What's going on?

[nick1675]

OK everyone,

My ex and I are victims of the echo break up relationship theory. For those of you who do not know an echo break up situation is one where a couple or together and break up several times each time they get back together the love is stronger feelings are better and everything feels great but deep-seated personal issues with any of them Cause them to break up again and again. I have realize that I have had some pretty major issues growing up in dating with the same girl, past issues like neediness self-loathing confidence issues trust issues all boiling back to my childhood and from the relationship that I'm struggling with currently.

My ex left me after she went cold she treated me pretty poorly she took me for granted and then she want to leave so I told her " I love you and I have to let you go"

After the break up I had a pretty hard month but I realize that I needed to repair myself in order for me to be happy, I started working out and started spending tons of times with friends and family I started reading books and going to therapy I started to find my emotional center and I started to find my masculinity again.

After about two months my ex broke no contact and asked me if I would like to get together and get coffee. I was not interested in getting coffee the only thing that I want out of her is to be in a loving relationship and that is it it also hit me pretty hard emotionally and I was not strong enough to meet with her. So with my therapist I sent back a text message telling her that I was too busy to get coffee with her right now but I would love to talk with her on the phone and would be able to make time with that since that's way easier to do. She didn't respond and acted weird after that in (we also work together) since we work together I've been keeping everything professional I keep doing what I'm doing keeping my head up doing well at work and people are noticing. People have noticed that I've lost 80 pounds but I'm working out that I'm getting tons of customer compliments and I'm doing well at my job I'm healthier and happier and everyone sees it.

After not talking with her for about three weeks I ran into her and we should talk because I'm trying to keep her in the professional I just acted like it was no big deal and I acted pretty indifferent. I told her that breaking up with me was the best gift you ever gave me a give me fuel to find who I was and also help me realize what I had to change and obviously I was happy that I am the way I am now. I told her that I hope she's doing well and that I had noticed that she really hadn't been looking very good over the past couple of months that we had been separated, she had knowledge that she had been having a pretty hard time and she was getting through it.

A week later, she runs into me again and begins to get emotional, she tells me that she doesn't want to come crawling back to me because she needs me like she always does, that she wants to be able to want to be with me. I said ok and that I wasn't going to take back a broken person since she had pretty much described herself as that.

-Now, working with my therapist and reading all the books that I have been reading about how to handle it yourself I came off only as strong and confident and is caring I was not condescending Or mean in these past interactions.

There's no reason to be either of those things.

I've been trying to conduct myself in a kind and thoughtful manner with everything especially with her. I can't tell her that I am different, I can only show her and every one else by me improving my life and impacting others by my actions.

About two weeks later, she asks me if I'd like to meet up with her If I had a break, I told her that I was actually leaving in 30 minutes and I could talk. So she waited for me to meet her. I asked her what was on her mind and she told me that she wanted to see how I was and that she knew that my therapist said we should talk (I had mentioned it in the last conversation) I told her I was doing well, but she was the one who texted me, so she should tell me what's really going on. She bagan to cry, she told me "I don't want you to give up on me, and I don't want you to go away" she then started to tell me about she's beginning to wake up to slit of things. She told me "I'm 90/10 on being with you, there are times that all I want to do is be with you and see you, I know when you're working even if I don't see you in the building I can feel that you're here." She then started to unload every thing that she did wrong, she told me about how she took me for granted, lied, manipulated me, and put me on the back burner because she knew that I was weak and that I loved her. -she cried the whole time guys- I told her that "I did give up on her because I had too after she left and after I began to see how she mistreated me in a new light." She began to continue to tell me about her new personal awakening and how she wants to grow more like I have. We talked for about two hours, she initially told me that she could only talk for 30 mins.

The following weeks we had minimal contact. But her friends started talking to me more at work and hanging around me.

She had also started making an effort to take break with me and talk more. This whole time I have been keeping my composure and trying to be kind, accessible, honest, friendly and fun like I have always been.

She had told me about how she's so impressed with me, how I've grown mentally, have changed my body, how she misses my intellect and ability to focus to find answers and how jealous she is of the way my mind works on a different and higher level than hers, she told me that she misses talking with me and that she has always looked up to me.

We joked and laughed, it was nice, like old times. I know that connections like this are important.

Then Friday night.

She texted me, she was drunk and wasn't good to drive. I was out too and met up with her since she said she wasn't going any where for a while and that she wanted to talk.

I got to her car and she starts to talk about how I can't seem to get out of her thoughts. She then tells me that she was drunk and high. I told her that I was super disappointed since she had just been telling me about her growth and wanting to be a better person.

