How can I avoid talking about my past with women?

[glitterfingers]

Okay thanks. I am not really ashamed of who I am now so much, but of who I use to be. Not cause I am autistic, but because of the path it lead me down and I made bad decisions, threw away money, didn't do anything to educate myself, and had no social life, and just stayed in my room almost my whole life and didn't do anything leading to a lot of bad memories. My parents say that I blame myself too much cause since I was picked on and beat up a couple of times as a kid, it lead me to not want to get out into the real world or build a good career. But this is very embarrassing to talk about with women cause a guy who has not come out of a shell till he was 28 doesn't ring well with a lot of women, and it's caused me to become angry at myself for not getting over bad experiences, and getting out and bettering myself with a better life and career sooner.

 

I feel very hard behind and it's so hard to catch up in life experiences, career, and education, compared to other men my age.

 

I feel permanently on the backfoot in life because of my disorder, and I have done a huge deal to try and better my position. There are other issues in my past that have held me back too. But it's never too late to make a brighter future. Kind of wondering what flipped the switch for you and helped you decide to turn things around?

 

I'd try and focus a little more energy on yourself and getting yourself into a better position in life, rather than on relationships so much. I know successful, healthy relationships are hugely important and a big part of moving past your difficult experiences, but your feelings about yourself and your place in the world are just as important and something that is much more within your control. Maybe that means going back to get an education, even a shorter course that sets you up in a career that you're truly passionate about (if you haven't already). Do things for yourself that make you feel more accomplished. Maybe you can get in great shape and make that your thing, in addition to finding a job that suits you. I've personally found that ASD helps me in this regard, as I can more easily emotionally detach from food/everyday comforts in order to pursue a goal such as fitness (my bf, undiagnosed but also likely on the spectrum, is similar and has gotten into bodybuilding in the last 12 mths).

 

Use your differences to your advantage. Be smart about it - there are some really wonderful ways you can do this if you put your mind to it. (e.g.) Become an excellent bookkeeper or accountant with your attention to detail, use your social isolation to read/write/create things. Try not to compare yourself to others because they will always have things that you will struggle with, I especially find the people I know who I consider successful are a lot more outgoing and socially uninhibited than I am and that's a big part of their image of success (also more aware of how to appeal to other people because of their 'social-emotional intelligence'). But you can find ways to be brilliant that fit within your understanding of yourself. Your past, while painful, is full of lessons that you can use to make the future better.

[ironpony]

I am not sure what flipped the switch. It just flipped for some reason, and flipped really hard.

 

For the last few years I have been trying to make back up for my past mistakes. For example, one of my regrets was not getting better jobs and making more money and I have been trying to work and work at it, to the point where the past few years I pretty much only get four to five hours of sleep a night.

 

I decided I want to be a movie director and producer, since I came to realize I like filmmaking so much, but everyone is telling me to slow down, and that I am throwing too much money into it, and risking too much, and that I have no experience, and will fail. Which is true, but I am so desperate to get a good future going that I don't know what else to do to make up for lost time. I also quit my last job, out of principle of wanting a better future, even though it pays the bills and I was told not too.

 

I've also taken up martial arts but keeping pushing myself for not taking it up before when I could have learned so much now, and I also beat myself up for not learning music, but haven't made time for that cause everything else I am trying to catch up on is taking up so much time.

 

But I guess I am kind of going off point here.

[ironpony]

To be honest I am thinking maybe I should somehow try to psychologically flip the switch back cause then maybe I won't be so upset and disappointed about how I turned out. I thought that life was a joke before, and decided to treat it as one and not take it seriously, and have fun... but feel like telling myself that again to try to be content. But if I tell women that, will they see a point in that, or will most be turned off?

[glitterfingers]

I think there is a balance to be struck in all honesty. On the one hand, you should have your passions in life and your career to work on - and I have to stress, some of the best advice I've ever been given is that these need not be the same thing. You can have both a stable career and a passion that you work on outside of that, which may eventually turn into a financially rewarding pursuit given enough time. I think the key to consider here is practicality and long term viability. So, by no means give up on what you are doing (people often give up on things just before they actually hit a breakthrough - it takes time!). But do consider trying to find a balance... part-time job and part-time film-producing maybe? See how you go

 

On the other hand, when life has dealt you a sh*tty hand, the only thing you can really do is try to take it a little less seriously. I am very much like this. There are some things which I take very seriously - my writing, my finances, my relationships with certain people. But the rest of it sort of melts away... What does it matter if I spent all day today in my pyjamas, so long as my mental health is intact? I make sure to read/watch plenty of comedy too (Louis CK is the best if you have Netflix, especially the 2017 show that's just come out). I use this as a way to remind myself that there's more to life than the current stresses, that life is finite and we're meant to try and enjoy it as much as possible. It's definitely a balancing act.

