Toxic relationship with family ( Mom & brother)

[PJM]

Hello,

 

Its a long post but hopefully I gave a good picture of my situation & would really appreciate inputs. Thank you.

 

I am Indian ( south Indian) , my brother was born after me . He is 1 yr younger. Since he was born I always felt that I had to work hard for approval from my parents especially mom. I had a very traumatic memories of my childhood relationship with her. She would hint that I was not beautiful, would emotionally neglected me if i did not listen to her. I have always been a rebel and would do things I wanted to do like keeping hair in certain way , dressing I was not allowed to wear skirts..which she never liked. Bottom line she wanted complete control , emotionally neglected & always made me feel I was worthless. I never remember when my mom told me " I love you" to the extent that I worked very hard in every field to get approval & love and ended up getting in medicine. The opposite has been with my brother, he would get away with any thing. My mom enabled any action he did. He has been never apposed . He would spend lot of time with his friends never studied, never was with family even for a movie but my mom would not say a thing. My dad was very neutral and always stayed out to earn money for the family. When it was time my brother was sent to private college with lot of money so he could be an engineer , I slogged by teenager time to get into medicine and got into a Govt college. Whenever I would come home from stress of medical college, They both would make fun of me ( brother & mother) you cant handle medicine why did you get into that? Long story short, I ended up marrying a very abusive husband ( in my first marriage) ( who was like my mom i guess) I was in US at that time and had a girl child. Very proud of myself getting out of the abusive relationship.Life really shook me very hard as a single parent and for the first time in my life I worked on myself, my confidence, having deeper connection to my inner self and loving myself. Took me 5 yrs after my divorce to reach that connection. During all these years my brother totally refused to help me as he was scared I would be a burden to him. To be honest these were my best years as I was free from my mother & brothers interference in my life and had a blast as a single mom. I grew personally emotionally & spiritually and became a very strong and unshakable person.

 

I was proud of myself. I attracted a nice man in my life our relationship became deeper and we decided to tie a knot this after 6 yrs after my divorce. I was happy woman. Me & my husband had some little issues but had fun and for the first time felt like I was living my life I deserved. I started focusing on my medical studies and got selected into a very competitive PA program. During my first year I had a baby , I needed help first my mother-in-law came & helped me for sometime & then my parents came for 6 months. I wanted to forget about all the incidents I had in child hood with my mom and give our relationship a second chance. My parents came to live with me. I knew there would be some conflict when my brother and mom unite ( as my brother lives 1 hr far from me ) I thought I can handle any complication with with compassion. There were some issues then but I did not give them much energy and focused on my studies. Handled it for 6 months and then there was a situation where I could not find a nanny ( most of them were very expensive), my MIL was very sick and I had an option of taking break from PA school or to send my baby to India for 6 months . I did not want to send her but my husband suggested, to take the help and finish school. So I heart broken sent my baby with my parents mom & dad. I am very grateful for them to help me out and my mom to take care of my baby. Now my parents are here back with my daughter, I am into last lap of finishing PA school and since last six months my husband is in New York for a good contract and comes every 2 weeks for the weekend. We had a long discussion about his working situation but he said he is doing for the family & is very temporary and should be done by the time your parents leave .

 

My mom & dad don't get along well they literally resent each other. My mom some times cant stand my dads presence. Every weekend when my husband comes, he would ask if any thing is needed for the house and my mom would give him a big list of things, & would start talking a lot to him giving him lists and sometimes doing more for by daughter in front of him. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that she helped me but her this behavior with my husband is irritating me. My husband respects her a lot as she did lot for our child when I was at school and some times even when I am there she will start taking acre of my daughter giving him the impression that I don't do any thing and she is the only one that does a lot for our child. This kind of subtle things is bringing lot of tension in already along distance relationship with my husband. Once I got some courage and talked to her very diplomatically, which was taken very personnel& told to my brother behind my back. My brother called me and started trashing me that I disrespecting them bla bla . I felt very hurt that my mother would go behind my back and complain about me to my brother. I am getting sick of this behavior. Last week some thing like this again happened with and I lost it with my mom, Came from a night shift and ended up saying " You don t want us to stay together as a family" which she blew out of proportion and next thing I know is I get a call from my brother saying that I have used her for my baby and now I am not treating her nicely. I should be grateful and worship her. My mom said to me well I have done so much for the baby you should surrender yourself " which really shocked me and I tried to understand that all the time she helped was to gain control so I could surrender my life to her? At this point my relationship with my mom & brother sounds very toxic to me. Its time for them to go back to India and my dad likes it here and wants an extension & I said no. I said its very high time that I take care of my daughter , my brother came to talk to me to convince for the stay and there was an argument and suddenly he started bursting and attacking me that " how dare you say mom is creating problems in your relationship" She did so much for your baby you are a selfish arrogant woman and there abuse went on and on... at one point he came so close to hit me. Do I really need this abusive toxic relationship with my brother? Do I need a relationship with a mom who just wants attention from every one including my husband and does not care if her behavior tears us apart? I am I being very arrogant and unreasonable here to say no to this negativity ? Any input is highly appreciated. Thank you.

