Heartbroken.. When is the pain going to get better? Help

[Schockobaerin]

Hi:

My exbf dumped me almost 4 weeks ago, I was kind, loving and very nice, a "perfect" gf. Sadly his issues with his exgf and self-steem or selfishness, took its toll and he decided I wasnt worth it, so he broke up with me for the second time, leaving me devastated and numb. Sometimes I feel so stupid, because Im still very nice, and answered his call at saturday, where he showed me his arrogance, telling me that it was the best, and "didnt want for me to wait for him", I have told him that we have to stay out of contact for at least 3 months, and he agreed. I think he has some GIGS plus a lot of baggage, it doesnt matter. Some days I feel good, some days pretty sad, it made me very insecure and I think it is not fair to me, and I am very angry at myself because I know I deserve better, and how could I give another person so much power to let him hurt me so bad.. While he is probably having fun and feeling free, Im here feeling numb and worthless, and its just not fair with me. I know Im not the only one, and I can feel Im feeling better slowly, but wanted to share this experience with you, and ask you for your experience and some tips how to overcome this, how long it has taken for you to feel better, and if he one day is going to regret what he did to me? Not because of revenge, but I dont know, it would make me feel better.

My friends are already very tired of hear my moaning, and believe me, now I cry because of myself and how could I let someone do this to me, and how in the hell I want him back still..

 

Thank you for your advice I just need some bravery words

[BeenThereB4]

How long was the relationship?

[DancingFool]

He is damaged goods and being nice, kind, even a perfect gf isn't going to cure his issues. Nobody can cure his issues but him. I'm saying this so that going forward, when you see red flags like ex issues, selfishness, etc., you simply walk away fast, before you get too invested. Also, once someone leaves you one time, it's over. Don't give second chances when it comes to love. He already showed you that he doesn't care about losing you. You don't need round two.

 

Also, to help yourself, change your inner conversation. Instead of saying "he decided I wasn't worth it", say this "I got involved with damaged goods and it's good he is gone so I'm free to find a healthy relationship." What story you tell yourself becomes your reality.

[Schockobaerin]

How long was the relationship?

 

14 months, but we were spearated btw Jan-May (I was in a travel, and he was working on his issues or whatever he did at that time)

[Schockobaerin]

He is damaged goods and being nice, kind, even a perfect gf isn't going to cure his issues. Nobody can cure his issues but him. I'm saying this so that going forward, when you see red flags like ex issues, selfishness, etc., you simply walk away fast, before you get too invested. Also, once someone leaves you one time, it's over. Don't give second chances when it comes to love. He already showed you that he doesn't care about losing you. You don't need round two.

 

Also, to help yourself, change your inner conversation. Instead of saying "he decided I wasn't worth it", say this "I got involved with damaged goods and it's good he is gone so I'm free to find a healthy relationship." What story you tell yourself becomes your reality.

Thank you very much for your words, I know you are right, at the beginning I didnt know about it, and when I realized it I was already very in love, he got really depressed and that was the cause of the first breakup, when I came back I gave him the final ultimatum, that we come together or that I was ready to let him go, he wanted more time, and I told him time was over, maybe that was my mistake. The new relationship was great, but I must recognize at the end I felt undervaluated and he told he loves me and cares for me, but just "couldnt fall in love", for me it was a slap in the face, because I felt it was too soon for that, anyway he doesnt love me enought to fight for me, took me for granted and I was a doormat. The ex is still a big influence and he let her do this.. He needs to be alone to sort his issues, I know he is damaged goods, but he is so kind and we had such an special connection.. Anyway now Im trying to accept that he is not for me, but why is it so difficult to accept it? Why am I so attached? Why is this so difficult, he clearly didnt treat me well, leaving me heartbroken, without a fight... I know my worth, Im pretty, inteligent, funny, lovable, but for him that wasnt enought. Just a pity, and that makes me sad, because at the very end is going to be his loss, not mine, but when I am going to realize this?

[thealchemist]

It takes two to make any healthy relationship work. There is no perfect Gf. You can't have half of a whole and it be perfection. So there is nothing you can do to overcompinsate for a lack luster bf.

 

Logic is hard to apply to a relationship you are in. Logically you should realize how bad of a boyfriend he is. But that doesn't help when the part of your brain responsible for all those feelings shuts down your logic side.

 

This guy doesn't sound like he was worth any of the effort you gave him. I would try to analyze why you put up with his crap to help you avoid that in the future.

 

Time is the best thing, as cliche as it is.

[BeenThereB4]

I'm not sure how long it will take to get over him. Each relationship is different. Allow yourself to mourn. After 14 months, it is natural to be sad. Just know, that you will meet someone else again. Spend this time doing things that make you happy. There is a lot of freedom in being single. Use that freetime for self-improvement and you will be ready to love again when the time comes.

[Schockobaerin]

It takes two to make any healthy relationship work. There is no perfect Gf. You can't have half of a whole and it be perfection. So there is nothing you can do to overcompinsate for a lack luster bf.

 

Logic is hard to apply to a relationship you are in. Logically you should realize how bad of a boyfriend he is. But that doesn't help when the part of your brain responsible for all those feelings shuts down your logic side.

 

This guy doesn't sound like he was worth any of the effort you gave him. I would try to analyze why you put up with his crap to help you avoid that in the future.

 

Time is the best thing, as cliche as it is.