 

The main thing though, is that you have to stop beating yourself up and comparing yourself to others. I know people tend to do this as a way to motivate themselves, but it becomes counter productive once it gets past the stage of being, "Damn it, I wish I'd done things a bit differently". Seriously, there are SO many things in life you haven't, can't and won't ever get a chance to do! If you focus on all of them you'll go nuts. You ever going to get up on stage and play violin to a crowd of thousands of people? Sit on a cliff in a remote part of Europe and paint a picture? I mean maybe, but there are way too many experiences in life to be had, no single person can ever do it all. You can't be a master at everything! You just do the best with what you have now, and make sure you put your mental/emotional health first because those are the things that will hold you back if they go downhill

 

I think women like men who have the balance described above you have the things you take seriously, but you have to know how to relax and joke around once you've given your best for the day/week. The kind of person you want to be with is someone who is happy to be involved in and to hear about your passions, as we on the spectrum tend to talk about these a lot. So someone with a similar outlook or similar interests is probably going to be the best for you

[ironpony]

Okay thanks.

 

It's just I feel so old for wanting to take off on a career. I am actually planning on shooting a feature film and pouring all my money into and funds, in order to get the movie out there and hopefully get a career started after. I just don't have time to take baby steps at it like every says too, cause if I did that, I would be 40 by the time I wanted to get it started as a career.

 

So I am throwing it all into the pot now, cause I can't stand not having anything to be proud of anymore. But I dunno, maybe I'm crazy... But ironically, in the dating scene, some women are impressed by this decision, and are turned on by the audacity of it.

[glitterfingers]

Okay thanks.

 

It's just I feel so old for wanting to take off on a career. I am actually planning on shooting a feature film and pouring all my money into and funds, in order to get the movie out there and hopefully get a career started after. I just don't have time to take baby steps at it like every says too, cause if I did that, I would be 40 by the time I wanted to get it started as a career.

 

So I am throwing it all into the pot now, cause I can't stand not having anything to be proud of anymore. But I dunno, maybe I'm crazy... But ironically, in the dating scene, some women are impressed by this decision, and are turned on by the audacity of it.

 

See, you have a bit more courage and confidence than you let on! Seems like part of this issue is self-doubt and that you need a little more support and encouragement in your life. Sometimes if we're willing to reach out to friends/family they will in fact provide this, but they don't know that we need them until we show that we're vulnerable (which is hard, I know)

 

I'm 26 and still doing undergraduate study. Some people are just late bloomers, and plenty of successful individuals have been that way. We can't all be born with a silver spoon in our mouths. But I will say, there probably is a happy middle ground between "baby steps" and pouring all your money into a project - please just be careful and have a plan B incase it doesn't work out

 

Also, make sure you network

[ironpony]

But that's just it though. A lot of people think I have too much confidence, to the point where I am diving head first into trouble and throwing my money and career away and that I take too many risks with it, out of desperation to make up for the past, instead of choosing to live with it.

[glitterfingers]

Hope this doesn't offend you with the bluntness of it, but are you on medication by any chance? Antidepressants? When I started taking them a few years back, my confidence skyrocketed and I made a lot of reckless financial decisions - nothing too bad, just prioritising my comfort over rent/bills. I found that the antidepressants blocked me from using my anxiety/OCD-type-analysis as a kind of compass for decision-making and thinking through the long-term consequences of my actions. Is this possibly something you could relate to at all?

 

If not, what's your genuine assessment of other people's concerns about you?

[ironpony]

No I am not offended. I don't take medication but the way things are going sometimes I think maybe I should.