[chitown9]

It sounds like the time for your parents' visa has ended and they are required to return to India unless granted an extension? Also, have you ever tried talking with your mom? Explain that you would like to work out problems with her and not include your brother in the mix? chi

[RebeccaLynn]

I'm so sorry you have been going thru this. Your mom and brother do not know the boundaries and they are walking all over you! That is hard. Your mom and brother are very close and love each other very much. It sounds like they are being so over demanding and expecting you to heed to their emotional demands. You have done a wonderful thing with your life inspite of your over whelming circumstances. Reassure your mother, you father, and your bother that you are thankful for what your parents have done for you daughter. Then stick with your guns!! stand up to them and say enough is enough I love you but it's time for you to go. They will be angry but it's the best thing for your family (you, your husband, and your baby) right now. let them know you will be happy to help them in the future if they want to move to the USA. If your brother tries to talk or yell at you again hang up! They need to know there are boundaries they can not cross. Put your foot down.

[PJM]

Thank you so much Rebecca for your support . Means a lot to me right now. Lots of love & best wishes..

[jujusamples]

@OP, your mother sounds like my mother. In fact just the other day, my brother and my mother got into an argument about something and ask me to talk to my mom for him. (I did it because he always stood up for me)

 

I was trying to be diplomatic and told her to leave my brother and wife alone (mom harassing them to do something) and that it's their business. She just lost it and started screaming at me. I told her it's what my brother said. He will disowned her if she keeps butting into his business. She screamed at the top of her lungs that it's her business! At that point I just gave up and realized, she just wants control and is only thinking about herself. She screamed at me saying I'm a bad person and hung up on me.

 

I realized then, I do not deserve that treatment. I'm no longer hurt by her anymore. This will be the last time I'm going to talk to her for my brother! I was just a messenger but she called me all the nasty names in the book. This happens every-time I try to say anything she doesn't like to hear. (she doesn't like to hear a lot of things) She's only happy to hear things that is good about herself. Hates it when anything good is going for me. Hates it if other family members buys me nice gifts and not her. She's pretty much a narcissist. Calls me a loser, who knows how many times. Encourage other members of the family to do the same. It's very strange!

 

Sometimes I wonder if a mother could be jealous of her own daughter? She is similar to your mother, doesn't have a very good relationship with my dad either. She brags about my husband to everyone saying she choose him etc. etc... I was like uh... NO. You didn't even really meet him until we were about to get engaged. My mother is something else I'm telling you.

 

Point is, stop wondering why she's that way to you. You don't deserve to be treated this way and stick to your guns. I find getting some therapy to let it out really helped me not feel hurt by my mother anymore. I'm no longer letting her control who I am anymore. You can do it, it's hard at first, but it will pass. You don't want to raise your child around that toxicity either. Hope all the best to you and that everything will work out.

[PJM]

Thank you So much Juju, which mother would watch her son intimidating her own daughter? These complex mothers are out of my understandings...

[PJM]

Thank you so much for your help and replies. Yesterday I overheard my mom speaking nasty about me to my sister. That I am like my dad and that I am bringing the family down that she & my brother are are having hard time with me . That I don't care about them & it went on & on.... It was hurtful to hear your own mother talk crap about you to your siblings. It really hurt very badly. When I confronted her why she is doing this morning, she suddenly became almost hysteric and started to cry saying.. oh I did not mean that , I can't live with out you & bla bla bla was very hysteric... became very emotional.. don't know what to make out of all this...Feels to me like an abusive relationship where when an abuser hurts you & then apologizes and makes it seem all right only to hurt or abuse you again. Currently I am confused what to make out of all these... any input is highly appreciated.