Girlfriend Doesn't Believe me

[EnolWolf]

My girlfriend and I have been talking about sex more often, which is suprising because she's the type that wouldn't even think of that before marriage.

 

We were talking last night and got on the subject of us being really close in a closet a work. We didn't do anything but kiss and tell each other how much we love each other for about 20 minutes.

 

On the phone she told me about how she likes it when I pull her close to me (pelvis to pelvis.) I was surprised. Well, the conversation goes on and we talk about pleasuring each other in other ways besides sex. She told me that she wants to masturbate me. This nearly caused me to have a heart attack .

 

She also said that she wants to touch me in certain places, but she's afraid I'll think of her along the lines of a (4 letter word that starts with an S and ends with a LUT.) I don't see why because she made it clear that something like that would cross her mind beacuse she loves me and wants to give me that pleasure.

 

I explained to her that it would make me feel comfortable to know that she can open herself up to me and my body as well. I would never want make her to feel uncomfortable.

 

As I spoke for myself, I told her that I can go without sex and that holding her in my arms all night would do me great pleasure. We wouldn't even have to speak. We would just share the feeling of belonging to someone.

 

This is where the problem comes in. She told me all of the above sounds like lies. She thinks I have a hidden agenda.

 

How should I handle this? What are your opinions?

 

I had planned on telling her that if she continues to think that way about me, someone who she supposedly loves, that she can forget about sex even if we get married. That's just how much she offended me.

 

Thanks for reading!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Day_Walker]

The reason why she doesnt believe you because guys are perceived as always wanting sex. To her it seems as if you are telling her what she wants to her in order to have your way with her. If you are truly concerned about her thinking this then show her by your actions what you have said to her. I wouldnt go so far as never having sex with her thats not exactly productive.

 

At this point I am suspending disbelief that both of you dont seem to have an interest in having sex. I'm sure that you have ur reasons for wanting to wait till marriage, but this kind of behavior especially from your gf thinking that if she does something with her bf sexually makes her a four letter word (starts with S and ends with LUT) thats unnecessary. Sex and sexuality is not something thats dirty or wrong. Now you and your gf may believe that it only should be done in the confines of marriage but even then you dont want to think of it as something you shouldnt be doing or that its evil, dirty or wrong.

[EnolWolf]

She is a virgin and I've had sex in my previous relationship about 17 times.

 

I don't see it as dirty or anything. She thinks all guys just want sex like you said. She always talks about "that thing between our legs."

 

You were right though. The thought of having sex with her at the moment is far off. I don't want that anytime soon. I just want to pleasure her in other ways besides that.

 

It was her decision to wait until marriage. Either way it doesn't bother me. I don't need sex to be close to her.

 

Thanks for replying!

[sisterlynch]

I think that it is pretty rare that the guy is less interested in sex than the girl. I think that because you are less aggressive with her, that is giving her plenty of time to prepare emotionally and physically for what will happen. Some of her words sound mean to you, maybe she realized that she was being mean and trying to test your feelings for her.

 

She is feeling ambiguous about the relationship. I think that she would like to have sex, but feels bad about being the aggressive one.

 

I think that at 18 or 19, you two are still a couple of years away from being ready to have a life together, and she is tired of waiting and wants more in the relationship. Maybe she feels empty to be with you so much, but not have sex. Even tho she states other wise, reading into her emotions is important for you to do at times. She is clearly stating that she wants to have sex. If you are not open to having sex with her, then let her play the field for a while.

[someguy69]

She may be changing her mind about waiting until marriage -- or maybe she wants to save actual vaginal intercourse for marriage, and still explore other sexual activities.

 

From her actions it sounds like she wants you to want her... regardless of her wanting to wait. BTW... just because she wants to wait does not by any means mean that she doesn't desire having sex -- she wants sex, but is willing to wait for it.

 

Your lack of desire for sex is likely making her feel that you're not attracted to her sexually.

 

She wants you to want her... she may not be ready for sex... but she wants you to want it... and is willing (and wanting) to have sexual gratificaiton without intercourse.

[ShySoul]

How was she raised? Was she taught to believe that sex is dirty or that guys only want sex? Has she been hurt by someone only interested in sex? Looking at it from her perspective would be a good way to figure out what she is thinking. I think that because she cares about you so much she is having conflicting feelings. She knows she wants to wait until marriage but also feels passionately about being with you. There may also be some curiosity involved, wanting to know just what it feels like since I assume she's never done it.

 

I think your doing fine. You have your reasons for waiting and both of you should respect the others wishes. Your also open to trying new things if she wants to. The most telling part is that you said you were interested in giving her pleasure. Let her know that. Your not interested in what she does to you, your interested in what will make her happy. If she doesn't believe you then it could be for a number of reason. What you should do is show her with your words and actions that you are different. Show her that you care about her happiness and her pleasure. Make her feel safe and comfortable around you. Gradually she will see that you love her and that your not just out to get some "action."

