New Relationship Anxiety - Help! (LONG)

[jkdkthrowaway]

Hello please bare with me as this may be a long post. I am 23 year old male that has recently got into a new relationship and I have been having anxiety that I have never experienced before.

 

To begin, I previously dated a girl for 2-3 years in which it left some scars because we had a messy breakup where we argued, fought everyday, broke up multiple times, I ended up pursuing other girls (none of which amounted to anything) and she stayed attached, and it hurt her. She was a beautiful, kind girl but it just didn't work out. This was from age 19-22. After this relationship, I guess I've always been scared of hurting my future girl, because I saw what the break-up did to my ex and I feel incredibly bad.

 

After the break-up, I had met a few girls or was planning on being introduced to these girls. From these girls that I had met or heard of, they were all pretty and I had immediate attraction just from seeing them, as they were all my physical type. Hanging out with a few of them, I didn't really vibe with them, and I don't see how long-term we would be compatible but I always saw myself thinking about them (not all at once, but over the course of a year). I would say, I was really just enjoying my time being single, and I was not taking any girl I met seriously.

 

I met this new girl at an event, and I approached her the same. I treated her like, oh I met this new girl, let me see if I can hookup with her. Albiet, we were drunk, we danced but she wasn't into the whole hookup thing. I got her number, and I enjoyed talking to her, so we began hanging out. We just enjoyed each others time, we would cuddle, we would smoke but we never got really personally invested. I never had that same immediate obsession or attraction to her, although she was cute, she wasn't as pretty as the others and I was still speaking or hooking up with other girls.

 

Afterwards, at one point we really started vibing and I began thinking, this girl is actually really cool, I've never met someone with this type of personality that I just love, and maybe it could work. Overtime, we fell for each other because we just vibed SO WELL. I had never connected with someone like this where we felt like a team, like a true partner. She had everything I wanted from a personality, emotional stand-point and I was still sexually attracted to her.

Once things started getting serious, is when my anxiety came after I asked her out. I used to compare her to these other girls physically and think, I could have gotten with this amazingly beautiful girl, would I be happier with them? I hated how I compared physically, but I knew it was an ego/insecurity issue within my mind because I felt like I would end up with a super pretty girl. Now I hate saying this, because I do find my current girlfriend pretty, its just really my own insecurity about what I, and others around me may think. This led to alot of comparing, overthinking but I looked past it all because I just loved being with this girl so much. No one else had ever pushed me out of my comfort zone (I am a very quiet, reserved guy), made me happy like her, and I just had so much fun and we really were able to open up to each other.

 

Now that I've asked her out, I am overthinking every single day and being anxious. Thoughts cross my head like, what if I end up hurting her because I always see other pretty girls and am reminded of my old thoughts of how I may be happier with them (even though I know its a grass is greener situation and I won't be), or do I really like her because I compare her by thinking about these others?

 

I hate these thoughts, and I want to stop over-thinking and feeling this anxiety because I know if I get past this, we can be SO good together. She is sweet, cute, unselfish, so loving, caring. She supports me, and calls me out on my bull, she stands by me, and she pushes me to be a better person, and I am trying to be for her, because I know shes worth it. Family and friend's wise, she is a perfect fit too. I hate worrying that I am going to hurt her in the future, but I know regardless, I'd hurt her now just as much cause I know how much she cares for me. I don't want to lose this girl, I just want this anxiety to stop.

Speaking with my family, they told me, that I am rushing things and expecting too much too fast and worrying too much about the unknown. I am over-thinking way too much for no reason in their opinion.We only just started dating and I should give it time. That I should give it time, and also give myself time to improve other aspects of my life, because I had spent the year after my break-up, just distracting myself and not improving as a person. I am unsatisfied with other parts of my life, and it may contribute to this as well, and my own personal development. That it would also help me more appreciate her other qualities, and stop focusing on the looks so much and being shallow.

 

I'd just like anyone's opinion on this and what they think. I know it seems selfish to want this girl and not lose her, but I really don't want too lose her. It's not like im not attracted to her, I am, its just shes not my normal physical type and I am scared that I wasn't immediately in AWE of her and I understand I have an ego. I think about what others may think. I know we can have a good future together if I can just figure out my own personal issues. I really, really like this girl, I just am so scared cause I have never experienced anxiety like this before, and its making me overthink so much. I keep thinking about so many "what-if" scenarios, ranging from "what-if" I had met this other girl that has the same qualities and was hot as hell, or "what-if" I hurt her? It's so dumb, because I know I'm thinking about the unknown. How do I stop worrying and overthinking?

 

I've been thinking about counseling, because my girlfriend knows I've been overthinking (although not about what), and maybe I should go through with it? I've always been an overthinker.

 

tl;dr New relationship, new anxiety because of past thoughts, comparing new girl physically to people I was speaking with before, but don't want to lose her because I have never met anyone that I could be better with. Need to resolve personal issues

[DanZee]

Well, you are over-thinking this whole process and you should relax more because this will probably not be the last relationship in your life. If you screw it up, there will be other opportunities. And in any relationship you need to keep in mind that the most important thing is whether you like and can get along with your partner. Sex might take up a few hours, but you've got to be able to live with the other person and be able to talk to them for the rest of the 168 hours of the week.

 

Your girlfriend can help you through all this. You should be honest with her and tell her that she makes you feel different that any other girl, and that you're all nervous around her. She will take this as the highest compliment and she will tell you what you need to do. You don't need counseling, you just need to talk honestly to his girl about how you feel. And try to relax. It sounds like you're already on the right path with her. Trust her with her knowing what's going on inside you and you will be fine.

[jkdkthrowaway]

Well, you are over-thinking this whole process and you should relax more because this will probably not be the last relationship in your life. If you screw it up, there will be other opportunities. And in any relationship you need to keep in mind that the most important thing is whether you like and can get along with your partner. Sex might take up a few hours, but you've got to be able to live with the other person and be able to talk to them for the rest of the 168 hours of the week.

 

Your girlfriend can help you through all this. You should be honest with her and tell her that she makes you feel different that any other girl, and that you're all nervous around her. She will take this as the highest compliment and she will tell you what you need to do. You don't need counseling, you just need to talk honestly to his girl about how you feel. And try to relax. It sounds like you're already on the right path with her. Trust her with her knowing what's going on inside you and you will be fine.

 

Thanks for the reply! I have been honest with her about everything, minus the parts where I have been comparing her physically to others (I have told her honestly that she wasn't my type though). I just want to trust myself, and stop thinking these thoughts so that I can move on and work on this relationship. I just really worry too much, about what may happen, if she gets hurt, etc, even though she herself said its a risk she's willing to take.

 

I honestly just doubted my attraction to her because of these thoughts that popped up. I always thought she wasn't my physical type, but regardless I was attracted to her sexually, and she is pretty and her personality helps a ton. I just don't know if I really pushed to make it work with her and convinced myself cause I just saw us being so compatible in every other way.