I messed up bad ! any advice ?

[Willson12]

Hello. First of my english is not good, but i will try my best.

I ussually dont do this but now I really struggle for help.

I am 20 and I have dated my ex girlfriend for 2.5 years. We known each othet for more than 4 years because we went to same highschool.

This may sound very pathetic but I was allways bad person, I had so much negativity, I was closed person, I was insecure and I allways pretend to be tough. I allways kept my emotions away and I was ashamed of love.

First time I met her my mind was blown away, she was girl of my dreams, so beautiful, full of life, kind, positive and really all that I was hidding from myself.

Again I acted tough when we first met but she was so kind to me and I wont forget her eyes at that moment. They were full of love. Really this may sound really lame hahah but I feel like I nead to open myself and speak trully. After couple of years we started seeing eachother. Finally after a long time of my insecurity and "toughness" we became a couple. We had ups and down (mostly because of me) and we broke up because stupid reasons. I will keep this story short but she forgived me and we started to date again. Everything was great but again my ego and my "pride" ruined all beautiful feeling we had. we broke up again and now I feel nothing but pain and regreat. I had emotional breakdown, I was thinking about suicide, not just because of a breakup but because I struglled with myself, with my ego and my bad side which was allways keeping me away from happiness. I begged her for forgive me I called her and texted her many times (Iknow it is bad but really I feel like my heart will explode). The thing that really destroied my soul was porn. I was addicted to porn and because of that I didnt do anything in relationship.

I really struggle with myself, I decided to do "nofap" and it is going well. I know no one will belive me this but i have changed, finally I let peace, happiness and love to enter my heart but there is still that pain of knowing that I made that happy eyes of her cry and I hurt her.

I want her to know me, I want to give her my honest love because she gave me hope in life and so many positivity.

I know I deserve to live with pain but I am scared that I will lost her that I will lost this fealing of love and beauty.

This is my first time I do this, this is my first time I opened myself and I think that the only way for me to start a new life is by being honest, open and not ashamed of love.

If someone has any advice, any simmilar situations I would be thankfull for your addvices and stories.

Again, sorry for my bad english

Thank you!

[TD1993]

Hey man, it's good that you are making improvements but it sounds like you still have a lot more work to do. Take this time to work out your demons and learn how to be genuinely happy with yourself.

 

When this time comes, invite her out to coffee to catch up. Don't bring up the relationship just focus on having a good time so she can see that you have changed.

[Willson12]

Hey man, it's good that you are making improvements but it sounds like you still have a lot more work to do. Take this time to work out your demons and learn how to be genuinely happy with yourself.

 

When this time comes, invite her out to coffee to catch up. Don't bring up the relationship just focus on having a good time so she can see that you have changed.

 

Wow, I didnt think someone will comment and give ME a support !

Yes I am really fighting every single day with myself, I am trying not to fall back to my "dark side" and negativity. I know a lot of people dont believe me and I dont mind that because I know that I did the worst thing ever and that is refusing love.

 

I really really thank you, really appreciate your advice.

[mjae]

What I can tell you is that "change" doesn't occur over night. When you've truly "changed" then you will be ridding yourself from the pain, hurt, and emotional roller coaster that's being experienced right now. Becoming comfortable with yourself by being alone, spending valuable time with yourself, building your life up by accomplishing goals and having a purpose, and being happy again will prove that you have "changed." Don't ever tell your ex that you've changed. Communicate the change through action. Only your ex will recognize the change through action if she is open to seeing the change within you. If she is not open to seeing change, then she will never see you any differently than the person she left in the first place. Only your ex can get to that place by working through her issues and the past relationship.

 

As the life you live starts to experience growth (spiritually, physically, mentally) you will recognize the aspects, characteristics, and attributes about yourself that need to be in focus. Pride is nothing more than a word for FEAR. When you drop your pride then you will be relieved of fear. You cannot change fully until there is no more pride in the way, which means you no longer have any fears about you, your ex, or your past relationship, which means you will let go of expectations and know that you simply cannot control the outcome of what your attempting to accomplish. Be genuine about the steps your taking to change. And do not change for your ex. It needs to come from within yourself FOR yourself.

 

Also, you need to understand that this will be a process. A lengthy process. Be prepared to have good days and bad. This is normal. The more you try to get her back the more she will most likely resist, which in turn will hurt you and set you back to square one. If she does reach out to you, then be kind but short. Don't engage in lengthy conversations. Continue to grow. Get your groove back. Become the person she loved in the beginning. Have purpose in your life. Love yourself. And above all remain positive.

 

This doesn't mean she will definitely come back. You need to accept that what once was is no longer. If you two do get back together, then both of you will most likely be different people.

 

-"There's a reason why the front windshield of a car is bigger than the rear-view mirror."

[Willson12]

Thank you for your comment and advice, I am very thankfull for that !

Everything you said is true, it hurts like hell but it is true. I was a guy full of hate, anger, agression... Whole my life I decided to spend in bad enviroment, I cant blame and I dont want to blame others for my situation and I dont seek for compassion from anyone.

You are right when you said that change doesnt happen over night, what I ment to say is that I started to think about my procedures in life and I started to fight with my demons. You were right too when you said that my pride is nothing than a fear. It is, I had a fear of not being accepted and not being feared by others, that is how my mind was, full of anger and hate. I was a bad person, I am still fighting not only with my porn adiction but I am fighting with my addiction of havin bad things on my mind.

This is so hard, really, this is my first time I have oppened to anyone and here I am, writing on forums.

