Coping with my parents being dead, suicide and terrible heartache

[carriebeth]

I was three when my dad passed away. My mom never really "recovered". She had major depression her entire life. There were times when her health was extremely poor, and this was all very hard for me. She was my rock, seeing her ill made me feel so powerless.

 

She passed 2 years ago, in 2015. I still don't know that I have fully accepted it. The pain is daily and sometimes makes me breakdown and sob. The first person I called after she died was an ex boyfriend of mine who I still loved. We ended up getting back together, he talked to me almost every day to make sure I was ok. I opened up to him, I began to trust him.

 

The timing was terrible. He lost his business and ended up moving to a different state but we still talked for hours each day. He at one point told me he thought we could build a life together, with the potential to become very serious. Hearing this made my heart so happy. I had loved him for a long time, about 5 years now and we had many failed attempts at building a lasting relationship, so when he said this it was as if everything I had been hoping for finally had come to fruition. The problem, is that his actions didn't match what he told me and I ended up telling him that he just didn't seem to want me the way he said he did.

 

He broke up with me. Via text. We didn't speak for about 6 months.

 

A week after the breakup a friend of mine passed away unexpectedly in a car accident. I was beyond devastated. It was so much death all at once. It made me realize how short this life can be. Then I did something so incredibly stupid I can barely accept it. I went back to him. AGAIN after all the empty promises and heartache (because I still loved him). He was so happy I came back, he told me he felt terrible for the way he ended things before and we agreed to get back together. I told him if he left me again it would destroy me, so I didn't want to move forward unless he REALLY wanted to be with me. He told me he wanted to. He knew how deeply I loved him, he visited a few times and things were going normally. He was going to visit me for 2 weeks to be with me during my bad week (the same week that my mom passed a year ago) and come down for work as well.

 

He ghosted me. Never broke up with me, didn't answer my texts or calls. Nothing. I finally caved and sent him an email 5 months later (lame I know) on my birthday because it was an emotional trigger. My mom and I were born on the same day. I was so sad. Being without her, knowing she would never come back, knowing a man I loved deeply had chosen to leave me....I broke down. I asked him why he left without a word. He actually responded.

 

His email was cold. He said he needed to cut ties with his past in order to move forward in life, that the ultimate outcome was the decision he knew he had to make. He knew he had to cut me out? It made no sense. How could he go from wanting to spend his life with me to abandoning me? You can imagine the abandonment issues I was already experiencing with losing both parents, the pain this caused was unbearable. He knew it wasn't going to work and he still led me to believe we had a chance, while I was grieving and dealign with so much loss. At one point in the email he told me he was looking forward to a "drama free period" in his life. He told me to forget him and that "neither one of us was responsible for the personal life of the other" Those were his exact words.

 

I became suicidal. I still have reoccurring thoughts about ending it. I feel like I am incapable of being loved.

 

He has a new life, a new girlfriend, he lives with her in a new town and seems to be happy. I know I need to move on too but can't. Its been almost a year and I am still stuck. I have a therapist, I am trying to live a healthy life but can't seem to get over this guy and the horrible, horrible way he left me. I am terrified that I will never move on from this. That I will still cling to the idea of him because he was there after she died. He clearly does not care about my wellbeing at all.

 

So why can't I let him go?

[melancholy123]

If your current therapist isnt helping you, please get another one. You've suffered many losses and need some help dealing with all of it. With the ex bf I think you really really really wanted someone in your life to make you feel better, someone you could count on to not bail on you, but unfortunately he did and that was yet another loss for you. Therapy can help you sort it all out and learn from it and be able to move on in a positive way.

[Snny]

Thank you for reaching out to us. I know how difficult it is to talk to people when you are dealing with death and potential suicide, but please know you are doing the right thing. There are people who truly do care about you. Pick up the phone and go call your best friends.

 

Unfortunately people we cherish come and go within our lives. We count our blessings to those who choose stay with us for a very long time- because like you said, life is very fragile and short. I had to go to a funeral yesterday for my best friend who lost her battle with depression... And left behind the people connected to her with many unanswered questions and pain that will never go away.

 

Your former boyfriend did not treat you well, but please know (and in comfort) that he does not speak for the behalf of all men out in this world. There are good guys out there who either match or balance you out... They can be difficult to find, but not impossible. It will take some effort, but it is worth it if you are willing to put in it and seek the right avenues. That guy who bailed is not worth your loyalty.

 

For now, focus on yourself. Focus on improving your emotional and spiritual health. If your first therapist has not helped you, seek another. I had to go through THREE therapist one point in my life to help sort out my emotions and stand strong. Therapists are just as human a you are, that no one is perfect.

 

I am no therapist. Just a person who has walked in similar shoes.