I need some advice. 24 years old and never had a girlfriend

[bsteinagel]

Hello All,

 

I joined this forum recently because I was hoping to get some help with some of the issues I've been facing. I'm 24 years old and have my own apartment. I've never had a girlfriend and it's awful lonely living alone. I'm not a very social person in that I don't go to clubs or parties. I don't enjoy being around alcohol as I have a father who's an active alcoholic and a mother who's in recovery. As a result, it's very hard for me to meet young women. I don't like being what everyone else calls "a loner". I have one very good friend of mine whom I spend some time with every weekend. I'm not a guy with six-pack abs and bulging muscels. I'm a husky guy who works out three to four times a week to tone up and keep the weight off. I'd say I have average looks.

 

There's this girl who lives in the apartment building next to mine. I've never seen her with another boy and I've never seen her drink or stay out late on weekends. I've crossed paths with her a couple times outside and we usually comment on how nice the weather is, but I've never had a conversation with her. I'm so afraid to approach her for fear of rejection. I really want to ask her out on a date but I don't know the proper way to approach her. I don't want to start talking to her when she's leaving or coming home from work because I'm afraid I'll look desperate. If she thinks I'm desperate for someone that might turn her off because it shows that I have a hard time meeting people. When's the right time to approach her and what should I say?

 

If she accepts an offer for a date then how do I show her that I'm genuinely interested in a relationship with her? When is it okay to start hugging, holding hands, kissing, etc? How do I know when a woman is ready for sex in a relationship? I don't want to come on to strong because the last thing I want her to think is that I'm using her for sex. Although intimacy is important in a relationship, I want her to know that I really care about her needs and feelings as a person and that I'm not just trying to get her to have sex with me.

 

Even though I have a good-paying job and will be buying a house soon, I still don't feel like my life has any purpose or direction. There's no one special in my life to come home to every evening. I would like that special someone to make my life worthwhile. I want to know that I'm an important part of someone else's life. Right now, I feel like things will never change. What can I do?

[annie24]

Well - since she's your neighbor, the next time you see her, why don't you say, "Hey - the weather's nice today - I was about to take a walk down to the park. Wanna join me?" Or, "Hey - the weather's so crappy today - I'm going to rent some movies - do you want to watch some with me?" You know, just make it sound casual. Get to know her. If she's receptive, then, you can post on here your intimacy questions. First things first - set up that date! Good luck!

[QTpie87]

well Yeah go for it. Just be yourself, don't try and act overly social or outgoing if you're not. but Only go for her if You really might be interested in her, not just cause she's close and doesn't have a bf. Make sure who ever you go for is someone you like, not just the first person to walk by.

good luck,

Qtpie87

[carmonie]

hi

 

Don't know if this helps much but my best friend was awfully shy and liked someone for a year before doing anything. They'd keep bumping into each other and not talking much. Eventually she was moving and he asked if she needed any help - she had been waiting for him to make a move the whole time. They went out a while.

 

If you don't want to come on too strong just try talking to her first for like a few minutes, find out her taste in music, her favorite food, her dream vacation. Most people love being asked that and it breaks the ice. My boyfriend did that with me because I was the painfully shy type. After a few short conversations he asked me what I was doing one friday night and after I told him nothing, he asked me to go to a movie.

 

Just start small.

[Caldus]

She's just a human being. Don't put her on the pedestal here. Just be casual about it. She's not going to sit there and analyze your every move. I think what annie said would be a good idea because it would take away some pressure right from the start.

[Mr. B]

The "I'm doing [whatver], wanna join me?" is great advice. And like the last poster said, she's a mere mortal too... she might want company as bad as you do.

[BYOB]

One thing I might let you reflect on because I have nothing else to add in addition to your previous advises which by the way I agree with is: Wherever you would feel confortable receiving that kind of invitation, go for it.

I'm not sure if I'm clear so I'll give you an example. You have been suggested to ask her to take a walk with you. Well ask yourself: If you would be to receive that kind of proposition, would you accept ?

Think that way with anybody. Yet it's only an advise. Think wisely if you should apply it or not ( and why, why not) I'm pretty sure you'll get the best out of my words.

[Caldus]

^ LOL nice username.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

"I joined this forum recently because I was hoping to get some help with some of the issues I've been facing. I'm 24 years old and have my own apartment."

--Its good that you are independent and responsible. Girls will notice that.

