If you have doubts and are thinking about breaking up please read this

[anon104]

This probably isn't what you want to hear but it's what you need to hear. This is coming from a girl who was dumped by someone she thought she was going to marry. Even having to write this out gives me a bit of anxiety.

 

For starters let me say I feel for you. I really do. You're in a tough position and these doubts are probably eating you up inside. I've been there. I've felt it. I also, got past it. I was so in love with my ex (let's call him John). He was about 5 years older than me (oddly an issue for some people) but we had insane chemistry and were incredibly compatible. I was in my early 20s when we started dating and I hadn't dated anyone for about 2 years. The ex before him was fairly abusive and I felt I needed a break from men for awhile. John was wonderful, creative, romantic and spontaneous. We dated for 11 months and then one day he calls me up and asks if he can come by out of the blue. I figured he wanted to hang out but I was wrong.

 

He broke my heart. Told me he was having doubts about me being "the one" since the beginning of our relationship (about 3 months in to be exact) but he stuck around so long because I was so wonderful and fun and sweet that he had to give it a chance. I was devastated. I cried my eyes out until the were swollen and red and begged for him to reconsider but he said he couldn't do it anymore. He felt guilty having these doubts when he knew I loved him so much; knew I wanted to have his children and grow old with him. He said it had been eating at him for months inside because he couldn't bear the thought of hurting me but he also knew it would be worse if he waited longer to do it. I argued for months with him but nothing changed.

 

We stayed in contact for the next year and a half getting back together and breaking up about three times along the way. It was horrible. We wouldn't talk for weeks and then he would call me up and tell me he missed me or I would send him text messages to ask if we could be friends at least and the whole cycle would start over again. A couple weeks of the honeymoon phase and then the doubts would come back full force and it'd be reliving the heart ache all over again. I swore that after a year I'd be done with it and never speak to him again. That didn't end up happening. 6 more months went by of this anguish (It was honestly one of the darkest times in my life). I couldn't move on. I was still in love with him and I never even knew what had happened to make the relationship fail. I could see in his eyes that he loved me. I was so sure of it but nothing was working. I needed to move on.

 

He finally cut off contact with me because he couldn't take our relationship anymore. We were both depressed and miserable without each other. I almost moved back home because of him. His mom would call me up and ask why we were doing this to each other and it would take everything in me to not scream at her "because your son is a moron and sadistic!" I fought it for a long time but I ended up seeing a therapist. It took time but I got better. Not healed but better. I broke down when I found out he was dating someone new. Wanted to jump off a bridge. They didn't last long though (He said she was sweet but they wanted different things in life) and I needed to focus on me. A year after we officially stopped speaking to each other I was able to feel sort of numb to it. I would still cry on certain days but it wasn't constantly on my mind. It hurt when I found out he was dating another new girl but not as much. He ended up breaking up with her a couple months in as well (apparently she had a severe case of syndrome and would hit him when she didn't get her way) I was still single.

 

Then out of no where I met someone, let's call him Alex. Alex was incredibly smart, charming, and incredibly sweet. We traveled to two different countries in the first 3 months of our relationship (being older and having more money had it's benefits). It was amazing. We had this wild chemistry that wouldn't let up!

 

But then it hit me. I was having doubts. I finally was able to understand what John was going through. Alex was amazing in every way but I was worried he wasn't the one. Something was off and I had no idea what it was. The very thing that broke me and took 3 years to come back from was creeping up inside me. I just knew in my gut that I had to end it now. Every single one of my friends told me "If you don't feel it you don't feel it" or "You need to listen to that little voice". I hated this feeling. Why would I be having doubts?! Alex was perfect on paper and I was so into him. How could I all of the sudden be having doubts! It tore me up inside and I couldn't bear to hurt him so I spoke to the one person I needed to speak to. Alex.

 

He was hurt when I told him how I was feeling but he was very understanding. He said he saw something between us and didn't want to lose me. He asked if I would consider counseling with him before pulling the trigger. I couldn't ever put anyone through the pain John put me through so I agreed. I thought we were doomed that 3 months in we were going to couple's therapy.

 

I was wrong.

 

It was the best decision I could have made. We got to the root of my doubts and addressed my fears and his! We've been married now for 4 years and I'm so happy I stayed. It made me realize that I was willing to try anything to make things work with John but John wasn't making an effort. I went no contact, no sex, slowly dating again, trying new things in bed, being open, being understanding but John didn't do anything. He just expected the doubts to disappear if we were meant to be together. I bent over backwards for John while John sat back and waited for things to get better. He took me for granted. That's why it never worked. He had doubts but he never addressed them. Never faced them. Felt he needed to just trust his gut. Well let me tell you, you're gut is not always right. Sometimes it's trying to protect you from being vulnerable, being hurt, but it's also shutting you off from something potentially wonderful!

