When apologising isn't enough

[MonkeyHusband]

Help!

 

I've been with my partner for 6 years, married for 2 and I've always struggled with communication and conflict resolution. Well, I've made a slip that has spiralled out of control. Now we're 5 days into a conflict and I've got no clue how to resolve it.

 

So this is what happened. At first it seems something quite minor: I didn't ask my best friend if his wedding was going ahead or not (as last I spoke to him, he didn't know). My friends wedding is in Thailand and my Wife wanted to go. However because I didn't find out if it was going ahead, after repeatedly being asked to by my wife, she made a career choice which means she can no longer go. Last week my friend phoned me and told me it was all going ahead later this year, which has upset my wife deeply. She now says that she wouldn't have taken her new job if she'd have known - and of course with this it's dredged up other bug bears about how I don't plan for the future or talk about issues etc. The implication being that this might have been the start of a bigger "sabbatical" or something

 

Anyway, because I found out whilst we were on holiday with friends and family, we haven't been able to talk about it properly until today, so she's been stewing, and I've been beating myself up for days. I can't go back in time so I can't fix this, but I have promised to see a life coach to help deal with communication and future planning issues. She's still wildly-angry with me. I've never seen her this upset before, so it obviously meant a lot to her. We've tried talking about it, but personality wise we couldn't be more different - I'm a massive introvert and she's a massive extrovert. She becomes more aggressive in conflict and I become more stand-offish. Simply put the conversation was : she got angry, I apologised a lot.

 

the last thing she said was 'is that all you've got to say?' before storming off. Now, to my logical mind, that is all I had to say - i apologised profusely, took the blame, and pledged action for personal development. I don't know what else to say or do - Help!

 

Monkey

[Wiseman2]

Either go without her or don't go. Why are separate vacations when one has to work a big deal? Skip the life coach thing and any other passive aggressive maneuvers that indicate 'fixing things' but really don't..

 

Go to marriage therapy together. You Both have major issues with communication and conflict resolution.

married for 2. this it's dredged up other bug bears about how I don't plan for the future or talk about issues etc. I have promised to see a life coach to help deal with communication and future planning issues. She's still wildly-angry with me.

[Gabinete]

I do not believe therapy will be enough for this. Maybe it is time to let go.

[tattoobunnie]

I didn't realize you had a crystal ball that could predict that your friend was going to have the wedding in Thailand. Your wife needs to chill out. Your best friend's wedding was not your decision to make. Just tell her you'll both will go next year then, and you only go for 4 days for the wedding.

 

So what if you were with friends and family. It's called go to your hotel room and talk about it. Even then, you can't predict the future. Ask her if she doesn't feel comfortable with the new job, so she's taking it out on you. She also loaded the statement with you not planning for the future. I guess you haven't talked about kids, buying a home together, or made vacation plans? Is she the one stuck making and planning everything? Don't be that guy. The guy who can't even plan a date for his wife is lame.

 

Go make some plans, and plan your vacation. If it's too daunting, call a travel agent. Take initiative!

[annonymous1]

Would she really not taken up a full-time job just for attending a wedding ?! This feels like something more internal. I absolutely get your situation because I'm usually the one apologizing and taking the blame (sometimes even when it is not my fault). What I do is, talk to my partner at a later time when he's calmer. Although my method is not completely right, I am working on it. Since he gets annoyed too easily, I don't participate in the fight at all and just talk when he's feeling better. Since it was your best friend's wedding and nothing that you could have controlled (and I am sure she would have taken the job inspite of the wedding), she could be a bit more understanding. Like tattoobunnie said, it is probably something deeper than this. I can understand how it is difficult to talk on vacation, surrounded by family. Talk to her when she's better and ask her what the real issue is. Is it because she wants you to make plans? Is it because she is stressed out or anxious about her new job? Couple's therapy could help too.