- I need to be honest with all my interactions guys, for others and myself-

She then spends about 3 hours balling into her hands, and bent over her knees in my car about how she hates herself, she hates what she's done to "us" and that I am her "person #1" she talked about how she still loved me, but she knew that she is a bad person and that she can't be with me because she doesn't love herself. She told me that she went out drank and got high to forget the pain and the guilt but it only goes away for a little bit and then it just comes back worse. I asked her if she was talking to a therapist and she said no, I asked her if she was talking to friends or family and she said no; and then cried so hard she was losing breath. She told me that I was the only person that she feels comfortable talking with and that she knows she's wrong for talking to me about it. I told her that I cared about her and it was ok, but she need to get help, she can't do this alone.

I have never witnessed any one cry like this in my entire life.

After talking and her sobering up, I told her that I would drive her home if she wasn't comfortable driving, or I would follow behind her in my car till she got home. She told me that it was ok that I followed her home.

About half way home, she called me balling, she asked if she could stay at our old place. I told her that it was ok and that I would slee on the couch. When we got back to my place (what used to be our place) she ran to our old room, threw herself on the bed and balled into a pillow. It was awful to see and hear.

She told me that she was so angry that she was at my place but she was also happy that I was able to talk with her. That night we slept, nothing sexual happend, not even any physical contact.

She slept, i made breakfast and coffee. When she was about to leave, she reached out and hugged me super tight and cried. I told her she was going to be okay and that she has a chance today to start new and begin her journey towards the person she wanted to become.

I slipped a note into her purse, it was a note just simply reminding her that if she had all the power to become the person that she wants to love. I asked her to keep it and read it when ever she felt like needing to escape, forget, or run from what she knows she has to do.

She texted me later that day and told me that she was "confused about herself, me, what happened last night, but she had a lot of time to think and it was good"

I reminded her that just because she stumbled the night prior didn't mean that she was bad, she just needs to remember that a new day brings new choices that we have to make in order to achieve what we want.

It's been a few days now, no real contact, she smiled at me at work and said hi when she walked past.

 

People are telling me that she is trying to figure out ways to get me to take her back, that she is tying to play a long fan of sorts.

But I do know is that I want the girl I fell in love with and not who she has slipped into being.

 

Sorry it was so long. I hope you guys can shed some light on this.

Is she trying to come back?

[Wiseman2]

True on/off relationships are usually about simply being lonely/missing someone but never having resolved anything.

 

This is why sustained no contact and blocking and deleting from all messaging apps and social media is essential to working on yourself to move forward without the distraction of 'wanna get coffee' only to get sucked back in and go backwards.

[nick1675]

I know that we need to resolve things. We have even talked about that. When we talked about it, she totally agreed. Perhaps that's why she kept bringing up how she wants to make sure she wants to come back but only if it's right.

[Jibralta]

For those of you who do not know an echo break up situation is one where a couple or together and break up several times each time they get back together the love is stronger feelings are better and everything feels great but deep-seated personal issues with any of them Cause them to break up again and again.

 

One of the lures of the on-again/off-again relationship is the intense emotional cycles. People almost seem to get addicted to these types of relationships, probably for that euphoric "make-up" swing, where love feels stronger and everything seems better than ever. It sounds like you are doing a lot of work on yourself and making great progress. I hope that you don't get flattered back into this relationship and undo all of that hard work. It's very important that you recognize where your responsibility ends. You may want to read up a little on codependency.

[nick1675]

getting back together with out understanding the issues is like trying to rebuild a section of a house that burned down with out tools. I want to break the cycle therapists talk about by growing. Is it possible that my growth may inspire her to look into herself to want lasting change?

Honestly I miss her. I want her back.

[nick1675]

I just got "codependent no more" for kindle and audible. Thank you for the suggestion

[Jibralta]

That's the one that I read. It was good.

[Wiseman2]

Good insight. Work on yourself for you. She may or may not notice or care or change herself. It doesn't matter. Accept that an improved you wouldn't tolerate shabby treatment or treadmill relationships.

getting back together with out understanding the issues is like trying to rebuild a section of a house that burned down with out tools.

[nick1675]

Good insight. Work on yourself for you. She may or may not notice or care or change herself. It doesn't matter. Accept that an improved you wouldn't tolerate shabby treatment or treadmill relationships.

 

In your opinion, does it seem like she is trying to start the process of trying to get me back? Trying to get the cycle to come full circle again?

I'm afraid that she hasn't grown, that she hasn't accepted the present situation and by that I mean that she hasn't understood yet exactly what she needs to do to grow.

[Wiseman2]

Why would you want an on/off cyclical situation? Waiting for to her to 'change' is a fool's errand, no?