Is there a possibility of getting back together?

[Zachychan]

Hello, I'm new to this site and have been looking around the entire internet trying to find a situation similar to mine to see if there is hope for me and my ex to get back together, but I haven't found any situations like mine so I thought I would share. I feel as if there is hope because of the circumstances that I will explain later but I'm curious as to what others have to say because my hope comes and goes.

 

Just a few facts about me and her to put things in perspective. I'm 21 and she is 1.5 years younger than me, but are separated by 2 years within the schooling system. We both go to the same university and work at the same place. Our hometowns are about 30 minutes apart, which is the next town over because we live in a rural part of the country.

 

To start, we met at work when we both got hired in different departments of a retail store last July. We really didn't start talking consistently at work until probably late August. We didn't work much together up until that point and since we didn't work in the same departments, we didn't interact too much. Anyways, we slowly became friends at work but nothing really more than that because I was crushing on someone else and she was still in a relationship with a guy she ended up dating for 3 years.

 

Then in late August/early September, she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. He didn't want to visit her in college (its is only a 1 hour drive from his house) and he ended up cheating on her at the very end. All around bad dude and although she was heartbroken, she knew it was the right decision. She started talking to another guy at the retail store a few weeks later but nothing serious came of it because those two were not compatible. While those two were talking, I stopped talking to the other girl I was crushing on at the time because I realized we were not compatible. Also around this time, I was on the bus coming back from class and I saw her walking along the sidewalk on campus.

 

This surprised me because I didn't know she went to the same school as me and the next time I saw her at work, I asked if she went to my university and we started talking more and more in the coming weeks. She ended up living in the dorms directly next to my apartment complex on campus. One day I was returning from the store and she was coming back from work in early October (she had to park her car about 0.5 miles away and walked by my apartment complex to get to her dorm) and we crossed paths. We talked in front of my apartment for nearly 2 hours that night and exchanged numbers and snapchat info, ect. When I was about to leave I mentioned that I needed to go attempt to print a paper but my printer sucked and it would take me like 30 minutes to get it to finally print. She invited me up to her dorm to use her printer and we talked the rest of the night. I arrived at her dorm around 7 pm and didn't leave until 1 am and all we did was talk about life and get to know each other. At this point, we both knew something great was brewing. We snapped each other 24/7 for the next 2-3 weeks and we would hang out at each other's places nearly every chance we got. By Halloween, it was obvious we were going to get together but she wanted to wait because she felt it was too soon since she just broke up with her BF of 3 years about 2 months ago. I was fine with that because I knew we would get together and she was worth the wait. We ended up getting together a week later on November 7th, 2016.

 

Our relationship was great. We both clearly loved each other and were great for each other. We only argued twice in the entire 7.5 month relationship and both times we made up within an hour and things were fine the next day. I don't believe we avoided confrontation either. We honestly didn't have many issues with each other. We constantly told each other how much we loved each other, how cute we thought each other were, and multiple times discussed how we thought we would be together forever. We went on vacation together just last month and it was great. We were even discussing possible vacations to go on next summer even last week. We had a lot of fun together and so many great memories and really the only bad memories being this breakup.

 

So the past month or so was when things started feeling off between us. We both felt it but neither of us knew what was going on. There were no arguments, no cheating, nothing that really set it off other than distance and a lack of time IMO. I am still up at my university completing an internship I need to graduate and I'm working nearly 40-50 hours a week for the internship then another 10-20 for my actual job. She is back at home (an hour away) and is working about 20-30 hours a week. We rarely had time to see each other and when we did, it was at her grandma's house around her family and was only for a few hours before I had to go back to my university. We didn't go out and do much anymore and I take responsibility for that. I should have continued to treat her like queen even if I had limited time. I could tell she was upset on Saturday and when I asked if we were okay, she instantly got teary-eyed and told me things like "I don't see a future with you anymore" and "Idk what is wrong with me. I'm not excited about anything anymore" and the one that hurt me the most "I think there is someone else out there that is better for you than I am" which I disagree with 100000% because I think she is the one. I've never met someone as amazing as her and I doubt I ever will because she is so perfect for me for many reasons.

