Are We Breaking Up or Is A Break Helping Her?

[CybereXtremer]

About a year ago I ran into an old friend while on business. We decided to get together over lunch and catch up. I learned that she now had four kids all with the same father. They were never married and they were always fighting. She eventually threw him out of the house.

 

We had lunch several times over the next couple months and had a great time seeing each other. We went to a concert, but we were still just friends trying to see where each other was at. We went out after the concert and chatted for several hours, but we were still just friends.

 

She had a car accident and was OK, but it prompted her to send me an email asking me if I was interested in her since she had developed feelings for me. She later told me that I was the first thing she thought of after the accident. We went to a halloween party together where we had our first kiss. Everything started rolling after that.

 

After Thanksgiving I started spending the night a couple times a week. Her kids were having a great time with me since their father never cared for any of them. We had several conversations regarding the kids. She was going to get the father to sign off on them since he was a deadbeat. She even asked me if I would adopt them. After about 5 months of a great relationship things got weird. She told me she didn't know where she was right now with things and so on.

 

So, I decided to make a surprise visit to drop off Easter stuff for the kids and noticed she had company. I left because I didn't want to intrude, but I wasn't sure who was there. I talked to her the next day and she told me it was the father who was there. He was going to watch the kids over Easter break because the oldest child didn't want to go to daycare. The father of the kids was staying with his uncle at the time. The uncle had a heart-attack while he was watching the kids, so the family shunned him. Now he is staying there because he doesn't have anyplace to live. She says nothing is going on. She knows he is only acting nice to the kids to try and get back with her.

 

We have communicated very little over the past 3 weeks, but she is seeing a counselor. She was anxous to meet me for lunch one day to discuss things, but cancelled because she got an appointment with a counselor. She dropped off a belated Easter basket full of treats at my house with a note. The note said she loved me and I was great and that with time she would work through this.

 

My question is what should I do and what is going on because of the lack of communciation between us. Is our relationship over or does she need time to get her life in order?

[Sn0man]

Sounds like she just needs some time to get things together. If she wrote you that note saying she loves you, she's obviously still into you and wants to go further. But she has to think of what's best for the kids too. Sounds like the father isn't the best choice, so sit back and relax, and keep the ball rolling with this girl because it will probably work out later on.

[CybereXtremer]

Should I be worried that she has taken him back before. She is a very caring person and has a hard time saying no. She would tell me that he calls and leaves messages all the time. She asked me to listen to one of the messages and sad how pathetic it was. When he calls he asks to talk to the kids only to get to her. He has even threatened to commit suicide. He says thinngs like I can't live without you and then cries on these messages. Is this some type of mental abuse which she caves in for. Should I just wait for her to contact me when she is ready?

[detox5]

ive heard of these situations a few times, ppl using the kids as a means to talk to their ex's or what have you.

but dude you shouldnt even think that he is a threat, hes a loser right? yes.

I know when my breakup occurred, i really hated the lack of communcation, it drove me mad, but bite your lip and just let her come to you.

 

She needs her time, i cant express this to you enuogh, if you want her back, dont do my mistake and keep chasing when they are having a hard time.

[CybereXtremer]

Here is the note she left verbatim in the Easter basket she delivered to my house.

 

XXX -

 

Belated Happy Easter to You!!!

 

Love

The Rabbit

 

P.S. - You are, without a doubt, the most special and valuable person I've ever been fortunate enough to share time with. I'm very sorry and saddened that things aren't the way I'd like them to be right now, but I'm confident that with time I'll work through this process. I wish you endless happiness - thanks so much for you.

 

 

What is the interpretation of this note. She hasn't said anything about breaking up, but she is seeing a counselor. This is the most contact we have had in about 10 days. Should I continue to NC or should I try and find out what the heck is going on? It would be nice to know what women are thinking.

[CybereXtremer]

Update! I spoke with her today. We chatted about things going on in our lives. She has a new opportunity to teach a class once a week in the evening, but the Ex will be watching the children. He is still living at her house. I didn't want to ask the big question on the phone "Are we still together?" I wanted to meet in person to discuss our situation. It will be two weeks before I get to see and talk to her. She said she needed to get ready to teach the class which is why she moved the date back so far. She said she has been wanting to call, but it is so hard with the kids around. So, is she buying more time to see the counselor or is she waiting to see how her Ex is doing and whether she is going to take him back again? Is this the typical "have your cake and eat it syndrome?" Some female perspective on this would be appreciated.

[CybereXtremer]

Why does she want to wait 2 weeks to meet and discuss our relationship? It is like being on deathrow. Any insight into this matter would be greatly appreciated.

[detox5]

well i think that her saying she wants to wait 2 weeks, is she thinks its not nice keeping u on hold maybe? so she trys to give u a dead line, and she hopes she will be ok by then?

 

Sounds like she has her issues, i would support her and do the best thing for her right now, try to not let ur emotions get involved, give her space man, space!

