Need advice - should I pursue her or is it over?

[TurntSloth]

Hi all, I really need some advice about this girl here and I'd love every piece I can get - I'll try to keep this is short as possible but I have a lot of feelings and things to explain!

 

*****

 

So in June a new girl starts at work and we hit it off instantly. From day one we're flirting, and things move pretty quickly after that: we're texting by the end of her first week, I went to meet her and her friends at a festival a week later and we ended up having our first kiss and staying long after everyone else, then a week after that we go on our first official date and end up sleeping together. As I say, things moved pretty quickly and from that point onwards it was established that we were seeing eachother.

 

The thing is, at that time I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a relationship, so I didn't commit to anything. I was happy to keep seeing her on a casual basis, and she said that she was ok with how things were going too, so that's how they stayed. During this time we saw a fair bit of eachother and my feelings really developed to the point where I was serious about being official with her. The problem is that at about the time I was ready to commit (I was literally planning the conversation for a night we had coming up together), she had decided enough was enough and she didn't want to see me anymore. She gave a BS reason about having just got out of a long relationship that ended badly and not being ready for another one, which I accepted at the time and respected her decision to just be friends moving forwards.

 

After that, I was shocked at how fast her mannerisms towards me changed. The Whatsapp conversations stopped, she started avoided me in the office and when we were together there was no hint of flirting or attraction at all. Don't get me wrong, I know we'd called it quits and I didn't expect things to just stay the same, but at this point I was desperately trying to get over her and couldn't get her out of my head, whilst it looked like she'd just snapped her fingers and instantly stopped caring about me altogether. We were very affectionate with each other all the time before this, holding hands down the street, stealing kisses when no-one was looking at work, messaging all the time etc... so it really hit hard when everything stopped very suddenly.

 

After a bit of digging and a conversation or two about our relationship, it finally transpired that she broke up with me because she didn't feel like I cared enough about her and she wanted to be whisked away by someone who did. Fair enough, I held my hands up as I can totally see where she's coming from and that's my fault for dragging my heels with her in the first place. I didn't beg for her back at this point, but I did apologise for being such a bad partner in the first place and making her feel unwanted. At this point she said she feels like we're at different points in our 'relationship development' as I wasn't getting her signals that she wanted more, but she said she still really likes me and under different circumstances she'd love to be with me, but taking everything into consideration she really just wants to be friends. She also hinted that there's still an attraction and who knows what will happen if we're drunk together e.g. work Christmas party...

 

Now, at the time we broke up, we'd literally both just got back from seperate holidays (coincidentally booked for the same week before we knew each other), and after some digging I found out that she'd met a guy on the last night of her holiday (whilst we were still seeing each other and claiming to be exclusive, but whatever...), spent a wild night in the city together (supposedly they didn't sleep together and I do believe her), swapped phone numbers and had been sending flirty texts ever since. Now her sudden lack of attraction made sense: she was getting it from somewhere else. Important note: this guy doesn't live in the same country as us. She claims that after breaking from her ex, she was single for a few months until meeting me, and my lack of committment knocked her back and really broke her confidence. She had no such problem with this other guy who was very into her from the start and made her feel wanted.

 

The situation now is that this guy has booked a flight to London (our location) for the week, she has booked a week off work and they are spending it in an airbnb together. Her birthday falls during this week too so its a pretty significant date for her. This is literally happening right now - as I type he is literally flying here and they will be meeting tomorrow in person for the first time since their wild night.

 

Up until the point that I discovered this would be happening (last week), I'd been doing my best to be nice to her at all times. We'd been chatting at work fairly regularly, occasionally she had a bad day and I bought her favourite snacks to put a smile on her face when I was getting my lunch etc... Since I found out about the guy, I told myself that there was no point and to start NC as best as I could. For the last week I've been avoiding her at work and any time we have been forced to talk, I've responded to all non-work related questions with one-word answers to kill the conversation.

 

This week she commented a few times on how I'm always grumpy with her these days and I don't talk to her anymore despite us saying we'd be friends etc... and she seemed genuinely sad about the situation. Then things got really confusing for me. A couple of days ago she started being affectionate towards me again: staying in the kitchen at work to try and make conversation whilst I prepared food, flirting with little pokes and grabs whenever we happened to be near eachother, and on a couple of occasions she came up and hugged me "just to be nice". She also suggested that we go out for pizza one day next week as it's her birthday (note: we used to eat pizza together for like EVERY meal when we dated) and directly referenced our first date. I didn't comment on the pizza thing initially, but then a day later I did say I've thought of somewhere we could go, and she said she'd message me when she'd worked out a day/time next week.

