Coming home to an empty house and a "dear john" le

[cameraguy]

On Tuesday night (3/30), my wife sat down to tell me she wasn't happy in our marraige and she wanted to leave me and take herself and the kids (7 and 4, the oldest is not mine) to Maine (I am in Florida) to stay with her friend (female, with two kids) for a while. She said she was going to leave on Friday. I pleaded with her not to do this, deep down knowing I wouldn't let her take my son away from me. So we talked, and talked, and talked. She wasn't sure what she was going to do. I guess I would find out Friday. So Thursday comes along and she went out that night with my friend and his wife to chat. She told them she was leaving tomorrow (Friday) and that she had made her mind up. I told her that she isn't taking my son out of the state and that I would go to court if I had to prevent it. On Friday she spoke with me in the morning. We discussed options and she said she was definitely going. the youngest one would end up staying with me. I pleaded with her to let the oldest one tay too, if not with me, with her mother, so he could finish the year at his own school. I never got an answer out of her on that.

 

About 3 hours later she called and said that she wanted to stay and work on things with me, and give it two months. I was ok with that. So I asked her if she gave notice at her job and she said yes. So I advised her to call back and get her job back.. I get home and she said that her boss wouldn't take her back. I wasn't thrilled, but she can get another job. So Friday night we went out to dinner to talk. We argued a bit in the car, but we got through it. Dinner went ok. We got the kids, went home, and went to bed. In the middle of the night I snuggled with her to maybe offer her some assurance of my wanting things to work out, which turned into some making out, which was nice.

 

So in the morning and gets up to go shopping with the kids and her mother. She kisses me goodbye and I head to do a photo assignment for a magazine (barrett jackson auto auction). I decided to come home early, I get back around 5 pm and find an empty house and a note left on the computer, saying she can't do it and was leaving for Maine, with BOTH kids. I freak, I call her and she was at Mcdonald's with the kids. I call her mother and we all coordinate for her and my in laws to come to my home to talk. We discuss things and my mother in law advises that my wife needs mental help. She's doing irrational things for attention and it's affecting everyone. So we convinced her to stay, but her and the kids are at my mother in laws, which I am content with. MY 4 year old is going to stay with me during the week though since his daycare is 4 suites down from my work.

 

Her reasons for wanting to separate:

 

1. I am too controlling. ( control all of the bills and money, and it drivers her nuts, but she hasn't shown any responsibility with finances when I have given her chances ).

2. I don't do enough around the house ( She said she is stuck doing dishes, laundry, cooking, etc. )

3. I intimidate her with my career and side jobs with photography because I brag about it (Wait, the money I make from that goes towards bills, so now I am a bad man for providing for my family?? someone shoot me!)

 

All of the items she is citing, I can work on. I told her I need her help to give me a kick in the butt with the household chores, but then she says "but I shouldn't have to". Give me a break, compromise here!

 

With the finances, I am willing to loosen my grips and show her how I do things, but also will get her her own bank account and have her keep money from her paycheck and she can do whatever she wants with it, maybe teach her some responsibility.

 

So those things I can work on. Here's some background though:

 

My wife has always had a problem with telling the truth, things got so bad that she got into a downward spiral where she didn't know what was truth or a lie anymore. She previously got sucked into a fantasy world on the internet, flirting and putting personal ads on the internet. She did act out on some kind of ad I believe with a guy in CT, she flew there to see a female friend of hers, but I soon found out she was hanging out with a guy while there, and lord knows what she did with him, but I forgave her..

 

I discovered these things because I had gut feelings and put a program on the home PC to log her keystrokes and sites she visited. I knew for a while and didn't know how to deal with it. We went to counseling last year and it helped tremendously.

