I'm dying inside

[hopeparis]

I don't know what's happening. We were supposed to be on vacation together at this moment. Everything went south so fast. The more time passes, the more empty I feel. It's not so much the end of the relationship that hurts, but the way it did, and how much his actions hurt me.

I never deserved to be treated this way. It seems like all his respect for me has vanished with the end of the relationship. It's like I'm / I was nothing.

I messaged him twice on FB to come get his stuff back since it's been 3 weeks since the break up. Didnt open those. I texted him to be sure he knew I had to get rid of it because of my mother. No response.

I feel bad throwing it away. I don't get this silence. All I ever wanted was to be civil since our break up was amicable - at least that's what I thought. My mind is looping non stop and it's so tiring.

Today I cried for the 1st time in my life in public, in the train. I couldnt take it anymore. I feel so rejected and empty when all I did was show him respect. I never hurt him.

I don't even care about his reasons anymore.

I just want to stop hurting and I don't know how. I've tried everything. I can't afford a therapist, I'm a student.

I've been going out, exercising, reading. But the physical pain in my throat, chest and belly is constant, even in my sleep. I can't take it any longer

[DancingFool]

If you are in college or uni, they usually have therapy and counseling services available to their students free of charge. So if you feel the need to talk and some counseling, look into that.

 

Other than that, perhaps his silence is not a lack of respect or rejection at all. Consider that he is also hurting inside, feels bad, guilty, can't face you, etc. Even if he chose to end the relationship doesn't mean that his feelings and emotions were turned off like a light switch. It really doesn't work like that. Three weeks out, things are raw for the both of you.

 

Why not box his stuff up and send it to him or have a friend drop it off at his doorstep?

[hopeparis]

I ended it after he told me he wanted to be alone and had nearly no feelings left nor any wish to try and work things out. To me it was disrespectful in the sense that he knows that it's creating issues in my household, and that it's really hard for me to manage, still no answer. But I understand what you mean. I just feel like he's making it even more painful than it should be, because at one point he'll have to get it back? But you're right, I think I'll send it to him. My friends won't get involved.

We were best friends for so long. It just hurts so much to be dismissed like this. It's really difficult to accept.

I just wish the physical pain would stop. I can't stop crying

 

Thank you for your advice

Unfortunately those services are closed because of the summer. But I will try to find something else

[DancingFool]

I ended it after he told me he wanted to be alone and had nearly no feelings left nor any wish to try and work things out. To me it was disrespectful in the sense that he knows that it's creating issues in my household, and that it's really hard for me to manage, still no answer. But I understand what you mean. I just feel like he's making it even more painful than it should be, because at one point he'll have to get it back? But you're right, I think I'll send it to him. My friends won't get involved.

We were best friends for so long. It just hurts so much to be dismissed like this. It's really difficult to accept.

I just wish the physical pain would stop. I can't stop crying

 

Thank you for your advice

Unfortunately those services are closed because of the summer. But I will try to find something else

 

Still....keep in mind that when someone wants out, they might not be so good at explaining why or putting things in words. As for the mean stuff, I mean that's usually a tactic to push you away that's not about you, it's actually about them. Kind of mean, kind of cowardly tactic, but still a tactic. Important that you don't take that so personally and take it to heart that you somehow don't mean anything. In general, selfish people tend to be disrespectful. You can't control who he is or how he chooses to act, you can only control how you respond to it (send his sh$t back to him and wash your hands of it). Do your best to understand that what he is doing is pretty much 100% about himself and his own emotions and how he is choosing to deal with things. His choices do not diminish you as a person, doesn't make you less than who you are. You KNOW this. (Go read your other post, it was beautiful and powerful and I think you need to read that again and again right now). We all have these low days when we break up. It will pass. Just remember that what he does isn't about you. Eventually the 20/20 hindsight will kick and you'll realize that he wasn't all that anyway as impossibly difficult as it is to believe that right now.

[hopeparis]

Still....keep in mind that when someone wants out, they might not be so good at explaining why or putting things in words. As for the mean stuff, I mean that's usually a tactic to push you away that's not about you, it's actually about them. Kind of mean, kind of cowardly tactic, but still a tactic. Important that you don't take that so personally and take it to heart that you somehow don't mean anything. In general, selfish people tend to be disrespectful. You can't control who he is or how he chooses to act, you can only control how you respond to it (send his sh$t back to him and wash your hands of it). Do your best to understand that what he is doing is pretty much 100% about himself and his own emotions and how he is choosing to deal with things. His choices do not diminish you as a person, doesn't make you less than who you are. You KNOW this. (Go read your other post, it was beautiful and powerful and I think you need to read that again and again right now). We all have these low days when we break up. It will pass. Just remember that what he does isn't about you. Eventually the 20/20 hindsight will kick and you'll realize that he wasn't all that anyway as impossibly difficult as it is to believe that right now.