Of course I wasnt perfect, I tried my best, why am I so attached to him? Well it could be that he was my first serious relationship, and with all his faults he is a very lovable person, someone who is good, we just complemented each other, both are very intelligent and had a lot of fun together.. I put up with his crap, because he was very hurt in the past and knew he was afraid of it, I didnt want to hurt him, he had a very strong depression and had self-esteem issues, I just wanted to be there for him, nothing more.. Sadly in my way I spoiled him and made myself less valuable, at the end he was very selfish, didnt think about my needs (believe me I tried not to be needy at all) and when I expected the same from him.. Well then is when I think he wanted to drop the hot potato.

 

My mistake, to give it all, to think love is trust and unconditional, to be so naive and being happy with breadcrumbs, overvaluating someone who can say that "he loves me", but it was a pain for him to give something back to me, for putting him first and a priority when clearly for him is him first, then his friends, exgf and then maybe me, for not picking a fight when he did something I didnt like, but to try to resolve the issues speaking as adults, to believe in someone, and believe that he was my happiness (BIG ERROR), for believing in second chances, for not knowing how "to play the game". I bet that if I would have treated him badly or dominantly or selfishly he would have valuated me more.. IT doesnt matter anyway, I do not regret anything, because I gave my best, and if he didnt want to see it, his problem and his loss. Im just so angry at myself, because I let him hurt me so much, and he stills doesnt see it, what hurts me most is not that he is not in love with me, but that he didnt want to fight for me like I did for him, he just gave up and now just thinks that he made me a favor giving me experience in romantic relationships.

 

Now Im here, broken, afraid that Im not going to trust anyone anymore, angry at myself because Im not using my logic and after one month Im still crying for someone who clearly doesnt deserve it, and still want him back, because I think I never going to find someone that Im going to have this chemistry and affinity with(crazy huh).. Thank you very much for your words, and I hope you are right, and time cures it, because if he ever comes back, I just want to be over him, or see him fight for me. I just want him to understand that what he did was wrong, to hurt me and that Im very valuable, thats all.

I just want time to fly away and to cure my pain and stop suffering like an idiot, life is too short for this stuff...

[thealchemist]

Of course I wasnt perfect, I tried my best, why am I so attached to him? Well it could be that he was my first serious relationship, and with all his faults he is a very lovable person, someone who is good, we just complemented each other, both are very intelligent and had a lot of fun together.. I put up with his crap, because he was very hurt in the past and knew he was afraid of it, I didnt want to hurt him, he had a very strong depression and had self-esteem issues, I just wanted to be there for him, nothing more.. Sadly in my way I spoiled him and made myself less valuable, at the end he was very selfish, didnt think about my needs (believe me I tried not to be needy at all) and when I expected the same from him.. Well then is when I think he wanted to drop the hot potato.

 

My mistake, to give it all, to think love is trust and unconditional, to be so naive and being happy with breadcrumbs, overvaluating someone who can say that "he loves me", but it was a pain for him to give something back to me, for putting him first and a priority when clearly for him is him first, then his friends, exgf and then maybe me, for not picking a fight when he did something I didnt like, but to try to resolve the issues speaking as adults, to believe in someone, and believe that he was my happiness (BIG ERROR), for believing in second chances, for not knowing how "to play the game". I bet that if I would have treated him badly or dominantly or selfishly he would have valuated me more.. IT doesnt matter anyway, I do not regret anything, because I gave my best, and if he didnt want to see it, his problem and his loss. Im just so angry at myself, because I let him hurt me so much, and he stills doesnt see it, what hurts me most is not that he is not in love with me, but that he didnt want to fight for me like I did for him, he just gave up and now just thinks that he made me a favor giving me experience in romantic relationships.

 

Now Im here, broken, afraid that Im not going to trust anyone anymore, angry at myself because Im not using my logic and after one month Im still crying for someone who clearly doesnt deserve it, and still want him back, because I think I never going to find someone that Im going to have this chemistry and affinity with(crazy huh).. Thank you very much for your words, and I hope you are right, and time cures it, because if he ever comes back, I just want to be over him, or see him fight for me. I just want him to understand that what he did was wrong, to hurt me and that Im very valuable, thats all.

I just want time to fly away and to cure my pain and stop suffering like an idiot, life is too short for this stuff...

Well being a first serious relationship breakup makes it harder.

 

How long were you two together?

[Schockobaerin]

14 months, but we were separated from end dec-middle may, he had strong depression and I travelled to my home country at the time, I did another mistake at the time, instead of getting over him, I kept suffering for him, because he was depressed(I was depressed myself a long time ago and understand the sickness), and we contacted each other every 2 weeks.. Now as well, every 10 days we contact.. Thats the reason I told him, i did want to stay NC for at least a couple of months, to see if he can valuate me, heal himself and for time for me to heal and get over him... I want him back, but to tell you the truth, I want to get over him as well, because I just dont trust him anymore, something is clear, if he ever comes back, and if this happen it would be possible in a looooooonnnnngggg time, I want to be strong enough to make him fight for me, or let him go.. I know he has feelings for me, but sadly his baggage does not let him to let them develop further.. Anyway is his choice to let me go, he clearly does not value me enough, he wants me to stay in his life as friends or fwb, and I just dont approve of if.. Who knows what is he doing now, getting to his ex? with a new one? enjoying single life? really getting better? Missing me?? I dont know, and I just dont want to care about it... This time I want to think about ME and only ME... But cannot stop the crying, the moaning, the "poor me", insecuririties and hate myself for it..