It's Happening Again

[Easytobehard]

Well I'm not going to call to tell her so I'll just reciprocate her text. Clearly she's averse to calls! She apologized for doing it over text so she knows it was off. Anyway, the rest of the message was similarly toned to how you suggested and it's been sent anyway so now I commence no contact.

 

Hi, I just missed saying any of this where it might matter, as you've sent the text, but I'm new here and read this thread and had some thoughts. I felt I related to you and her in various times, maybe some of my insight will help...My main points/thoughts are as follows:

It's fascinating to hear your breakdown of what you eventually texted. I read the emotion in some various iterations and related to wanting to be "snarky" as well as genuine and open...and then reading what you actually wrote, from the perspective of being a woman and getting that from a guy not having any idea of the rest/meaning behind it... I would not have guessed there was any emotion behind it! Haha. I'm amazed. I would think "oh god he hates me" (yes my own issue/pattern and who knows what she thinks...) just saying...well, thanks, in a way, for teaching me that sometimes men feel way more than they ever let on. Or, at least, over think as much as I do, heheh. That being said, it makes sense to try and pare down all those emotions because then otherwise you are getting possibly roped back into emotional involvement with her, AKA, even though you are both saying one thing, your actions are more intimate and continuing dialogue...it's tough!! which leads me to my other point.

 

: I think it's fascinating what she wrote in her long text and relate a LOT so I thought I'd chime in. First, I think it's important not just to see words but the behavior of the text. That is, "tone" (if there ever is tone, ugh, half the problems people have these days I think is due to text miscommunication). In her case she was being clear about not wanting to move forward, but so much of that text was also born from what sounds like a desire to have you still like her/not think she's terrible...or reassure her (unconsciously). And/or the pressure or desire to also be available, take care of your feelings, be present for you even as she's literally trying to close the door and show a boundary at the same time...so, phew! Ya...that's confusing. And also I'm sure because she genuinely did feel good with you and didn't want to hurt you, either. Not saying any of this changes the ultimate choice to distance yourself and take her at her word, it's just my little insight. I've done this with men when I was younger (or not so young, ahem) when I'm really attracted to them but overwhelmed by my fears or lack of feeling in control. Or also in some weird dynamic with an ex/old unhealthy relationship. Or when he starts to do something that I didn't like and I freak out that I got too involved but still also like him and don't want to hurt his feelings...but I also feel like maybe I'm crazy and wrong and he's great, and I'm picky....etc etc. Fortunately I'm not quite as clueless now as to WHY I do those things...but I'm here to tell you I know it's baffling and I'm just sorry for what sounds like a rough and confusing emotional experience! And I suppose I rambled to also say that it doesn't mean really any one thing, probably...and that's what can be so hard (as I also relate to you in this case). You want to know the person, you don't want to mess up, you think you're doing something right or wrong...really, it's just two people who have chemistry and then got caught in their own whirlwind. What matters is kindness, I think - still being kind with one another when you are hurting is a nice sign for you both, even if it doesn't "end up" anywhere (and it's good for the world, too...there is so much BS out there...) and also what matters is that really neither one of you is doing anything wrong, it seems to me, just doing their best.people can be hurtful and get hurt so easily just blundering in this life because we are all kind of like babies when it comes to emotional stuff haha. I mean... so much stuff triggers from youth and family etc. So it's great you are in counseling for yourself, taking distance when you need it...and here's a reminder, something my aunt once said that I hold close to my heart and mind when I feel scared and utterly bewildered about my actions and their affect on others: "with the right person, you can't mess it up". Maybe, like someone said, a "passionate" woman who pushes and pulls doesn't bother you. I know men who hate it and call women crazy just because it's not for them. I know women who call men needy or get embarrassed when they show vulnerability or give gifts etc. which I think is pretty great! Yea, boundaries are important. But your gesture was thoughtful.She has other things going on as well emotionally if that was some kind of deal breaker... things you have nothing to do with. And my point is, with the right person, all these things will be just a part of your story, and/or they won't drive someone away. Not saying it will be flawless just that we are all humans with many emotions and reactions and thought processes... nothing wrong with doing your best and assuming (hopefully!) that the other person is doing the same and if it works it will work and if not, it's good to learn from it, but not to beat yourself up as though you could have done something differently to make it "go better". Certain types attract each other and work things out often by doing so. So, I'm sorry this is so long winded, but as I said, I related... and this is my way of simply saying, ya, she probably doesn't know what she wants and that's not your fault. It can be sad to meet wonderful people at "bad timing". And perhaps part of her attraction is that she seemed/seems a bit unavailable. Good luck with counseling and keep being as genuine as you can! It's far too true that reading online dating advice is a sure way to get far away from your true source, the part of you that will help you connect to who you are and what you really need. (Easy for me to say!)

 

Blessings!

[Goodfellas]

Easytobehard: thank you 👏🏻

 

I'd like to continue this in private message but I can't direct message you (maybe because you're so new here?) Message me if you can as I'd like to discuss this more.

 

Thank you for your thorough reply; I appreciate your insight.

 

I've done this with men when I was younger (or not so young, ahem) when I'm really attracted to them but overwhelmed by my fears or lack of feeling in control. Or also in some weird dynamic with an ex/old unhealthy relationship. Or when he starts to do something that I didn't like and I freak out that I got too involved but still also like him and don't want to hurt his feelings...but I also feel like maybe I'm crazy and wrong and he's great, and I'm picky....etc etc. Fortunately I'm not quite as clueless now as to WHY I do those things...but I'm here to tell you I know it's baffling and I'm just sorry for what sounds like a rough and confusing emotional experience!

 

I especially thank you for that bit. Also, I think your analysis of her confusion and not closing the door/wanting to be liked is spot on. I choose to believe that because it's the likeliest explanation AND it protects my ego from "she lost interest" or "she was with someone else" reasons.