 

Now, i'm not the best husband in the world either. I have a hobby that takes up some of my time, r/c car racing. I race in a circuit accross the state, and race usually once a month (which takes up a full weekend). I haven't been to a race in two months though. I skipped a race to stay home with my family. I also have photography stuff to do (I shot two weddings in March) that takes up time. I always have something going on. These are things I am willing to work on. I am willing to work on "me" but she seems to not want to bend.

 

But then the other night she drops the bomb that she's still mad because she feels I forced her to get her tubes tied. when my son was born, he was 1 month early. She had alot of complications. the oldest was born after 6 months into the pregnancy. Her body simply cannot handle another pregnancy. So I told her she needs to get her tubes tied or I would get a vasectomy, and she opted to get her tubes tied.

 

Her mother is going to get her help, she needs to figure "herself" out.

 

So she came over today and said she was sorry for what she did saturday and she recognizes she has problems and wants to get help. I need to stand my ground and not open my heart up to her. Maybe when she gets help and gets "her" worked out, maybe, MAYBE we could work on "us". But now I need to figure out of I want to be married to her anymore...

[CarterJonas]

Hey man I'm sorry to read about your problems,

 

I'm glad you are trying to work through them as your wife needs to think about the children as well as herself.

 

best of luck to you.

[kskm]

I don't have a lot of time to reply to this, there is so much to say, but I just wanted to say that you both need help. Go to a therapist. NOW! And she is right you do brag about your job which can be intimidating to people that are trying to be your equal. I say that you brag because you did in your forum. Telling all of us what you shot and where you went instead of just saying I am a photographer and leaving it at that. Be proud of your work but do not throw it in peoples faces. Sometimes people don't work out, but you both need to seek help and work things out.

[cameraguy]

I also forgot to mention my wife was unemployed for 1 month (got fired 2/14) and during that time, I worked extra hard to ensure that ends met, and I didn't get on her case about getting a job ONCE. I was supportive and even helped send her resume out to places for her from my dayjob.

 

The side work I do is something I am extremely proud of because I've worked hard to get where I am and the money I earn from it helps pay bills instead of putting money in my pocket to blow on stuff for me, which I feel is pretty un-selfish on my part. My wife doesn't see it that way though.

[kskm]

OK now I have more time.

 

First off it is not normal for your wife to be lying. To you, the children, her parents friends, or herself. Secondly that is what a relationship is about, being "one". So if someone doesn't have a job for some or any of that time, don't tell me that you didn't appreciate her being home with the children. I am sure she knows that you do more than a lot for your home to work, but she does also even if she's not bringing home the money. I hope that you told her that you appreciated all of the hard work and she told you as well. If you are trying to help your relationship you need to stop thinking from your stand point and try to think about it in her feet. she is probably ashamed of herself for not being as sucessful as you, and that may have begun the lying. Who knows, but this isn't fair to your children. Go to a therapist and get help, seriously.

[cameraguy]

You're wrong.. While she was unemployed, the kids stayed in daycare/aftercare (to not lose their spot). And she was home, looking for jobs online and going to interviews and such.

 

And the worst part was that I know she sat around the house doing nothing MANY times. I would come home on days to find no dinner made yet and the house a mess. That stuff angered me, but I didn't want to kick her while she's down.

 

And we went to counseling before, it helped for a while. But alot of the problems she has with me, I can fix myself. Things she has wrong, she needs deep therapy for. Her mother is going to get her help.

 

But I also believe there's someone else (not cheating, but someone she chats with) that I know/don't know about. So I am not sure what to make of all this. Maybe being apart is the best for all of us. My main concern right now is the kids and their well-being.

[kskm]

Maybe I was wrong to assume that she was doing something, but I think that we all deserve out "down time". I don't really know what you came on here looking for, advice I would hope and the advise I have given is to seek help- NOT JUST YOU. Even if you two don't stay together. But I think that you need to sit back and not just think about it from your poin of view but her's as well. Also if she does have someone that she regularly talks to- you don't nessessarly need to know about it. Unless it's a male and they are interested in persuing a relationship. If it's a friend so what. I have a few friends that I talk to and my boyfriend does too and I don't need to know what is said or when he sees them- trust. Everyone needs someone's unbyist opinion. In your relationship however it is gone. Just ask her if you are worried about it being something beyond friendship.