 

So in a nutshell:

 

• Girl "breaks up" with me
  
• Girl basically starts seeing another guy
  
• I basically break contact with girl
  
• Girl becomes flirty again and suggests meal together
  

 

I know all of this has only taken place over a few months and a lot of you will say just get over it, but it's been so intense and we clicked so well that I've genuinely developed strong feelings for her. So my question is, do I continue to pursue this and try to get things back on track with her, or is it a lost cause?

 

Despite her holiday romance currently taking place, the guy doesn't live here and I can't honestly see it being more than a fling that will fizzle out due to her need for a bit of male attention as mentioned above. What are the thoughts on this?

 

Assuming we do meet for food in the week, I think it's also a great chance to try and light the spark between us again and see what happens - if it happened before, and she supposedly still likes me, why not again? I'm not saying I'm going to turn up with roses or anything, but if we can just have a really good laugh on the night and enjoy each others company again, surely that's a positive thing?

 

At the same time, is it all just talk from her? Should I just walk away and forget it? Compared to a couple of weeks ago, the lack of talking between us this week has helped me to get over her so much already - I do still feel sad and a bit jealous when I hear her talking about dating and other guys, but I'm not as depressed as I used to be and I can finally sleep without waking up in the middle of the night which is a plus. Saying that, If there's even a small chance left to get back together, I don't want to turn my back on it because I really would love to be with her. At the same time I don't want to look desperate or push her away more because she has me wrapped around her little finger. I already don't like the idea that the ball is totally in her court for dinner, and I've already decided that if there's not significant notice of a couple of days, I'll make up an excuse as I don't want her to think that she can snap her fingers and I'll come running. But is that the right attitude to have?

 

I don't think we'd have a problem if we did give it another go as the only problem in the first place was that I wasn't committed enough, which I obviously would be now. Our "break up" was never particularly bad and we never fell out or argued about anything during the process either.

 

I just can't work out if I should really push for this dinner together and try to light the spark again, or if I should tell her to forget it and continue NC as best as possible until I really don't care anymore?

 

 

If anyone has read this far, any advice, please?

[DanZee]

You know, you screwed up by trying to play it cool and by not committing, and then you blame her for breaking up with you, and now you're trying to win her back because you're jealous. It's you who have to get his act together. If it's any consolation, the Internet romance won't last but you may have blown your chance with this girl.

[TurntSloth]

I totally know I screwed up by not committing initially, I truly regret this decision and have been living with it for well over a month now.

 

I genuinely was ready to commit at the time she decided she wasn't interested in seeing me anymore - at this point she had another option on the table so went with that instead. We'd only been seeing each other for a couple of months at that point, and to be honest I'm not sure that's so unreasonable on my part?

 

Either way, I don't blame her for breaking up with me at all, I fully understand her reasons behind it, but I'm devastated that it's happened and that I haven't had the chance to prove my dedication to her as she moved on so quickly.

 

I'm not trying to win her back out of jealousy - I never wanted to lose her in the first place and I was trying to win her back way before I knew there was anther guy in the picture (not that you were to know as I didn't post this above).

 

I gave her as much space as possible for about a week after we broke up then sent a message asking her out over the weekend because I wanted to go back to the way we were. She turned me down.

 

I didn't let that deter me too much and carried on being very nice at work throughout the day, I also bought her lots of little gifts during the week after to show I cared, and asked her out again on a more casual basis a week later (she'd been quite ill and bed-bound for a few days so I suggested we could do something fun if she felt like getting out of the house on the Sunday- no expectations, just knew she was bored and had nothing to do.)

She turned me down again.

 

A few days later she sent me a message saying she was really grateful for everything and appreciated me making her feel special and being so nice, but she still wanted to be friends.

 

That's around the time it transpired that she was seeing someone else and I gave up talking to her altogether. I didn't know before then and she knows that.

 

Looking back now that it's written down, that's all very cliche and probably wasn't the best way to go about things from my side, but I'm definitely not just trying to get her back out of jealousy. I really really like this girl.

 

 

Agreed I've got to get my act together and I totally intend to - I definitely won't have a problem with committing to her now, that's for sure. Really I'm just wondering if it's too late based on everything that going on with her right now

[SweetGirl28]

As a female, I hate to say this, but it seems she wants your attention so that she has the upper hand

in the situation. It appears as if she wants you to chase her, and is poking you to do so.

 

I think you are blaming yourself too much.

