Extremely confused - was I a rebound and was he hiding something?

[Bumblebee16]

Hi,

 

Sory for the long post but I have tried to include the details I think are necesary, as quickly as possible. I would really appreciate some thoughts and advice here, as I'm still really confused.

 

I met a guy on a dating app (he is 26, I'm 30) and we got on very well immediately. Other than dating one person for a couple of weeks, I'd been single for 2 years; he said he'd split from his partner of 5 years 5 months earlier but explicitly said he wasn't on the rebound (I made sure to ask if he was over the break up), that "that ship sailed a long time ago" and that I was the first person he'd met since. We swapped numbers and continued to communicate via text - that first day we messaged one another almost continuously and he was extremely enthusiastic; our humours matched and we had very similar interests. He also videocalled me - I was reluctant as I was in bed but he said "I always get my own way", which perhaps was an initial sign of what was to come? Anyway, we arranged to meet up the next day and we had immediate chemistry, talked and laughed a lot, and generally had a great time. For the next few weeks, I genuinely felt like I'd been swept off my feet, and began to develop real feelings for him. He was extremely complimentary, telling me how lucky he felt to have met someone like me, telling me how attractive I was (an 11/10 apparently), how kind I was, how excited he was to see me etc. Each time he stayed over, he would leave a little love note before he left saying things like 'Miss you already' and quoting lyrics from a love song that he'd said was going to be 'our song' - he also sent me a couple of Snapchats of him miming along to the same song. Our relationship was also sexual and this too was great. He also made a point of introducing me to his closest friends, told his friends and family how happy he was, and asked to meet my parents, which he did.

 

However, he began to do several things that made me get a 'gut feeling'. Within a couple of weeks, he literally told me "I'm worried I have nothing to offer you" and expanded upon this by saying that while I am 8 years into my career (as a teacher), own a home, have a good car and am financially stable, he is still living with his parents, can drive but doesn't own a car, and is in a lot of short-term debt due to the fact that he is completing his final year of university to enter his chosen career. He even once randomly put his phone in my face while it was logged into his internet banking to show me this. I reassured him twice that I was with him for who he is, not for what he does or doesn't have; I didn't push to go out on dates very often because I didn't want him to feel financially pressured or embarrassed if I offered to pay. He also invited me to a friend's party and openly referred to us as 'official' but then the next day when I brought it up he seemed to retract it and said he 'didn't want to label anything'. Although he asked to meet my parents, he wouldn't introduce me to his family, despite me saying I wouldn't mind and his family appearing to be interested too (they often hung around outside when I picked him up). Also, on occasions when he mentioned his LTR ex, he would sound quite bitter and resentful, referring to them by vulgar words despite the fact that he said that he was the one who ended it; he also said his ex 'would have him back like that (clicks fingers)' if he asked. I also notived a 'shift' after a while - he stopped initiating contact with me but would always quickly reply when I initiated, which made me think my 'gut feeling' was just me being silly.

 

Finally, one weekend we got together. He suggested going to the cinema, which we did. That night, we snuggled up under a blanket on my couch to watch a film and his body language was 'normal' i.e. he cuddled into me, kissed me etc. He stayed over and the next day I drove him home. On the journey, he talked as normal and we arranged to get together a few days later. I kissed him goodbye and went home.

 

An hour later, I got a long text message in which he said: 'Things have been really good between us and I've loved every minute of it but I'm realising the more time I'm spending with you the more serious things are getting. And if I'm honest with myself which I have to be I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I haven't even been single for long really. I can't give you what you want and it's not fair to continue things when we both want different things. You are an amazing person and totally my Mr Right and maybe in a years time things would have been different but now isn't the right time for me. I hope you can understand and we could still be friends? Because I am gutted but I know it's not fair when I'm not willing to give my all to what you deserve'. Suffice to say I was blindsided - I couldn't understand how he could go from 'all in' to 'all out' so suddenly. What did a year's time have to do with anything? I couldn't understand what he meant by 'serious' - I'd never referred to us as official, never met his family, not yet introduced him to my closest friends or family other than my parents (who HE'D asked to meet), never told him how I was beginning to feel. His behaviour even that morning had been absolutely 'normal' and I couldn't believe he'd done it via text message. I replied and the conversation went on for a little while, in which he reiterated that he 'just wasn't ready for it all', that I was absolutely the right person for him and that bhe didn't want to see anyone else. I was absolutely dignified throughout: no anger, no bitterness, no accusations, no begging, no pleading, no swearing, not a single exclamation mark. I said I appreciated that he hadn't just vanished but would have liked it to be face-to-face - he said that he just 'didn't have the heart' to tell me to my face.

 

I cut all contact (I made sure the last message sent came from him, not me), but the very same night I got a feeling and logged into the app we'd originally met on: just 5 hours later and there he was, online - though of course he could have been on even befoe then. He hasn't appeared since so I think he may have blocked me. For the next five days he continued to view every single image on my Snapchat story (I viewed none of his at all) and then he messaged me to say congratulations on my school's exam results (with a 'x' on the end). I responded politely but curtly saying thank you and that the hard work had paid off - no 'x'. After another two days of viewing my story, he unfriended me but didn't block. Just to point out, the images he viewed were of me living my life - going out and laughing with friends, going shopping, eating out, road trips etc - not images of me crying into a tub of ice cream under a blanket. I find it strange that he should keep up with what I was doing; he surely must have been aware that I wasn't doing the same. I do believe that I handled it all with grace and was told the same by family and friends.

 

I've since found out that I was in fact NOT the first person he had dated since his LTR break up - he was with someone else until at most five weeks before he started seeing me, and that they were at least in communication during the last few months of his LTR. It makes me wonder if he wasn't over his LTR after all and that I wasn't just a rebound, but his second rebound, and he moves from one to the next once any feelings start to develop or perhaps they get close enough to uncover some hidden truth. It also makes me wonder if in fact his LTR didn't end in the way that he said it did. The constant comparisons he seemed to make between us also suggest low sel-esteem and insecurity - in fact, he once told me that he considered himself to be unattractive and insecure. I'm moving on with life now and feeling better in myself but just so confused about what happened, perhaps because it was so abrupt and via message, which deprived me of face-to-face closure. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[MissCanuck]

Yes, this sounds like a rebound or an attempt to make his ex jealous.

 

When someone is always bringing up an ex, even if to criticize and insult them, it's a red flag that there's unfinished emotional business. If he had truly moved on, he wouldn't have kept bringing her up. She would be a distant point on the timeline of his life, not someone by which he measure his subsequent relationships.

[Bumblebee16]

Just realised an additional factor, though not sure how relevant it is. On several occasions after sex, he would ask if it had been 'good for me' and I had to reassure him. Don't know if he genuinely lacked confidence sexually or was looking for an ego boost or something?