 

"I've never had a girlfriend and it's awful lonely living alone."

--I have never had a girlfriend before either. Never even been on a date or kissed a girl. It can be lonely. I understand.

 

"I'm not a very social person in that I don't go to clubs or parties."

--I am a social person but I don't go to parties or clubs. Don't worry. You are not missing out on anything except seeing someone will beer coming out their ears, and other barfing on you....

 

" I don't enjoy being around alcohol as I have a father who's an active alcoholic and a mother who's in recovery."

----I don't drink alchol either, and I doin't like it.

 

"As a result, it's very hard for me to meet young women."

---There are so many places where you can meet girls. Esp. at colleges and universities...so many girls there.

 

"I don't like being what everyone else calls "a loner"."

-Ya thats a really bad term to use

 

" I have one very good friend of mine whom I spend some time with every weekend. I'm not a guy with six-pack abs and bulging muscels."

--Neither am I, even though I work out a lot

 

I'm a husky guy who works out three to four times a week to tone up and keep the weight off. I'd say I have average looks.

 

"There's this girl who lives in the apartment building next to mine. I've never seen her with another boy and I've never seen her drink or stay out late on weekends. I've crossed paths with her a couple times outside and we usually comment on how nice the weather is, but I've never had a conversation with her. I'm so afraid to approach her for fear of rejection."

--If you don't approach her, you are rejected. So approach her and see what happens. Approaching her is no worse than not approaching her. But be her friend first. Don't immediately show romantic interest. Just be her friend.

 

"I really want to ask her out on a date but I don't know the proper way to approach her. I don't want to start talking to her when she's leaving or coming home from work because I'm afraid I'll look desperate. If she thinks I'm desperate for someone that might turn her off because it shows that I have a hard time meeting people. When's the right time to approach her and what should I say? "

--Don't just jump in and date her. Be her friend. Get to know her first. Take time to befriend her and get to know her, before you start dating.

 

 

If she accepts an offer for a date then how do I show her that I'm genuinely interested in a relationship with her? When is it okay to start hugging, holding hands, kissing, etc? How do I know when a woman is ready for sex in a relationship?

---Sex happens when you are in a committed relationship. YOu have to get to that point first...start off by befriending her.

 

I don't want to come on to strong because the last thing I want her to think is that I'm using her for sex. Although intimacy is important in a relationship, I want her to know that I really care about her needs and feelings as a person and that I'm not just trying to get her to have sex with me.

--_Then befriend her, and forget about sex and kissing and other stuff. Don't worry. It will happen in its time (preferably when you are married to her)

 

 

Even though I have a good-paying job and will be buying a house soon, I still don't feel like my life has any purpose or direction. There's no one special in my life to come home to every evening. I would like that special someone to make my life worthwhile. I want to know that I'm an important part of someone else's life. Right now, I feel like things will never change. What can I do?

[Spirits Away]

3 things:

- She may be just as shy on the other end

- Everyone took their first step in stepping out of their confort zone to try to conversate (it's just a matter of when it happens)

- View her as a person just like you.

 

I've gotten out of my "shell" 2 years ago, it was like one day i suddenly notice people are acting very artificial to each other. Especially my friends whom I've been around for years, who now posess the "skill" to compliment people deliberately. I also suddenly have the ability to distinguish between what a sincere conversation is compared to an insincere one. Insincere ones are when a person are not interested in the other person or the things that are being discussed; I can sometimes tell they think of ways to "handle" the conversation and gives a slient "whew" when the conversation ended or have a "question" notebook in their head that they ask everyone. A sincere conversation is where you're interested in either the topic that's in the discussion or interested in the person you're talking to itself. Despite my moderate shyness towards people, it is then I realize i posess honesty and sincerity. Sticking to honesty made me comfortable to conversate. One reason is because i realize that i'm, in my own standard, "better" than other people. But emotionally, i think the truth is because I've figured out where I stand and don't need to "hide".

[Radio Ryan]

I'm trying to live by this too, so don't think I don't know what I'm saying here...

 

There's an old poker adage that really fits into this thread. "You can't win what you don't put in the middle and you can't win if you don't put anything in the middle."

 

Personally, I've got to learn to take chances with my life and stop second-guessing every move I make 10 moves before I even make 'em.

 

FTR, I'm 28 and never had a girlfriend.