She has a guy flying in that she's going to spend time with.

Give her the cold shoulder. You don't want to be the guy on the sidelines.

[TurntSloth]

It's true, I don't want to be on the sidelines, but supposing this guy she spending time with doesn't work out as he lives so far away, there could be a chance that I could be at the front of her affections again, right? Thinking about things, it looks like she liked me, got no commitment but stayed with me until a better offer came along i.e. someone who committed to her, or something happened between us. I can't really blame her for this as it is my fault things got that far and I never should've dragged my heels, but if that doesn't work out then surely I'll have a chance to make things right and try again? She told me that just before we went on our holidays (the last time we were really 'a couple') she wanted to ask me about us and have the talk about what we were, but she couldn't find the words. Based on that, I can't blame her for wanting my attention and wanting me to chase her, although it is pretty cruel given that she's seeing someone else and supposedly only wants to be friends.

 

As cruel as it is, the fact that she's still trying to hang onto my attention must mean that at some point she wants the option of us to be on the table again, right? Or is this literally something people will do just for kicks? It's not like she needs me to stay friends to fill the void until her next man as he's already in the picture - albiet maybe not for long?

 

God I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying so hard to just ignore everything that's going on at the moment and just let her go, and I know I shouldn't devalue myself, but she's on my mind all the time and I just want us to be back together again. I've woken up in the middle of the night every day for the last week upset because of her and it's driving me crazy. We haven't been seeing eachother for over a month now and I'm still crazy about her. I've been going out with friends and keeping myself busy every weekend/some evenings but nothing compares or takes my mind off her for long.

 

Yesterday was her birthday and I made the mistake of looking at her Instagram story (she never used this feature when we were together either) and saw a picture of two plates of food with the guy's hand in the background. That really knocked me for six and I spent the whole evening depressed all over again. I knew that she'd be with him this week but seeing it just made it all too real

 

I didn't wish her happy birthday either as I didn't want to break NC, but I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do in the long run... does it look bitter/petty on my part?

How do I react when she's in the office again later this week? I don't know whether to just ignore her, kill any potential conversations and keep to NC as much as possible or to put a brave face on it and come across happy like I don't have a care in the world?

 

I just don't know anymore!

[Morello]

Don't play the blame game she is throwing at you. I found nothing wrong with your approach. You are totally allowed to take it easy and not look for commitment in two months. The way you explained your story, if you showed commitment maybe she would ask for space, maybe saying she's not ready for it. She's just making excuses.

 

I think she just didn't want a relationship with you, for whatever reasons she has. Maybe you're both incompatible. Maybe she did like more the adventure with the new guy. Maybe she will regret later, maybe not. It doesn't matter. You think it matters now because you're looking for reasons why it happened. In the future you'll realise that the reason is not important. What matters is that she decided not to be with you now.

 

But don't think this is on you. This is on her. She is just taking the easy way out by blaming you for the end of the relationship so she feels better. Same happened to me. Ex created reasons out of her head to make me feel guilty for the break up, when it was all her idea. We have our flaws, obviously. I know I made mistakes. But with time you see that those mistakes were not really the reason for the break up. When you distance yourself from this a bit (in a few weeks) you'll see your behaviour is completely acceptable and she was just trying to pick something so she could feel better with herself for breaking up with a guy that was nice to her. Takes two to make a relationship. You were there, committed to it, trying. She was not.

 

If those two months were a dealbreaker for her (when she didn't even communicate that with you before breaking up), this is a girl you don't wanna be with, trust me. There would be other "deal breakers" in the future. Suddenly everything can be a potential deal breakder and you're walking over eggshells.

 

Rejection is tough, dude. This is why you're even thinking you want her back when she chose another guy over you. It's tough, but it's the truth. Rejection makes us feel mentally and physically ill. We try to do whatever it takes to make it go away. Don't let this deceive you and want her back. You don't really want her back, you're just reacting to rejection and putting her on a pedestal.

 

Soon you'll see clearer. Listen to "Rearview Mirror" from Pearl Jam if you like that sorta stuff. It will make you feel better, trust me.

[TurntSloth]

Thanks Morello, really appreciate the post.

 

Yeah, despite her words, the last few days have made it pretty clear that she doesn't have an interest in me. I wish she'd just said that from the start rather than stringing me along with "i still really like you" and "who knows what will happen in the future" and fake reasons for breaking up that seem fixable...

 

It's tough to take but I don't feel like I can feel any worse than I do this week which in a weird way is kind of a plus I guess :S