fun night out with hugs & kisses and talking. We are on super low contact with calls and texting. He initiates sometimes, but I do more so. If I call, he picks up or calls back right away. This immediate call back or pick up is very different than when we were together. I guess it was taken for granted in the past and therefore not a special thing to get a call from me cause we both would call/text every day. So, now, almost every text and phone call ends with him calling me a pet name and telling me he loves me very much in a sweet way,sometimes with I miss you--that is like when we were first dating. I love him, so I say it back. It's very sweet.

 

During this time he has made a point with a few texts and conversations to repeat things he has said to me while together---that I am the best, warmest, beautiful (etc etctera) person he has ever known. That I am just a big heart full of love. That I have given him hope in life and in humanity. When I hear this I'm stunned because it's in contrast to being broken up.

But, he makes no suggestion that if we could arrange it, to meet up at all, even if somewhere in the mix I have suggested it.

Once or more I've asked him if he broke up cause he wants to date others--that aggravated him--so I got a stern NO! Next I asked if him breaking up means he wants me to date other men--he says ---"! I never said that! No, I don't want you to be with other men." But other times he has said that I deserve to have someone who can give me all of the attention that I crave and deserve--that he cannot give to me (for a who knows how long amount of time.). Other times he has said that his reasoning for break up is that he feels under the gun and possibly failing in so many aspects of his life that he doesn't want to fail at me too.

 

I miss him. I still feel sad at times, but less and less. I wonder what that time with him was for-and after all we went through together why it's like this now--but mostly numb and getting used to it that we are broken up. I contemplate seriously doing a NIC 2 week time period, but I think that is sort of what he's doing with me. So then if I do it, we might have NO communication and that scares me for some reason.

I'm not sure if I want to get back together. Meaning, I don't want to get back to aimlessly dating. I'm upping the ante (if we are in person together and have a convo about getting back). My new deal is --since I've mostly gone through this process of break up, and we already know each other, that I only can get back together if he knows that marriage is possible. I only mean possible. I absolutely cannot say that I want to get married to him at this time. But if we try this again, then only if it's possible. For example, when I started dating him, I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to get married again, now I'm sure that if I find the right man, yes I do. But I'm not trying to "fill a position" if no one who's right shows up in my life. Dating can be fun too. Being alone has its benefits for limited time periods but basically sucks IMO.

So if marriage is never happening for him, or if I'm not the one for him, then I just want to know that and we can make the past bygones and be platonic friends. I think that will be a shame, but it will be what it will be.

 

So now that the majority of my grieving is over here are my questions:

1. Would 2 weeks NIC be productive in terms of getting him to want to see me?

2. I have a shirt of his that was $ but is out of season now. He doesn't need it now, but I don't want to walk past it week after week. Ok to mail it to him? Im afraid of not controlling myself and including a drawn out letter about my/our feelings and relationship. He has things of mine, but I've controlled myself to not even ask about them. One item is a tv and the others are personal items.

3. I think that it would be a final deal breaker to him if I date anyone else and he knows. He would just know because he's kind of omnipotent about reading my emotions. --But he's the one who let go of me--with me saying its a bad idea, I don't want this, etc. Should I risk dating it if it becomes an opportunity for me? By the way--if I'm to find out he's dating anyone right now--it's a deal breaker (to getting back) for me.

And,yes. I realize that I'm asking all of this as if getting back together has been made an option for me and it's not, and he's holding most of the cards. Most of my thinking here is theoretical. I know.

 

I guess, my ego wants the option.

What I would do with that potential option will be based on unknown factors.

 

Thank you for reading this long, long post. Your opinions please?

[ChellyV]

It seems both of you still want each other, why not take the leap of faith again? And this time, be the leader in setting the pace. Don't force the "future" too much yet, its a very precarious time right now. Why not set the direction to getting back together than totally breaking up?