 

Thank you. I understand what you mean. In the past few weeks, I really managed to see the bright side, and I really believed the words I put on that post (thank you, by the way). I felt strong enough. But today was literally the worst day ever. I keep crying uncontrollably and the pain is physically unbearable. I can barely get out of bed, and when I do get outside, I walk with my arms crossed as if I was protecting this big hole in my chest.

I know rationally that you are right, that I shouldn't take it personally, but his actions still affect me a lot. I mean, if it wasn't personal, why wouldn't he just pick up his stuff and let us both move on? I don't feel like I'm asking a lot... but maybe I am. I'm thinking that maybe he's mad at me, although I don't understand why. This is the 1st time he's done this to me. We broke up once 2 years ago, and we were still cordial, exchanged stuff, and moved on. It's so weird because I'm almost feeling guilty when I know I shouldn't? He's the one with the "bad" behavior and I'm the one feeling bad... I'm just so confused and raw. I'm trying not to focus on him because I know that we cannot control others, and shouldn't, but I can't help to feel bad when I realize that he CHOSE to do this, knowing it would hurt me. He knows me very well and he knows that typically this (ending things well and being graceful when the relationship was important for the both of us) is very important to me. I know he loved me deeply, I know that the limbo we was in was hard on him (he cried multiple times) and it makes it even more difficult for me to understand the fact that he's pushing me away so roughly. I have no desire to reconcile and he knows it. I know he doesn't either. I just wish we would both make an effort to spare everyone's feelings. I feel this is a very harsh way to do it, although I know that it's unfair for me to think that only my way of doing things is the right way.

Maybe I'm wrong to think this way. It just hurts so bad and I don't know how to make it stop

[DancingFool]

It's OK to have a day like this though. It's OK to cry, sob, let it all out. It's a wave of grief and it will pass, I promise you that.

 

That said, it's really really important that you actively try to change your thinking. He is not doing anything to you on purpose. He is doing what he needs to do for himself to move on just like you are trying too. Different approaches. Frankly, when people break up, going no contact is normal and in the end, healthy for both. It's not that you can't be graceful, it's that you both need to heal and he is doing it how it works for him. You've got to keep telling yourself that what he is doing is not a commentary on you or your character, it's simply not about you. Keep repeating that. Don't let the grief wave twist you around.

[hopeparis]

It's OK to have a day like this though. It's OK to cry, sob, let it all out. It's a wave of grief and it will pass, I promise you that.

 

That said, it's really really important that you actively try to change your thinking. He is not doing anything to you on purpose. He is doing what he needs to do for himself to move on just like you are trying too. Different approaches. Frankly, when people break up, going no contact is normal and in the end, healthy for both. It's not that you can't be graceful, it's that you both need to heal and he is doing it how it works for him. You've got to keep telling yourself that what he is doing is not a commentary on you or your character, it's simply not about you. Keep repeating that. Don't let the grief wave twist you around.

 

Thank you. You're right. I needed that. I'm all over the place.

[boltnrun]

Maybe he's actually trying to be nice.

 

Think about it...if he was in communication with you it might give you hope. It might lead you to believe you two have a chance to reconcile. Even if he said something as simple as "Take care" or "Hope you're doing OK", you would spend hours trying to decipher "What did he MEAN????"

 

So he isn't going to say anything at all.

 

Also, as the previous poster said, just because he wasn't feeling the same anymore doesn't mean he feels awesome about hurting you. Unless he's a real awful piece of work, he'll feel some guilt about how it happened. And no one wants to expose themselves to their source of guilt. It seems selfish, but he may need to heal too.

 

Box up his property and send it to him so you can stop trying to communicate with him about it. Then go no contact.

 

And I wish you the best. Hope you start feeling better soon.

[hopeparis]

Maybe he's actually trying to be nice.

 

Think about it...if he was in communication with you it might give you hope. It might lead you to believe you two have a chance to reconcile. Even if he said something as simple as "Take care" or "Hope you're doing OK", you would spend hours trying to decipher "What did he MEAN????"

 

So he isn't going to say anything at all.

 

Also, as the previous poster said, just because he wasn't feeling the same anymore doesn't mean he feels awesome about hurting you. Unless he's a real awful piece of work, he'll feel some guilt about how it happened. And no one wants to expose themselves to their source of guilt. It seems selfish, but he may need to heal too.

 

Box up his property and send it to him so you can stop trying to communicate with him about it. Then go no contact.

 

And I wish you the best. Hope you start feeling better soon.

 

Thank you for your answer. I don't think it's his reason for acting this way since I'm the one who broke up with him and I specifically told him that there we would never get back together after that (since we got back together once). But I think he does feel guilty about the WAY that it all happened, as you said. Having thought about it, it might indeed be his way to heal. I have to be more understanding.

I'm feeling much better today, thank you. I think I was in a very dark place yesterday.

 

I hope now that I can manage to stop thinking about him and playing the memories in my head all over again.

Do you guys have any "tips" to control more efficiently your thoughts? I could use some help.

 

Thank you all for your nice support.