 

Saturday night, we decided that we should give each other some space but that didn't last long because she snapped me 2 hours after I left her house. She snapped me Sunday morning and we talked for a little bit before the conversation turned back to our relationship and she ended up breaking up with me. I drove an hour down to her house to try to talk things about and while it didn't change her mind, she was appreciative of my understanding and love for her. She didn't think I'd be so understanding and respect her decision as much as I did. We left on good terms and while she didn't say anything about getting back together in the future, she said multiple times that this isn't the end of us, just the end of chapter 1 of our book.

 

Her explanation was that things felt off and she didn't see a future with me anymore. When I asked why, she didn't really know, and I truly believe her because I don't know why things felt off either. I think the fact that I am gone a lot of the time made things tough on her because we were together nearly 24/7 the previous 6 months. Another factor that played into the breakup was the BF of 3 years contacted her Friday night, 2 days before we broke up. They didn't talk about much but she told me that she still thinks about him from time to time and she feels as if she is leading me on, which I never felt that way because she was with me and she isn't going to get back together with him (and I believe her). Also, I feel as if everyone thinks about their ex from time to time, especially within the first year or two of your two breaking up. She wants to take time apart and figure her life out. She has been stressed out and distancing herself from almost everyone in her life. I wish I could help her but she doesn't want help right now so I am leaving her alone and trying to use the No Contact rule for as long as I can (which will probably only be about 3 weeks because I have to move out of this apartment in 3 weeks and she still has a decent amount of things still here).

 

In August, we will be living in the same apartment complex as each other (not living together, but will be neighbors like we were this past year) and will have more free time to spend together, along with other events like football and basketball games starting up again, which is something we both love to attend together. I feel as if there is a real possibility of getting back together but I was curious what everyone else thinks about this situation. I have been taking it pretty tough because this breakup blindsided me but I'm using this time apart to better myself (I think I understand why things felt off between us that I wouldn't have figured out if we were still together) and hopefully if/when she gives me another opportunity I'll be better prepared. If she doesn't give me another chance, I'll be a better person for the next girl.

 

Any tips or comments?

[fireflies]

I don't want to rub salt in your wounds but I don't think there's a good chance of this relationship rekindling. When someone says to you "I think there is someone else out there that is better for you than I am," confesses to thinking about her boyfriend of three years from time to time, and says "I don't want to lead you on..." she's not expressing a lack of confidence in their ability to make you happy. She's really saying "I think there is someone else out there that is better for me."

 

She feels bad because there really isn't a good reason for letting you go, but deep down she knows your relationship isn't fulfilling some fundamental need(s) she has.

 

So what should you do? NC. Give her the time she needs to heal from her ex. Give yourself time to heal from her. If she was mistaken, she knows where to find you.

[FLWriter]

I totally agree with fireflies, I'm so sorry for your story.

[Rustysuit]

2 months after a 3 year relationship is too soon to start dating again. You probably had a real connection, but this was very bad timing.

She seems she's having doubts and she's letting you down easily saying those things.

 

I'd say keep your hopes to a minimum, go NC, better yourself and if the chance arrives and you still want her, you present yourself a better man. It's good you left on good terms and without drama. That leaves the door open to reconciliation, but as I said...don't expect it. Focus on yourself for now.

[Zachychan]

I'm back to give an update to the situation. It has been 2.5 months since our breakup and some stuff has changed, but we still are not back together. She ended up getting back together with her ex, which I expected to happen. I mean, that is the reason she broke up with me, I was just in denial about it. However, things between them have not been great like she expected. My ex's sister (and everyone else around her for that matter, even her family from another state that I never met likes me more than her current bf lol tells you a lot about this guy) wants me to get back together with her so she is constantly telling me things about her new relationship. Well, whatever they find out because my ex doesn't talk about her new relationship very much because she knows everyone around her hates the guy she's currently with. I have not contacted my ex outside of work in 2 months and even at work, I keep it strictly business, and even then I still avoid her as much possible so I don't look needy, like I was the first week or so after we broke up.

