Help, need advice

[Anonymous68]

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and I have never been happier, but one thing is bothering me and I can't move past it.

He has been divorced for 16 years now, after being together/married for 10 years. He was devostated when she cheated on him and he never really dated till I came along 11 years later. He took it really bad and everyone said he'll never get over her. She is happily married with another child now and hasn't looked back after she divorced him.

When we got together, he still had photos up around the house and everything was left exactly the same as when she lived there. After a few years, I made a comment that it upsets me to see the photos up and his comment was that he forgot they were even up there and he took them down. We were not living together at the time, I had my place and he had his. We have spoken at lengths about his marriage and I know it hurt him tremendously. At the beginning of our relationship, he said he'll never move it with me or marry me and that suited me fine as I had just came out of a relationship too.

Fast forward 5 years and he has moved in with me and we are building a house together and he says he loves me and we have made lots of plans for the future.

He still won't marry me, he says he doesn't want to ruin what we have and his commitment to me is building our dream home together.

It's not enough for me tho.

Last weekend we were at a wedding and someone mentioned his ex wife and he got all emotional and teary. What the hell?? 16 years they have been divorced for. It was like a slap in the face for me. Does he still have feelings for her?? Am I wasting my time with him? I spoke to him about it and he said I should of supported him and gave him a cuddle cause he was upset. Like hell. I walked away as soon as he got emotional. Why should I cuddle him when he obviously was upset over his ex. 16 years I thought the pain would/should be gone. Am I over reacting like he says?? Am I being paranoid?

I'm feeling second best at the moment.

Any suggestions??

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's nostalgic. Divorce is very painful. Perhaps it's more that than missing her per se. It also sounds like he's ok just living together.

he has moved in with me and we are building a house together. He still won't marry me.

[Rezie]

To be fair he did tell you early on that he doesnt want to get married. Eventhough he changed his mind about moving in, you can't expect him to change his mind about everything.

 

No you don't need to cuddle him every time he gets upset about his ex. You are also not paranoid and you are not overreacting. I'm sure we all would feel weird and confused and pissed off if this happened after 16 years.

 

He can't expect you to do that. Has he talked with an outsider or professional about the divorce? We can't tell you if he is still in love with her. Sometimes it's not about the love but about the feeling of a failure, feeling of not being enough or several other emotions.

[Anonymous68]

Thanks guys,

Your right. it's all about give and take in a relationship and honestly I couldn't walk away from him. He's my ying to my yang. He was very depressed after his divorce and he did seek out help but he just needed to work through everything in his own time. Even if it did take years and years.

Yes, I think marriage scares him in all honesty. I'm going to try not to take it personally and live each day as it comes. I am just gonna be happy with what we have and build our house together and love him unconditionally. Even if he does sometimes call me his ex. Will try and laugh that off.