Boyfriend has a new female friend and now wants to move out

[jewels7683]

I'm a little scared to post this topic because I know what most people are going to say but here goes. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years and lived together for 2 1/2 years. For the most part, living together has gone well and we didn't have many issues. In the last 4 weeks, my boyfriend has made a new friend who is a girl. He met her through final fantasy. She is married with kids and has a similar military and background that my boyfriend has. I have met her and he has tried to include me in things that they are doing but for one reason or another I didn't end up joining them. This new friendship has led to many fights because he is constantly wanting to do things with her, and now her husband only because I insisted that they try to do things in groups or include others. We got in a blow out July 2nd. It got so bad at one point he left and I thought that was the end of everything. I called my parents because I thought it was done and they offered to help change locks or what ever they could do to help. My boyfriend came home and smoothed things over but my boyfriend is mad at my family for siding with me and were ready to come change locks and such. Please note my family and I are very close and I do talk to at least one person from my family, meaning my parents and sister, once a day. Anyways, I realized I probably jumped the gun in telling my family anything before things got settled. My boyfriend and I were supposed to go on a trip to see my parents over the 4th, a trip that I ended up going by myself on because my boyfriend didn't feel comfortable going with me after all that had happened. While I was gone, it seemed like things were getting better. I got home and he was on the phone and game with his friend for most of the night when I got home. Mind you they had all just hung out while I was gone so I figured they wouldn't still need to be attached at the hip. I got upset at my boyfriend for constantly being on the phone with this girl. I was going to just move on from the whole thing but then I received a bank statement and thinking it was mine for my cc, it was his for his checking account. Come to find out he went to see her on the 4th and took my dog, who he was watching, with him. On the 4th he acted like he was home and hadn't gone out anywhere.I confronted him about it and he admitted he went and didn't tell me because he didn't want to start a fight. I get that to a point but the fact he lied to me about it has hung me up for while. Now we are fighting about the fact he doesn't see much wrong with hiding this and lying to me about. I got home yesterday and he told me that he wants to move out and buy a place, not something he as much talked about with me before this. He says that it would be good for him to have equity, know that he can be financially stable and a couple other reasons that he had never talked to me about. He says I'm jealous of this girl, which is partially true, but now he has confided in her about things that I had no idea about. He swears up and down they are just friends and that I just don't like how close they are. It just feel like he is doing all of this because of this friend. I finally told him that if he wants to move out that I support it. He says he doesn't want to break up, but I don't see how that wouldn't happen. I'm not sure what to do about all this. I'm at the point that I"m just saying whatever will happen, will happen but I don't know if there is some other things I should do to help prevent this from happening.

[glitterfingers]

There's nothing you can really do to stop this from happening. You can't make him stay, and he seems to be just edging out of the relationship slowly. I don't know how bad the jealousy got with you guys and how it impacted your relationship, but I can see it from both sides. On the one hand, what he's doing would make me feel insecure too since he wasn't already friends with this woman but developed a strong connection with her when already committed to you. On the other hand, if you've handled it badly when he's tried to include you and made things difficult for him, I'd probably feel a little defiant/resentful too... BUT, here's the clincher, if I loved and cared about my partner, I would prioritise them over this new friend and just stop talking to the new person. Instead, he went behind your back and took a trip to see her. Yeah, he did lie. You're right to feel upset about this - he doesn't respect you and care about your emotional wellbeing.

 

I say good riddance to him moving out. He wants to take a step further away from you at a time where he should be heavily investing in order to save the relationship? You already know what that means, I'm not going to say much more on that.

 

For the record, I would be careful about involving family in conflicts in the future - you should only tell them after you've broken up and do not complain/talk about your bf to them. They will always assume that the bf is no good and will jump to your aid. I don't see how you could expect your boyfriend to want to stay in that situation, where you can talk to your family about him and air your grievances and they'll offer to change locks and help you get rid of him in a fairly callous way. At the very least I wouldn't be telling your boyfriend how much info you gave them about your relationship. He's right to be upset about that - that's private and should remain behind closed doors. The best way to keep a relationship healthy is to keep biased parties out of it (i.e. basically anyone you know personally)

[EtrnalOptimist]

I'm a little scared to post this topic because I know what most people are going to say but here goes.

Don't be. Many here have been through something unbelievably similar.

 

He swears up and down they are just friends and that I just don't like how close they are. .

Yeah right. We have NEVER heard that before

 

IF he includes you in regular social meetings with his friend and her husband, and IF he reduces contact from the levels you mention, you MAY have a chance. Ultimately, as glitterfingers says, it is enough that it's making you uncomfortable. If he valued his relationship with you more than he valued his friendship, especially after you explain calmly why it bothers you so much, then he would address it rather than be defiant (that defiance is VERY common and is the cause for many relationship deaths).

 

Be strong. And keep your dignity by taking control of this. Don't let things happen

[jewels7683]

Thanks to you both! I agree that I shouldn't involve my family or friends until it comes to an ultimate resolution and I will not do that in the future. I appreciate that you both gave me some constructive things to think about instead of just saying "he needs to go" or "you should kick him out". I really appreciate it!

[MissCanuck]

This is an affair in the making.

 

They are not just friends; not anymore, anyway. The visits and the time they spend communicating suggest something more is brewing between them. It doesn't really matter if she's married. Plenty of married folks cross boundaries.

 

You can't prevent him from moving out and buying his own place. But you can certainly ask yourself what it means that he didn't invite you to join him or share his plans prior to now. I'm sorry girl, but I think your boyfriend is making his exit from your relationship.