Can't have Cake and Eat it too?

[LuciaSeia]

So just an hour ago my new ex (since last night) came by to see me. We needed to talk in person, because I didn't want to break it up over the phone. So he wanted to find out what was "wrong" with him and other reasons for the break. I Told him we just seemed to act like friends most of the time, and rarely did anything intimate(he's the 23 year old virgin I've made many posts about), he also never understood why I was with him and constantly questioned how deep my interest was. So It was always a little turn off that he lacked confidence. Well....after we agreed to still be friends, we kissed...

 

tears started to fall from his face....

 

I apologized for the kiss, he joked we could still be 'friends with benefits' to cover up the fact he was crying. I still felt the urge to kiss him and be held. I think he realized I still wanted to makeout.....and he just insinuated that as long as I wasn't seeing anyone else we could still do that. I just don't know if he'll really be fine with that because of the way he welled up with tears when we did.

 

Is this selfish on my part, for wanting to breakup but still hang out and makeout from time to time?

It seems like he can't handle being friends with 'benefits'.....

[DN]

If you don't want him as a boyfriend I think you should not give him any false hope that you may want him back, now or later.

[LuciaSeia]

Yeah, he really is the MOST bizarro, interesting, mysterious guy I've ever ever met. He looks very handsome and aloof and NORMAL from the outside(many friends, quite popular and BOOK smart), but deep down he's an emotional mess. The 3 months we were together I never saw his manhood, he never wanted me to do anything sexual to him, at parties and bars he would always remain a wallflower while I'd be the social butterfly (I'd later find out he was very hurt by that)..it goes on.

 

He tells me he knows I'll find a guy instantly...but I don't want another relationship..maybe it's the fact that he's a challenge and I've gotten to know him better than anyone who's known him for years. the only thing I could never figure out is his extreme problems with his Erectile dysfuction issue(which I think is ALL in his head), and his shyness. Oh boy..I miss him already.

[codaaurora]

Whatever decisions that he has made in his life about his own sexuality and how and when he wishes to explore it are his decisions.

 

However, both of you know that friends with benefits isnt' really the right term in this situation.

 

To continue to make out with someone who is obviously emotionally attached to you but dedicated enough to not follow through with his own needs/desires is wrong after a break up.

 

It would be selfish of you and only hurt him/mess him up further. Do you really want to do that to him? Let him go, he'll hurt for a while, but then maybe he can find someone who has the same desires or needs that he has and you can too.

[annie24]

Sooo... just wondering... do you think he's gay?

 

*sigh* do you really want an emotional wreck in your life? It's not what you were always hoping for as a little girl, is it? Tall, dark, and crazy?

[LuciaSeia]

I'm pretty sure he's not gay, I brought it up once only to bring out rage in him. He really seemed to have cared about me and my sexual needs..soo I don't think he is. He has many insecurities about not being able maintain an erection the rare times he supposedly gets them.. He may very well in fact be the 1-2% of guys under 50 who has ED, I don't know. Don't want to wait around forever to find out if it's not just psychological thing. He said that it's effected his whole life...and the main reason for his lack of confidence. He is a sweet guy...but I've never been so frustrated in my life.

[Day_Walker]

It seems that you if are still friends with him and still make out then eventually it is going to become more trouble than its worth. As long as you know that going into the situation and you are still fine with it then it is ur decision to make.

[DN]

Suppose for a moment that the situation was reversed - say you had a sexual problem and he was to leave you because he was frustrated. How would you react to that?

[CarrieB123]

the only bizarre thing are the facts he's a virgin and he cried when you two kissed.

 

wow... he really is a piece of work.

 

Thats not really very nice. Maybe you like it better if she said he said this, "I've had 345 sexual partners", and then "*beep* slapped" her when she tried to kiss him.

 

I hate that everyone thinks men shouldn't be sensitive. Whats so wrong with a 23 year old virgin, and so what if he cried. Maybe this world would be a better place if Men could act out on their emotions more!

[LuciaSeia]

well. I'd go to the doctor and get help. I wouldn't just sit there and continue to have the issue, like he has. I've told him to go to the doctor and he never did...he said he was too embarrassed and contradicted himself saying maybe he COULD get it up. Oh man...