I didnt believe that love can love can really hurt but this pain, this feeling of knowing that you rejected love and happines and hurt person who gave everything for you is just too big. Fu*k this is too hard but I promised that i will fight to change I will fight for her. I know this may sound funny but I dont want that same way of life, that feeling that you are rotting every single day, I want new life I want to show her how much I love her because she really saved me, she gave me hope in life and unfortunately I realize that now. Maybe it is too late but I wont give up I cant give up, not anymore.

Ufff its too hard, so many emotions and love all of that came like huge wave and I cant escape from that.

 

Its hard but that love for her keeps me continue fighting and pushes me on to keep fighting to be a better person and hopefully to gave her love.

 

again THANK YOU for you comment it really means a lot.

 

"fear can hold you prisoner, but hope and love can set you free" I hope

[Willson12]

Hi everyone !

 

I just want to express my feelings, I feel that this is a right thingto do. I feel that I need to share this with others who are maybe in same situation.

Last couple of days were expecially hard for me. I have emotional breakdown every single day but yesterday was very special.

I was a person who was religious, I went to church every sunday. Last couple of years I had rough dilemmas abaout myself and about God. I felt like God never gave me something good in life but I was wrong. He gave me something that many people like dont deserve. He gave me a chance to change my life but I rejected it. I want to say that I havent become some religious fanatic now, I do go to church when I feel week and I take a little pray.

 

As I said, yesterday was a very hard day. Yesterday I went to confess my sins and it was hard. Before I always wanted to have fast confession and take a pray and that is it but yesterday I felt like I need to open my heart and soul and tell what bothers me and I had to express my weaknesses.

Priest was kind but harsh. He gave me motivation and gave me hope but he gave me that look and hard handshake which really ment something, that look and handshake were unspoken words to me, words that told me to keep fighting, hoping and believing and to reject bad things who were always keepeng me away from good.

After that I called my mother and we went for a drink. I told her everything. I told her about my adiction and really everything. I wanted to open to her and I did and that was very very hard.

She gave my kind words too but she said words that were hard to take but they were honest, meaningfull and most of all full of love.

Yesterday was the first time that I had ever spoken to my mother in that way.

That night I was crying, I felt both pain and reliefe. I felt hope and love.

Again I cant say I have changed hundred percent but I am still fighting, I am still learning and I dont want to give up. I love her so much and I want to open myself to her, I want to express my feelings to her. I know its going to be the hardest thing ever and its going to be very hard road to cross but I will do everything that takes, I will fight.

 

I dont want to beat my chest and rise myself above, I want to stay humble. I am still in process of finding myself and controling myself but my message to others who have simmilar problems, is to keep fighting, keep believing in yourself and most important open your self to others, expecially ones who mean a lot to you. There is a lot of goodness in the world and to get it we need to open ourselves to it.

 

"When you love someone, you dont give up. Ever !"

 

Thank you.

[Willson12]

we had a conversation over the phone and she was pissed at me.

 

I dont know what to do.

I am on the edge but I dont want to be like before.

 

Please can someone give any advice !!

[mjae]

You are your own worst enemy! You cannot talk with her while you are so emotional. Look at the 5 stages of grief. There is an anger stage that is part of grieving. Until you are out of that stage, then I would suggest you not to speak with her. Give yourself enough time to heal, change, and become a better person. You're being unrealistic about your change. Trying to convince the brain that you've changed is very different than actually changing as a person. Also, she can see and observe that you haven't changed through communication. At this point the only thing to do is disappear and rediscover yourself. Setting expectations leads to disappointment. And I believe that's where you are right now. You want to talk with her with the expectation of getting back together. When she doesn't meet that expectation, then you get upset. It's very similar to a child not getting what they want so they throw themselves to the ground crying and begging. No woman wants to be a mother to a man. This is very unattractive to a woman and signifies that she made the right choice to leave you. You're doing more damage than good.

 

If you do nothing, then the worst outcome is that nothing will happen. However, the more you work against resistance the more damage you are causing. You need to seriously do self-evaluation, commit to change, go no contact with her, and if she reaches out to you months down the line then you WILL hopefully be a better, newer, version of yourself. Let go of the past and accept that what you once had didn't work and the relationship is now over. Until you break out of that denial stage, then you simply cannot move forward to better yourself.

 

Stop fighting the resistance. Get out of your own head. Stop setting expectations. Stop trying to convince yourself. Stop contacting her. Stop being angry. Accept that it's over. Move on. Change into a better person. AND then there may be a possibility that you both can reconcile.

[Willson12]

I was starting that no contact process but she texted me and I was so happy but then she blocked me. After she texted me again and said that she just wanted to be polite and say that she got my letter. I didnt wasnt sending her tousands of messages, I just send message "I hope you liked it" and that is it. But when I saw that she was blocking me I lost control. I know I ed up and I know that now she is pissed and I need to wait even longer now but I am scared that she wont find some other guy and forget about me. Maybe thats selfish but I am really fighting with myself and I want to show her how much I would do to be a better person.

The hardest thing is that she doesnt believe me, she doesnt believe the word I say. And thats so hard for me.

I am not gold but really I am fighting for that love. I started to talk to people about my problems I started to open myself and meet others. I really am fighting.

I cant sleep I am dreaming about her every night. I feel like I am braking and I almost broke yesterday I was so angry but I managed to relax and I didnt want to give up.

Maybe I am making some progres ? Slowly but I feel like I do but again I am scared.

Love is messed up thing and it can make you so weak and I can feel that now.