Haunted by the way I treated him...

[dviewed]

I still can't believe this has happened. I met him in August '94 and took him for granted for the next 8 years. We had issues...he had a 'bad boy' background and I kept telling myself he wasn't the one for me for the long term. We tried to break it off so many times over the years, but neither of us turned to someone new and we always got back together. Just before last Christmas I began to realize I truly loved him and yet, I couldn't tell him. We were fighting, mostly out of habit, and I kept thinking I should wait to tell him my true feelings when we were getting along better. Then we had a big fight on Valentines & for the next 2 weeks I missed him so much I knew I had to figure something out. During that time we had a snow day & I happened to catch Dr. Phil who was doing a show on 'fighting fair'. It included ways to break the habit of fighting or bickering, which can be addictive, it turns out! Watching that show made me see how I'd been screwing up the relationship.

Armed with that knowledge I knew I could tell him, 'I love you & things will be good for us from now on..."

I went over the next night to bare my soul. He was gone when I got there & didn't return until 1:30 in the morning. I still told him everything & asked if it was too little, too late. He admitted he'd turned to someone new during the past 2 weeks & while they were just friends, he wouldn't break it off and come back to me. He said he needed time to sort things out and found it hard to believe I really cared since I'd taken him so for granted for all those years.

Because I knew my behavior had gotten us to this point I agreed to see him while he kept seeing her. I wanted to show him I really have had an attitude adjustment.

Since that time we have had some great times together...no more fighting. Little things just don't seem to matter when you are with the person you love. We also had a renewed physical attraction...things were as great as when we first met. Still, she was always on the sidelines...he would see her a couple of times a week, but I couldn't believe she could compete with what we had. Recently, tho, he's been pulling away & spending more time with her. Things seemed to change over Memorial Day weekend. 2 nights ago he called, but didn't want to come over, so I asked him to level with me. He admitted his feelings for her have grown & for now he wants to date her. I told him as much as it hurts, I can only accept his decision and wish him well. I asked him to think carefully before he closes the door completely on us & he said he would, but I know she'll push him quickly toward marriage. (She's twice divorced & her first husband killed himself when she wouldn't take him back! Any wonder I'm worried about the decisions my guy is making?)

I'm broken hearted to lose him & to add to it I have to live with the fact that I took him for granted for so long. I've spent these 3 months showing him and telling him how much I care, but it's like he couldn't trust that I meant it or he couldn't get past his anger at my past behavior.

For whatever reason he has succumbed to this woman so quickly and it's like our 8+ years together never happened.

I almost wish I'd never had my awakening about my feelings for him because I wouldn't be so broken hearted now. But I know I'm a better person for it and I will not make the same mistakes in my next relationship...as hard as it is to imagine being with someone else. After all those years it's almost like a divorce instead of a simple breakup. We weathered job changes, building new houses, car wrecks, his broken arm, and so much more. I'm trying to accept that things work out for the best, but it's so hard to picture a future without him. He's been such an important part of my life for so long.

[oneboardus]

If he wants to date her or be with her then that is his choice, but let him know that you are there for him if he needs you. Call him up once in a while to see how he is and make the conversations fun. Good friends are hard to find and even though you aren't together you can still be friends. It may be hard for you to hear about his new girl but don't show it. Let him confide in you and trust you again. Don't call him all the time just once a month to see how he is doing. Take things slow, and be patient with him. If you feelings fade over this time that you give eachother then it will help you heal. If they are still strong at least you have him as a friend, don't give up!

Hope I helped a little...

[dviewed]

If he wants to date her or be with her then that is his choice, but let him know that you are there for him if he needs you. Call him up once in a while to see how he is and make the conversations fun. Good friends are hard to find and even though you aren't together you can still be friends. It may be hard for you to hear about his new girl but don't show it. Let him confide in you and trust you again. Don't call him all the time just once a month to see how he is doing. Take things slow, and be patient with him. If you feelings fade over this time that you give eachother then it will help you heal. If they are still strong at least you have him as a friend, don't give up!

Hope I helped a little...

 

Thanks...you did help. It sounds like a game plan I can live with. Part of me was thinking I would have to cut things off altogether, but I do like him as well as love him, so this at least allows me to salvage the friendship while I attempt to move on with my life. Thanks again.

[Gilgamesh]

Onboardus gave good advice,

 

You need to not pressure him or contact him alot, do look forward to the future though, dont wait or expect things to workout with your ex.

 

There is no such thing as a simple breakup, you were together for 8 years thats major, your hurting and have regrets, but you need to give yourself time to heal, and move forward, learn from your experiences to never take love for granted.

 

And like you said, you should really consider finding a new love someday (when your ready) start new, where you can do things right this time.

 

good luck

[dviewed]

Onboardus gave good advice,

 

You need to not pressure him or contact him alot, do look forward to the future though, dont wait or expect things to workout with your ex.

 

There is no such thing as a simple breakup, you were together for 8 years thats major, your hurting and have regrets, but you need to give yourself time to heal, and move forward, learn from your experiences to never take love for granted.

 

And like you said, you should really consider finding a new love someday (when your ready) start new, where you can do things right this time.

 

good luck

 

Thanks...needed to hear it.