 

Anyways, within a few weeks of them getting back together he was bragging to his friends about how he was going behind her back to hang out and party with other girls. I don't believe she knows about this because her sister and cousin (the people who found out about it) know she won't listen/believe them. Also, he convinced my ex that he has changed, but I know a guy who works with him and he says he hasn't changed at all, if anything he is even worse for her now than he was when they first dated. Now that she is back in school and an hour away from him all week, it appears that their relationship has reverted back to their old issues. When they first got back together, she was really happy and you could see it on her face. I mean, he is her first love and she spent 3 years trying to make things work but it didn't. Now she is getting another chance. But now, she looks depressed and I have overheard two conversations between her and her boss while at work in which it sounds like she is complaining about her current bf. In both cases, I didn't hear what she said but I heard her boss say things along the lines of "You can't change him. He will always act like this." and "He has hurt you before, he will hurt you again." This, along with her sister telling me she seems unhappy, tells me that she is having issues with her new bf and it is just a matter of time before things crumble between them (again).

 

I have been working on myself and I finally feel normal again. I've talked to other girls but none of them really stuck. I still think about her all the time but it isn't getting me emotional or forcing me to miss out on things anymore. Now that my internship is finally over, I'm going to focus on lifting and getting my body better. I will be fine without her but I still think she could be the one based on how great our relationship was and now that we have spent some time apart, I've been able to reflect on what went wrong and how we could be better the next time around. I've stayed very disciplined by not contacting her or adding her on social media, but I'll admit that it has been very difficult because I can see that she is not happy and I know I can make her happy. Her family says that when we were together, that was the happiest they have ever seen her. How would you guys handle this situation?

[shessofly]

I think what went wrong is that she was never over her ex when she jumped in with you. You never had a fair chance because her heart was still attached to him. So, let's say she broke up with him tomorrow - she still would need a significant amount of time to work through detaching from her ex and would not be girlfriend material for quite some time. Take yourself for example: You dated for about 7 months and 2 1/2 months out you are still pining for her (not meant to be an insult); now imagine if you had been together for 3 years? How much more time would you need? More than 2 months for sure.. Two months and some change from the breakup of a 3 year relationship she jumped in with you. She was never over him and in a roundabout way she admitted to that when she broke up with you.

 

For you, I think you need to put some space between yourself and her sister/family. I do not think continual updates are healthy for you, nor is it a good idea to bank on what her family wants for her in terms of getting back together. For some reason you decided to take on lot of blame for the breakup. Yes you were busy (overworked/overextended), yes there was a little distance but ultimately she left you because she still wanted her ex.

 

I think you are doing remarkably well for someone who has stayed in the know about the details of her life, and that with a good amount of distance from the sister/family/social media 'creeping' you could get completely over her and free your own heart for someone who is emotionally available.

 

I know that is not the advice you were looking for. I'm sure someone else will chime in with a different view. If/when this girl breaks up with this guy she still will not be ready to date any time soon; you should not wait in the wings for her return (at this point you don't even know that she would decide to come back even if they split). You sound like you have a lot going for you. Free yourself for a lady who is not hung up on her ex I know it sucks. Sorry you got caught up in her mess. I'm sure she thought she was ready, but alas, she was not.

[ginaloribic]

That's a harsh but fair reply shessofly.

 

I think the best idea is to stay away from the continued updates about her and her current relationship. Hearing about it clearly isn't helping you. Her family, sister or whoever can want you to be with her as much as they want, it's her who decides if this is the case. It does sound as though she wasn't fully available to you emotionally when you both started dating. I was in a similar situation myself, torn between two women years ago. One I wanted, but couldn't have, the other who was besotted with me, so I went along with it for a while. Looking back, that was grossly unfair of me.

 

Try to move on and grow yourself a little. You're still young, try and enjoy yourself for a while without the pretense of looking to get into any sort of relationship. Then, if something happens with whoever, then it happens & might turn out to be the best thing ever.