 

My brother suffers from autism and he went on medication and he did the same thing. His confidence skyrocketed and he made some bad decisions. I feel that my decisions are made out of desperation though, since I'm not on medication. I feel that other people are concerned, in the sense that I am trying to make up for my mistakes, but they feel that I am taking too many financial risks, and working too hard to make money, in order to make up for those mistakes.

[glitterfingers]

Generally doctors will urge you to combine both meds and counselling, as medication alone isn't necessarily going to be effective at resolving problems - it only alters mood. You'd likely benefit from finding a specialist in adult ASD. I was seeing a therapist for a while and he was acutely aware of and ready to work on any issues that didn't pertain to mood but which I still needed counselling on - lifestyle decisions, navigating a few specific relationship issues etc. I call it 'practical advice'. You could see someone infrequently (just when you need it). I find it immensely helpful because they can direct you towards resources to make more informed decisions, and it gives you an outlet for the issues which you likely spend a great deal of your time ruminating on. OCD-style thought patterns in this sense are apparently common to ASD, I believe they are associated with RRBI/restrictive-repetitive behaviours & interests - although they're also common to anxiety

 

Do you think people's concerns about your current circumstances may be valid?

I like to use my 'inflexibility' and intensity of focus to my advantage as much as possible, but it can be problematic if it prevents you from having a plan B. Not to mention that your mood/mental state in all of this is a highly, highly relevant factor

[ironpony]

Generally doctors will urge you to combine both meds and counselling, as medication alone isn't necessarily going to be effective at resolving problems - it only alters mood. You'd likely benefit from finding a specialist in adult ASD. I was seeing a therapist for a while and he was acutely aware of and ready to work on any issues that didn't pertain to mood but which I still needed counselling on - lifestyle decisions, navigating a few specific relationship issues etc. I call it 'practical advice'. You could see someone infrequently (just when you need it). I find it immensely helpful because they can direct you towards resources to make more informed decisions, and it gives you an outlet for the issues which you likely spend a great deal of your time ruminating on. OCD-style thought patterns in this sense are apparently common to ASD, I believe they are associated with RRBI/restrictive-repetitive behaviours & interests - although they're also common to anxiety

 

Do you think people's concerns about your current circumstances may be valid?

I like to use my 'inflexibility' and intensity of focus to my advantage as much as possible, but it can be problematic if it prevents you from having a plan B. Not to mention that your mood/mental state in all of this is a highly, highly relevant factor

 

I went to see a psychotherapist for six sessions a few years ago, but it's expensive and the more money I spend on it, the worse I feel cause since I have made so many mistakes with money, I feel like I am now paying for it even more if I pay a therapist. So it makes me feel worse.

 

I think people's concerns are valid, but at the same time, they seem to think the solution to my problem is obvious, and they are not in my shoes at all, so I feel maybe it takes one to know one, and they wouldn't do the same things that they suggest, if they were truly in my position.

[glitterfingers]

I went to see a psychotherapist for six sessions a few years ago, but it's expensive and the more money I spend on it, the worse I feel cause since I have made so many mistakes with money, I feel like I am now paying for it even more if I pay a therapist. So it makes me feel worse.

 

I think people's concerns are valid, but at the same time, they seem to think the solution to my problem is obvious, and they are not in my shoes at all, so I feel maybe it takes one to know one, and they wouldn't do the same things that they suggest, if they were truly in my position.

 

In other words, other people seem to be more accepting/forgiving of your past mistakes than you are. I think that's interesting, since you seem to feel that you have to put everything on the line in order to be more worthy in other people's eyes (women, e.g.)...really this is more to do with how you see yourself and compare yourself to others, not how they see you.

[ironpony]

Yeah perhaps, but I want to get a good career and life going as well. I don't think they think that I did much with myself. But they think I should be okay with that. And I still got a headful of bad memories, that I am trying to make good memories to put on top of, but I feel that people are trying to tell me to slow down on that as well.

[glitterfingers]

I think most people understand what it's like to be motivated (at least in part) by shame and insecurity. Nobody would truly wish that upon another person, yet it's something that most of us take upon ourselves at one time or another. You need not take it as a threat to your forward progress - if anything, they may be trying to empathise with you.

[ironpony]

Well I just feel that everyone is against my decisions and are trying to talk me out of it. One person even said that I am so desperate that I am mentally ill and I need help. So when I hear things like that, I get really worried.