[bsteinagel]

Hi Everyone,

 

I wanted to start by thanking all of you who took the time to reply to my post and give me some suggestions. Your advice gave me the courage to talk with this girl and find out a little more about her. Today, I happened to see her outside. I decided I was sick and tired of never letting anyone know I was interested in them, so I started talking with her. She seems like a very nice girl with many of the same interests I have. But I found out she has a fiance. Needless to say, I'm very depressed right now. I suppose I can find some consolation in the fact that at least I tried and if I hadn't I might have let another opportunity slip past me.

[Caldus]

Hey guy don't get down about this. This is a huge accomplishment for you. You actually had the courage to talk to her and that shows some confidence. There are hundreds of other girls out there.

[newdawn812]

Hi Brad,

 

I just want to say that it's really impressive that you've got a great job and are on your way to buying a house. This shows direction, even though you don't feel like it.

 

I was (and still am) really shy but have gotten over it a lot by working in a place with a lot of customers. This has given me more confidence. I thought maybe if you need to meet more people and don't want to go to bars (I don't blame you for that), maybe join a club or start volunteering somewhere.

 

I know it's scary but you never know who you'll meet!

[ves]

She's not going to sit there and analyze your every move.

Haha, let's be honest here...if she likes you, she's going to analyze everything you do. It's not something you need to worry about, though. Generally it helps you more than it hurts you, unless you do something excessively stupid, like forgetting her name.

Bwahahaha!!! That's totally true. When you have a crush on someone, even "hi" can take on depths of meaning. People in lurrve can be so bizarre.

 

I try to really balance this by constantly repeating to myself, They Are Human. I call it Verbal Diahrrea (kudos Bridget Jones) - you know what you want to say and your intentions, but between brain and mouth something gets all screwed up. I very rarely have ever *said* what I wanted, 100% true blue, and exactly how it sounded in my head. It gets all mangled!

 

I think there are a lot of people like this, and giving a little leeway goes a long way for my sanity.

 

Good on ya Brad for trying!

[annie24]

Hey - don't get down on yourself. She's engaged! it's not like she didn't want to go out with you because you weren't her type or something. And like you said, you know what her deal is now. Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to go up to her.

 

So, next time you see a girl you think you may be interested in, you should talk to her. Remember - you're a great guy and you have a lot going for you. Any girl would be lucky to have you. Take care!

[joe45]

ur 24 wowo already have ur own apt wow what kind of wrk do u do and ur schooling. i am ur age too but not as established as u are.

anyways i am similar to u 24 and never had a gf....what i got to now from gals is that if the gal is a 6.5 to a 10 a good chance shes got a bf , that what i found out.eitehr they tell u directly or somewhere in the conversation or ya hear em talking to their friend or someone and they mention bf. are u asian too. seems like a lot of aisan parents don't want there kids ot date... till later in life and then the kid finds out it is very hard to actually find someone.

 

i usually think that if ur a guy that has a great job and money that women would just flaunt right in front of u-that what mom said, guess not hey

[Caldus]

what i got to now from gals is that if the gal is a 6.5 to a 10 a good chance shes got a bf

 

That's not a good way to think. Lots of single beautiful girls out there buddy. I know that.

[annie24]

Yes - Ditto to what Caldus said. If there's anything this website has taught me, it's that people break up every single day. To say, "oh, he or she is attractive, they must be taken" - that to me is a self-defeating attitude.

[sk2000]

Dude.... Your a mess. But your not alone too. I also put my eggs in one basket on the girl that I am interested in. But that also does not mean that I can't talk to other girls as well. My mistake was not looking at other options when I met this girl during the early stages of my pursuit.

Go outside of your apartment complex and meet other women. Via bookstore, dancing lessons, or whatever. You could meet some hot women if your the outdoorsy type.

But if you are really into this chick, the only way to get to know her is to ask. "Whats your name?" for starters LOL!HAHAHAHA!!! Then start showing your interest in her by being genuine about it. Remember, establishing a friendship with a girl your attracted to is more important than your personal feelings. Putting your feelings aside won't make things so difficult for you. And that goes for every girl you meet.

All that stuff in your 3rd paragraph is too much for my taste. STEP by STEP Bro... Friends first with her and all of the other 3 to 8 girls that you should be dating at the same time playa. I know that everyone here agrees with dating more than one person. Because dating is about getting to know the other girl and choosing the right one, not just for you, but for the chemistry that you have with that girl. Dont get confused by that!!!

Later yo