Jump to content

Exhausted mentally and emotionally with humans


Recommended Posts

This is going to be a long one so please bear with me. I have alot to share as it pertains to three decades of my life.

 

Childhood:

-A perfect Fairy tale in school till I was about 10. The popular kid in school, smart with perfect grades. I always ensured that others around me felt welcomed and protected due to a strong leadership persona.

 

-Home life? confusing. Father traveled for work. Mother was a house wife. She had her issues. Lots of emotional and some physical abuse. Everything that happened to me seemed to be blamed on me. That broke off the parent child relationship where I started keeping secrets at early age - some really dark about abuse. Somehow I knew she will blame me for it. She wouldnt tire of telling me that she wishes I was dead or that I was ugly and no one needed me.

 

-We traveled a lot so I lost all my friends. The new schools made me feel alienated. I had no friends. Harsh bullying by both girls and boys. Some of these boys much later apologized and confessed to liking me but just didn't know how to handle the likeness. I made friends with some not so smart kids that needed help with studies. But just like everyone else come play time, they will find others to associate with but I was always the go to for advice and homework help. I decided at this stage that I will set a good example, if people hate me - I will smile and continue being nice. At the end of the day when I fell asleep crying - I knew I was the bigger person and I didn't hurt people like they hurt me.

 

Teenager and Young Adult:

- Threw myself into being a workoholic. Somehow people valued me more when I provided results. Worked 12/14 hour days with school/college at parent's business.

 

- Family became super dependent on my effort. Somehow I was the magically kid who could fix any and all sort of troubles we faced.

 

-At 17 mother changes drastically and now is my biggest fan. She won't stop telling me how pretty I am and that I should model. I still don't get it.

 

-Also at 17 started dating my best friend of 3 years (long distance). We went to school together in Middle School. He was also one of the bullies but later apologized and we became best friends online. The moment we started dating the lies and abuse started. How ugly I am, how embarassed he is of me, lies about him having cancer, him cheating on me, making me jealous, I shouldn't make friends because they will influence me, telling me I won't be allowed to drive or work after we are married and just pure ugly things. This somehow lasted three years when he attempted suicide and got diagnosed with mental illness. Ofcourse I was the one who got him help in time. He blamed me for not letting him die in peace and then demanded we get married that year. Luckily that never happened.

 

-I attained a psychopath stalker who made my life a living hell. Details of this I will share if needed someday. These are the ugliest details of my life.

 

-Started college and broke out of my shell, became an extrovert by forcing myself to work several leadership positions on campus. Became very popular. Somehow all the "ugly" comments were now replaced with admiration and how pretty I am. I still struggle with this confusion - somehow my self esteem is still pretty low.

 

-Met my husband - a very sweet and kind person. One of the nicest people I know in life.

 

 

Adult life until now:

-Got married and took a sigh of relief.

-Graduated and found jobs where I worked 60 to 70 hours a week (value in being a workoholic continues)

-Remained the primary bread winner as husband tried to find a niche, work part time and go to school part time.

-All my friends spread all over the country after their graduation.

-We moved out of state away from family and everyone I know due to my job

-I continued supporting my extended family from a distance. First signs of worry that if I ever fall apart who will support me since I am primary source of support for everyone.

-I fell apart due to health reasons 2 years ago. No one seemed to cared. Some family members went as far as saying that I am pretending or it is in my head. Their expectations continued or they just ignored me and my pain.

-Loneliness starts to set in.

-Husband found his calling where he has to work with opposite sex. I don't mind, I trust him and he trusts me. Unfortunately discovered a few conversations of a female coworker flirting with him. He doesn't flirt back but doesn't stop her either. But complains about me to her at one point. I have never shared our problems with close friends and family members so this was heart breaking. I also had stopped hanging out with male friends if I made any without husband present so all that was an added stress.

-Stalker returned - extensive court case ensues.

- I start seeing a therapist. Husband and her want me to break out of my shell go make friends. Have lunches with coworkers. I follow suit.

 

 

Current situation:

- I work in an introverted environment completely opposite of who I have become in my teenage/adult life. The silence and loneliness kills me.

- Ran past a coworker who was very sweet in the beginning. At least a good 6 months. Always helped me with my tasks. Lunch invites daily. Always checking on me. Stopping by my office to talk about non work related stuff. I am slow to reciprocate since I have been burnt alot in life. So I didn't initiate any contact myself for months and kept testing if he really wants to be friends. He starts inviting me to out side of work activities. He has been with his S/O for about a decade like me but bashes her alot which I never fed into. I never shared my life problems with him.

-I finally took a sigh of relief that I have a work friend - I shared how I feel. And he disappears....cold turkey. We saw each other in passing and he would act the same cheerful and cater to all my needs.

-Upon urging of my husband and therapist instead of giving up on the friendship I waited few weeks and I asked him if all was well? He was surprised and said yes. He almost reverted to his old self. I was happy but then next week the coldness started again.

-I decided to give up but the moment he noticed I was walking away, he came back full force.

-We decided to workout twice a week after work, on his idea. He started inviting me to other outside activity but they somehow haven't panned out with me so I keep declining.

-But now he is extremely mean to me at times and then extremely nice. Things that he encouraged me to do previously now he calls lame. It is like anything that made me, me? He attacks it. Tells me I am horrible and that I am not good at anything I do. But then in person he treats me like I am some king. It messes with my head.

-I brought it up nicely and he disagreed with me, he went as far as saying we are not even friends. Which felt like a slap on the face because that is not what he had said for the last so many months. But yet he still wants to invite me outside to hang out with his friends and continue working out with him.

 

All this to say...I thought life would change, that I have grown - that I have better people surrounding me in life but all that seems to have evaporated. I am very down and depressed and don't know what to do. Why does no one care? Why do I give so much more than what I get in return.

 

And what in the world is wrong with my coworker? I am going to try walking away again slowly this time - maybe he won't notice. It is hard for me since I always get stuck with passive aggressive folk and keep trying to please them given my history with my mother.

 

Maybe this is a question post or just venting but any help from you folks will be greatly appreciated.

Link to comment

Agree you worry too much about what other people think. Get a good physical from a doctor to look into physical causes and an referral to a psychiatrist to rule out medically treatable conditions since this seems pervasive over time and situations.

Link to comment

I'm very sorry for what you have endured. Even though your life has changed a lot and the people around you are different you seem to have not break the cycle of abuse yet. The same patterns keep on appearing in your life through different people. You family hasn't helped any of this too.

 

I'd say it's crucial to keep on therapy, try different approaches if you have to (different therapists until you find the right one, meditation, different types of therapy if it's necessary so that you can deal with the abuse and feelings of lack of self worth within you) , make it a priority to take care of your physical and mental health, get rid of toxic people in your life (maybe even the coworker... he's not healthy for you, there's no use persuing this) including mean family members if you need to, work on your marriage and trying to get a life out of work like getting activities and hobbies that allow you to form new and healthier relationships if possible.

 

You still have a lot of inner work to do (we all have), but don't despair, you are strong and you can do it. You'll still have to go through the pain of becoming aware of your self and your patterns and healing your past wounds and it can take time and patience, but it's totally worth it and you'll become a better, brighter and stronger person.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...