[SPark]

I could be way off base here, but it sounds to me like maybe she has some bad experience in her past...maybe not abuse, maybe like a really strict parent or church that gave her a lot of FEAR about men and sex and their intentions. If she is not experienced, her visual image could be more like you have a nuclear missle in your trousers that is primed to go off at the slightest touch and will kill her. Sounds extreme, but it`s amazing what guilt and fear can do if carefully planted in the fertile soil of a sensitive heart.

 

You are right to be offended, but try to think past your own hurt and think about what might be going on with her. Is she just shy, is she not that into you, or MAYBE there is something else going on here, at least in her mind. What she is really asking is for you to heal her heart. You can do that by not scaring her, showing her by your words and actions that you DO find her attractive, with or without sex, and by letting her take the lead in sexual matters. This will help her to gain back her self-confidence about being able to control her own body and make choices, and will also help her to trust you even more.

 

She talked to you about sex and even proposed touching each other once, so if you let her be, she`ll bring it up again...trust me, she is probably thinking of nothing else!! So just let her tend the little campfire in her heart, and hand her some tinder now and then!! When she`s ready, she`ll probably surprise you a bit with her fire and passion.

 

Now, you are offended, so be sure to talk that out with her, but try to do it in a gentle way without flying off the handle.

 

ps I know that you are trying to be sweet to her about talking about holding her all night with no sex, and that this is your true heart`s feeling, but to her it might just sound like a little bit of changing the subject...she feels the affection, but she`s talking about SEX, not cuddling with no sex!!

Let her take the lead, and if she says something about that again, look her right in the eye, hold her hand, and say something along the lines of "Baby, that would be incredible. I love that you are thinking that way. I would love to do that with you, but I want you to take the lead, ok. Just take your time, because I`m right here, and I`m not going anywhere." DON`T tell her that you love her equally well without sex, because that gives her no in to bring it up again...and she wants to!! Also, don`t scare her with bad experience stories or anything too hardcore...let her take the lead. She will, I think.

 

Best wishes to the two of you.

[SPark]

ShySoul, you and I must think exactly the same way...did we even post at the same time? Great advice!!

[ShySoul]

goddesss38,

 

Great advice yourself. We must be on the same wavelength here. Tynetria, between the two of us I think goddesss and I have some good points that will help you out. The most important thing is to talk with her. Communication is always key.

[EnolWolf]

Some of the guesses you had were right.

 

Her parents are extremely strict. I mean like waaaay overboard to the point where they actually control her. I feel bad for her. She says that she dreams of running away with me. She goes through so much dealing with her parents.

 

Also, she was with her ex for only a couple of months. He broke it off saying that he just wanted her for sex and since he wasn't getting any, he cut her loose. This did the most damage.

 

I love to make her feel attractive, but I dislike it when her head grows to the size of an air balloon. But hey, its not about me but her right? So, I'll deal with it. As long as she's happy; I'm happy.

 

I'll let her take the lead.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone!

[Spirits Away]

Hmm... Just say you do want it even if you may not want to. You know, when a person thinks i'm a particular person, i don't go about defending myself, I'll just admit to whatever views they have of me, but be the you even after admitting it, they'll soon learn by your action who you really are.

[SPark]

Spirit`s, that is really cool advice for a variety of situations in life!!

 

Someone once told me...if someone accused you of being something you are not, there is no need to defend yourself because they are really looking at their own reflection....c`mon psych majors, what is this concept we`re dancing with here- projection or something?

 

And, Tynetria, as a goddess with a head that is easily turned and also has a slight tendency to blow up to the size of an air balloon as you say your girlfriend`s can, my best advice is...don`t stick any pins in her, but take her hand and bring her back down to earth by talking about thoughts and feelings and real stuff. This will particularly work if she (been there, done that) gets caught up in the pursuit of material things (therapeutic shopping? Lust after specific brand-name items to help prop up a patchy identity? Do these descriptions sound familiar to, oh, I don`t know, 90% of the Japanese female population at one time or another ?...OK, end of empathetic rant). There is nothing that can combat that as effectively as heart to heart communication about deep and important matters with someone you love...and a nice glass of wine and plate of cheese doesn`t hurt either. So, I`ve been there and done that, but have reformed and am now a cheap date and a very grounded girl, with my head in the clouds. I`m not sure, of course, that this is what you were talking about, but if it is, the appropriate catch phrase is "Having fun with no money" (-Talking Heads).

 

Hope this helps some.

[ShySoul]

Tynetria,

 

Your in a tough spot. Part of her probably wants to rebel against her strict parents and combined with her interest in you and curiosity about sex in general, she's probably very eager to get intimate. But another part of her goes along with what she learned and is afraid you'll be like her ex. You need to be careful, show her attention and affection but don't push things too far. It's difficult but you can do it. The important thing is to be honest and be yourself. I don't think your the guy to hurt her in any way, so try to help her see that. From there just go at her pace, but don't lose sight of your values too.

