I'm in a mess and need some help

[Kitty424]

Ok, this could get long but I really need some help from people who aren't family.

 

I have two children now age 13 and 17 from a previous marriage, and met my current husband about 7 years ago. We met online, dated for a short period of time and then within 5 months he had moved in with us. We lived about 250 miles apart before this, and he had visited and stayed a few times before he moved in. It was quick, I had been by myself for around 5 years with my children, and really wanted some adult company, he treats me like a princess and will do anything for me. I loved him totally and everything initially was good. The relationship between him and my children was ok, it wasn't brilliant and I took it to be a bit difficult for both sides, but he promised to do all sorts with my son build a go cart, go fishing etc. We used to go out at weekends as a family, taking picnics and going for walks.

 

The relationship with my oh and my children never got any better, as they got into their teenage years it got worse, I thought it was partly them being teenagers, they would hole themselves up in their bedrooms, I hardly saw them as I work full time. They would shout hello when I got home, but my oh had cooked them their dinner already, and had our dinner prepared for later. He works for himself as a gardener and often only works from 10 -4 most days. He got home first so he did the cooking, it seemed to work.

 

We decided to get married 2 1/5 years ago, things had been going on ok, I wasn't too keen to get married again after the first one not working, but he had never been married and was keen to do so. I think since then things have slowly got worse.

 

We went on holiday all together 18mths ago, and I realised then spending all day every day with him and my children how bad that relationship was, and how he always told them off for any little thing. Now we never do anything together as a family, I have to choose who I am going to spend time with. He never did any of those things he promised my son. My children have now told me they hate him, and my son has asked if he can go and live with my mother.

 

My oh (now husband), has become more and more lazy, he doesn't do anything at weekends just sits and watch TV, or is quite happy if we go to the pub. The kids started refusing to eat what he cooked, so I do the cooking now when I get home. He sits and watches while I do the housework at the weekends. I pay all the bills, (always have), but now he has started moaning he has no money, yet he turns work away or only works 4 hours during a day. Then sits at home moaning about his aches and pains.

 

I am at the end of my tether, we had a huge row last week, when he said I didn't show him any affection anymore, and i said how could I when I was so fed up with him and his behaviour.

 

Do I really have to choose between him or my kids? That's what it feels like.

 

We have an age gap, is that the problem, I'm 45 he's 53, but he does have a daughter from a previous relationship and he gets on really well with her.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you and the kids dad are the parents and he's just a step-dad and should not be assuming the role of father. He sounds way too over involved especially be disciplining, etc.

 

Get into family therapy with your boys Without him. This forced family togetherness is way too much and teen boys need more autonomy and contact with the real father. Where is he?

within 5 months he had moved in with us. We decided to get married 2 1/5 years ago. him and my children how bad that relationship was, and how he always told them off for any little thing.My children have now told me they hate him, and my son has asked if he can go and live with my mother. I am at the end of my tether, we had a huge row last week, when he said I didn't show him any affection anymore, and i said how could I when I was so fed up with him and his behaviour.

[annonymous1]

Say he's not working because of his age, he can still try a lot of things with your children. He seems to have done or said things to make you children resent him so much. Maybe they aren't telling you anything because they don't want to worry you. He can be a very bad influence on your children and can even cause any mental issues for them. He's a very bad example which you definitely don't want your children to follow. Maybe ask him if he's going through any mental issues like depression and ask him to seek help. But to me, he seems like someone who takes you and your children for granted. He knows how much of a priority your children are but still doesn't put any effort. Talk to him about this directly and if he doesn't make any effort, you should consider leaving him. He's just adding stress in your life and nothing positive. Confronting him is the only way out. Talk to your children and tell them everything to put their mind at ease, I'm sure they're just as stressed. Give yourself priority and work things out from there.