 

 

he really is a special case.

[CarrieB123]

Does he masturbate?

[LuciaSeia]

He gets really shy or reluctant to answer when I ask. He says he has, and when I question him further about how often.. it comes down to maybe once a week...maybe once every week or two.

 

Can this be possible? he is also a heavy pot smoker, or he used to be a very heavy user since he was 15...he has slowed down since then, but I'm assuming that could be a reason too.

 

I know how to pick em right?

[annie24]

Oh honey - He's not your problem anymore. I know you like a challenge, but, you don't really need this in your life - to figure out what is wrong with him. Let his psychiatrist do that. I hope you meet someone more on your wavelength next time!

[CarrieB123]

Are you planning on making him your b/f again, if not, maybe you should just be on your way.

[CarrieB123]

when it comes to giving advice I am not a very nice person at times, or at least am viewed as such.

 

Well ppl come on here for support, not to be judged and treated poorly, I myself often use "tough love" but I think you are just trying make ppl angry.

 

And you dont know this man she is talking about or his situation, and LuciaSeia didnt ask for a rasie of hands, for "ppl who think this guy is a loser"

 

what she said was:

 

Is this selfish on my part, for wanting to breakup but still hang out and makeout from time to time?

It seems like he can't handle being friends with 'benefits'.....

[codaaurora]

he is also a heavy pot smoker, or he used to be a very heavy user since he was 15...he has slowed down since then, but...

 

There, you just answered your own question.

 

This man is not only experiencing some serious emotional issues right now, but also dealing with a common problem among pot smoking men. Their lowered sex drive. Hate to tell you this, but this does require medical attention. He's probably going to need psychological help as well, as he seems to have built up a pretty healthy problem mentally because of his um....inabilities.

 

I would be his friend and try to help him, but I would stick off of the sexual contact between the two of you and explain to him that you would like to be there with him like this, but think it would be healthier for HIM to wait until he feels comfortable enough to see a doctor. Tell him you'll stick by him as a friend during this.

[annie24]

Is this selfish on my part, for wanting to breakup but still hang out and makeout from time to time?

It seems like he can't handle being friends with 'benefits'.....

 

I think that if you are looking for a FWB, this isn't the right guy. He has some hangups, what they are, I don't know. I could think of 50 things off the top of my head that may be his issues. But honestly, if you two rarely did anything intimate, I don't see why he would be a good candidate for FWB, if, as you said, he has a hard time with 'benefits.'

 

If you really are looking for a FWB thing, then I think that there are hundreds of men in your area who would fit that bill, with far less complications than this guy.

 

I would remain friendly with this guy, but it clearly sounds like there are some issues in his life that he needs to deal with...

 

good luck!

[CarrieB123]

Tell him you'll stick by him as a friend during this.

 

That would be very admirable but hard, if she decides to date someone else while they are "begin friends" it might make things worse for him.

[codaaurora]

Tell him you'll stick by him as a friend during this.

 

That would be very admirable but hard, if she decides to date someone else while they are "begin friends" it might make things worse for him.

 

Very true, however, if she is his friend first, their relationship never hit that "critical" part, she is not seeing anyone else, and she feels she is up (no pun intended sorry) to the task, I think that telling him that she will remain his friend and try to help him through this might be an incentive for him.

 

Although, ultimately he is an adult and must make his own decisions about getting help or not getting help.

 

Should she choose to start seeing someone else, she would need to decide if she could then still carry on a "true" friendship with the virgin.

[LuciaSeia]

Thanks so much for your input everybody. called me from a party somewhere in his college town tonight. I'm guessing he's trying to make me jealous, I have to admit...the first night without him has been quite lonely, even though I've hung out with old guy and girl friends. Oh me. I wish there was a way I could hang up my ego for the night,...I only seem to accept and appreciate attention from the people I have my hopes set on.

 

Maybe that'll be another post. Why do some women love the challenge, with little or no reward...and has any woman ever met a guy even remotely similar to my ex?!!

 

Most people who meet me, wouldn't think I'd go for a guy like him.....especially go unsatisfied for so long. I think my last relationship set a high standard for me, and knowing I couldn't get a guy to make me feel like that again I just pulled the first nice guy to try to whoo me, into my deep dark void.