[SPark]

OK, ShySoul...this is getting freaky. Every time I go to edit my post, yours pops in there while I`m checking!

 

Great advice as usual.

[ShySoul]

goddesss38,

 

It is freaky, we're posting at the same time. Anyway, good advice as well.

[EnolWolf]

Yes, goddesss38, that does sound familiar. She is the type leaning towards expensive things. When it comes to my bank account, she wants me to go all out, but when it comes to me a ring made from a rubber band will satisfy me. I love the simple things. (she drew something for me, not exactly a work of art, and I keep it on my wall just because it came from her). That's what makes my heart tick.

 

Shysoul, I believe you are right about the whole parents thing. I've been thinking that as well.

 

Spirit'saway, I like that concept. It's actually something I've been doing nearly my whole life. When it comes down to the one I love, I just want her to see me for me. I guess that's gonna take a while, so I'll submit. It sure would make things a lot easier.

 

Thanks everyone!

[EnolWolf]

By the way,

 

 

I too think it's strange that you two post advice around the same time. It's even stranger that they are similar.

 

I think you two should hang out .

 

Thanks again!

[sisterlynch]

There are no real rules in dating, just do what you feel good about. Make every move premeditated. Don't follow the traditional ways of doing things if that doesn't make you feel comfortable.\\

 

We all have that feeling of wanting to be good,and present the best face to the family, but sex is really something that you experience on your own and you should feel positively about.

[Spirits Away]

There's a little thing that you might want to add in before admitting. You have to admit it in a way that gives them the feeling of uncertainty. So you should say it in a way that suggests that you may be that type of person, but you may not. THEN they will pay more attention to the diversity. It's like a subtle resistance rather than admit strongly to it as if "I'm like that, so what?". Although when it comes to sex, (If you do want it), it's much better to just admit it.

 

As for the poster's context, I've been in similar situation where the girl indirectly accused me of having a purpose (ie. wanting sex with her). I didn't like it either because i may want to deep inside, but honestly never thought of it when i'm with her. Just as Day_Walker was saying, they have this concept that we're always wanting sex. We may be, but we may not want sex with HER. There are many things the genuine guys consider too like whether we should take it slowly to prolong the relationship.

[sisterlynch]

I am not sure what you are saying to him, to be coy, and act like you want it when you are not sure?

 

Are you saying that he doesn't really want to sleep with his gf in your opinion?

[Spirits Away]

I'm not referring to sex in my first paragraph. Just life in general.

I'm only suggesting a way that can facilitate people to understand who we are.

 

Perhaps i was unclear

[Roxanne1007]

Hey. Ok here goes. I know your seeing mixed signal from her right now. She is showing signs of being interested in you atleast in a intimate or sexual manner.. Being that she is a virgin, this is absolutely normal. You are seeing mixed signals because it is just that. Naturally she is weighing the options and even thinking ahead far enough that being used is a possibility (not saying you would, but its a girl thing.) Trust me, commend her for thinking about it. Because if she doesnt rush into with you, you dont have to worry about her rushing into with anyone else understand? Just support her, and act neutral even if you dont quite understand why she is reacting so differantly from one moment to the next..just keep reassuring her as you are. Your doing very good in my opinion. If you respond to her right now in a negative manner or critisize her, in no way shape or form will that be a good idea. She would be hurt, then you can forget about it. she'll never let you live that down. If you patient and do as i suggested..it'll pan out on its own. Just hang in there. Your on the right track so far. Just be sensitive and understand that women are complicated and dont always make sense. Even we know that.

Good luck, Just hang in there. Hope i helped atleast a little.

[sisterlynch]

Roxanne hit the nail on the head. Women go thru different emotional states on a continual basis. We are used to that. Men either don't go thru the same stages or are less aware of their feelings on certain things.

 

I think that she is telling you that she is interested in sex...If you are in love/lust with her, then get going!! If you are on the fence, Humpty-Dumpty, you may have a great fall!!

[EnolWolf]

Well, I followed through with the advice by letting her take the leand and explaining to her that I would let ther do so.

 

Things have been great. We've been really close in a booth at work and in a closet once again (both days over the past weekend.)

 

On the first day, we were in the closet after the place had closed. I don't know how grapic I can be with posting, so the only thing I can say was that it felt good .

 

She's gotten over feeling like a "dirty person" and lets me know that the only reason she does it is because she loves me and wants to give me pleasure. Things are looking up.

 

Yesterday we had dry sex in the closet.

 

That has to be the last time for that happening at work. It's not extremely comfortable and we've had many close calls. I must admit that I find things like that in, basically, public places exciting.

 

Thanks for your advice and opinions everyone!

[SPark]

Have a fantastic time, and don`t get fired, ok?

 

As far as the public places thing goes, may I recommend a private bedroom on a long distance train? You zip by so fast you`ll be a blur...just be sure to pull the shades when you slow for crossings or stop at a station