[CybereXtremer]

Well, I've given her space. It's tough going without any contact especially when she is the one who is doing the NC. I would like to know if she is still seeing the counselor. She has a lot of baggage, but I never complained. I accepted her for who she is because she is just a great person. She always told me that it wasn't fair because I did all the sacrificing, but I always told her that what you do for love. Besides, it is easier for me to do the taveling since I don't have 4 kids to be responsible for. Also, she told me she has never had a relationship like the one we have. She has always been in an abuseful type relationship and you know what that means. They don't what to do in a normal, healthy relationship. I think if she was over her Ex who is staying there she would just drop him off at his parents or give him a date to be out by. Her nature is to always help people and I think he is taking advantage of it and trying to worm his way back in like he has done in the past. Also, I think she uses her career as a crutch to escape reality. I think she has a depression issue and withdrawls to her sanctuary of home and kids. I am going nuts, but I appreciate all the support I have received from others in this forum.

[CybereXtremer]

Here is some background into the what might be happening. She seemed to change a little after she had been on the Atkins diet for a couple of weeks. Not that she really needed to lose weight in my opinion, but she wanted to get back to where she was prior to having her first kid. She told me that she had always had migraine headaches every since she was a kid, but she never wanted to bother telling me when she would get these headaches. She would take a bunch of Excederin to make them go away. I told her one day she shouldn't take more than what is prescribed on the bottle. She also told me that she might be bi-polar or ADD. Before she went back on the Atkins diet everything was great. I did a little research and found out the Atkins might cause depression or mood swings due to the lack of carbs. Certain carbs are responsible for producing ceratonin which controls your mood. So, is this another possibility for what is happening? I am at a loss, but I appreciate any help you can provide on my situation.

[CybereXtremer]

Well, another day in the books with NC. The count down to doomsday continues. Dwelling on the fact of not knowing whether our relationship is over or she is just trying to get her life in order is frustrating. As the days go by it seems as if it will be harder to discuss matters, because I don't know where she stands. It gives me a queasy feeling in my stomach thinking about all this. These feelings could be a great way for people to lose weight. It is so difficult to control the emotions when it comes to dealing with someone you love. I was wondering if other people feel like this? It is almost like being on death row and waiting for the walk to the execution chamber.

[CybereXtremer]

Today marks the 6 month anniversary of a significant moment in our relationship. We are both very sentimental about moments in our relationship. Last month she sent me an email reminging me the moment occurred 5 months ago and added the following to the bottom of the email. "You are even more special than I realized back in H-bomb October. Lucky, lucky me." Should I send her something today reminding her or should I just continue the NC?

[CybereXtremer]

Well, I'm disappointed I didn't get any opinions from anybody on this site. As of right now I have continued NC, but am wondering if a reminder wouldn't be beneficial prior to our meeting next week. Looking for opinions before the end of the day? Thanks

[CybereXtremer]

Do you think she is going to get back with the father of her kids since he is still satying with her? I trust what she has told me about nothing going on between them and that she is seeing a counselor. The lack of communication between us or the lack of her trying to let me know what is going on is driving me crazy. Ladies, what do you think is happening? Should I continue to N/C and wait until she contacts me next week? Does anybody have an opinion on my situation. Thanks in advance.

[CybereXtremer]

Has anybody ever dated somebody who went to therapy? If so, how long does it normally take for them to make progress? We haven't seen each other in a month and we have only spoken a few times within that time period. So, I'm giving her space in dealing with her issues, but this lack of contact and not knowing what is going on is driving me crazy. How has everyone else dealt with these issues. Any insight into this matter would be greatly appreciated

[detox5]

I think I will be your angel and lend an ear, since no one else can be bothered. first off dude just stop the questions, stop right now, you will drive urself mad, im not gonna answer none, i asked myself lots of questions, and i just started to f all deep, and its taken me soo long to get back to the person i am, i still have alot of work todo, but dude try and get your head together, it REALLY is important, even important then her and ur relationship, cause in effect, it DOES affect it later.

[CybereXtremer]

detox, thanks for the support. Talking with friends and writing my thoughts in this forum has helped me a lot in the past few weeks. I've started moving on due to the lack of respect. I'm going out and doing things like I used to before we started going out. I'm just waiting for the finality of the situation to happen next week. I've concluded that things are over and she has probably just been stringing me along. I just wish people could be more mature and stop playing high school games. All I need is to get my stuff back and it's on to bigger and better things.

[RayKay]

Again, good attitude.

 

Finding out that she has kids, and father of kids is staying with her kind of makes me think other things now too....do you know if the father has asked her ever to try and make another go of it? Do you know if the therapy is for her only, or for THEM?

 

I still think you are being very strong about all of this and moving on as if it "is" over is a good choice right now...that way if she comes back its a bonus and you are in position to decide whether it is right, but if she does not, then you are already well on way to healing.