 

So here is why I decided to write my story today. About a couple months ago I got an email from John. Seeing that notification was like a dagger in the heart. I still loved him. I will always love him. I opened up the message to find he was still hurting too. He apologized and said he made a mistake. The biggest mistake he ever made and that he loved me and wanted to marry me. He finally went to therapy because, once again, he met a girl and started having doubts. Went through the whole ordeal a second time. Turns out, in therapy he learned that IT'S NORMAL TO HAVE DOUBTS IN A RELATIONSHIP even early on. The important thing is to asses them and figure out where these doubts are coming from. He figured out it had to do with an ex who hurt him in the past. He asked for one last chance.

 

I can't say what my answer would have been if I hadn't been with Alex. After all my heart skipped a beat just hearing from John. He was my first love but what I had with Alex was stronger. We love each other and that isn't going to change. We took the time to build what we have now. We fight fair and we communicate when things get rough. That's the difference between a mature love and an immature love. A mature love is one where two people know love doesn't just happen. It's built upon. It's easy to run when things get tough, to say it wasn't right or they weren't the one. It takes real strength to look at each other and say we are not perfect but no matter what we will always see things through the tough times.

 

I often see blog posts and article of someone having doubts and wondering if they should leave or not and the responses seem to be from other people who went through the same thing but never from someone who had it happen to them. I felt as someone who's been on both sides of this horrible doubt I needed to say something.

 

If you're having doubts because you fight to much and you can't make things work, or they're abusive, or they drink, or you two honestly aren't compatible then by all means break it off and please be honest. But if there is no reason you can give the person and you can't think of a single excuse to not be with this person other than "it just doesn't feel right" then you owe them a little effort. Saying you're not happy anymore means you're waiting for them to make you happy. You need to work together to make yourselves and each other happy! It's work but it's worth it! Be honest. Be upfront. Bailing is easy but staying can create something one of a kind. Don't just sit around! You owe them a chance to build something stronger. The grass is not always greener.

 

So please, as someone who was broken for so long because of another persons doubts, seek counseling. Neither of you deserve to go through that emotional storm.

[laelithia]

Great post, thanks for sharing!

[idontcare]

It's a beautiful thread to read! Thank you! But if she left you for another man! I guess it's over for ever and can't be fixed woth consulting

[Miastar]

I'm so happy for you

Such a heartbreaking read though.. I had doubts early on and tried to express them to my ex who was very supportive. I went to 2 different types of counselling but it wasn't until the relationship ended that I found the right counsellor for me.

Now my ex has "doubts" that he says he will never get over. Go figure eh.

Thank you for this post xx

[EtrnalOptimist]

I think the first relationship after an intense ex-relationship is always hard. Even with enough time, you compare your new partner to your last and it manifests as doubts about whether they are what you want; she's not as thin, not as young-at-heart, not as exciting, not as successful. Truth is, if she has enough of the other stuff you care about, you just need to decide if you can live without the things you had before (and think you still want).

 

It' tough making that decision

[Knight2001]

great story. thanks for sharing. good luck for the future.

[RKO]

A good read, is there any chance you could read over my thread and give your thoughts on it if possible please?

Thank you

[polypup]

I love the line "It takes real strength to look at each other and say we are not perfect but no matter what we will always see things through the tough times."

[GeekLover]

Very good insight. Thank you for posting your story.

[anon104]

I think you are very correct in that assumption. Like I said, I was in a very dark place after the break up but I do believe I took the time to heal. My doubts definitely stemmed from a place of fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of being with someone who wasn't my "one". Fear that he was more into me than I was into him. Many fears. I realized I needed to make a change and take a leap of faith. I could have very well ended up being wrong to not listen to my gut and run but I'm happy that wasn't the case.

 

I remember I had one friend who got engaged after dating someone for 6 months. She kept telling me "when you know you know" She would say that my doubts were a major red flag because my inner voice was telling me he wasn't who I was supposed to be. That I could be happy with him but never as happy as I could be with the one. She was looking out for me but she was also obsessed with the hollywood idea of true love. Eight months after their wedding she ended up going to my therapist with her husband because they were both ready to end it. Thank god they didn't though!

 

I'm telling you, love is work but it's worth it! Her and her husband were right for each other and they "just knew" but they wanted to divorce each other. Putting in effort and doing the work saved their marriage. I can't stress this enough.

 

Love is work so put in the work and be happy!

[anon104]

@idontcare

 

That's a very hard thing to go through and I'm so sorry you have to feel that type of hurt. I am a huge supporter of therapy and that is one of those things that can be dealt with. If you are married and want to save it I would ask if she would consider seeing a counselor with you. I she says no then she is not mature enough to heal herself and the relationship. If you two were not married I would suggest cutting off contact. She left you for someone else. She showed no respect for you or herself in doing so. You can and will find better. I promise you.

 

Going through my breakup I hated hearing "you'll get over it" and "time heals all wounds" Time will heal you but you need to help heal yourself as well. I hope things end up well for you and once again, I'm so sorry you have to go through something like that.