[justsweetgirl]

I would advise couples' counseling. You need a professional to weed out what is really at the heart of the matter. Why was she emailing, visiting another guy? Just when you think she is staying, you come home to an empty house. She sounds depressed, dependant, lonely and resentful. There are secrets and deception and children involved. You need to go all out to resolve this one.

[cameraguy]

She is going to get some help. Fortunately the company I work for has an excellent mental health program. My mother in law is going to get me all of the info tomorrow for the place my wife is going to be going for help (a really good Therapist). Once she has her inner demons worked out, maybe I can open myself up to work on "me and her"

 

Today feels like the "first day of the rest of my life".

 

My wife dropped our 4 yr old off at the pre school this morning and he now will be staying with me during the week. The moment we got in the car he says "where's mommy?"...

 

I just tell him that Mommy is staying at Grandma's and he said "I don't want to go there". Too cute, but somewhat scary.. I can't pinpoint the feeling I've got..

 

is it like "is this how it's going to be from now on?"

 

It's something I can't pinpoint yet, i'm not sure how I'm feeling right now.

[justsweetgirl]

You are feeling all kinds of things, all of which are normal. This is overwhelming, devastating, confusing, maddening - you name it. You need to speak with a professional, as well. So you can retain your sanity for your sake and the sake of the children. Don't think ahead too far. Concentrate on what needs to be done this hour. Small increments. Small accomplishments add up to big ones. Good luck.

[cameraguy]

true, and I was thinking of visiting the counselor we met with last year by myself, for some one-on-one sessions..

 

I am making the best of it with my 4 year old son. I made macaroni for dinner, because that's what he wanted. We then went to the store because I needed to get garage bags and a few odds and ends, then he said he wanted a hot wheels toy, so a hot wheels hauler, star wars light sabre, some zippy tire wheel thing, "thomas the train" shoes, new socks and underwear for him..

 

We were headed back home

 

And he's still playing with the toys right now, even though I've told him to get in bed 3 times now I'll let it slide for about another 20 minutes....

[justsweetgirl]

Considering everything that's going on, I'd say you are doing remarkably well. Keep everything as normal as possible for the kids. Especially to keep the mommy questions to a minimum. And children thrive on routine, as you well know.

[cameraguy]

Looks like things came to a head.

 

A friend of my wife's was coaxed (by my wife) into IMing me 3 nights ago, pretending to be a divorced mother in my town, trying to flirt.

 

I took it hook, line, and sinker, only I didn't flirt, I needed a friend and vented for 2 nights all of my feelings to this person.

 

I guess her conscience got the best of her and she came clean, telling me alot of stuff, like my wife is using the stuff wrong with me as a scapegoat to leave me for another man...

 

I don't deserve this.. I'm a good person with a good heart...

[avman]

cameraguy,

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this right now. To be honest, it doesn't sound like your wife has any idea what she wants in her life right now. Maybe she's going through a mid-life crisis. But one thing is clear, your first priority needs to be the children.

 

I'd file for an emergency restraining order preventing your wife from taking the children out of the state. Once she removes them, the chances of you getting them back is slim to none. Do it BEFORE she leaves if you want to have any hope of not disrupting their whole lives. Your wife seems very unstable right now and perhaps isn't the best primary caregiver while she sorts out her life.

[cameraguy]

I am taking care of that already, i'm one step ahead of you.

[avman]

Good plan. I'm very happy to see a father who is concerned about the welfare of his children.

 

Perhaps there is a divorced fathers support group in your area that you can check out. They can offer some emotional and practical help as you go through this process. You don't have to go through this alone.

[cameraguy]

That's exactly what I need to find...

 

Do you know of any resources? I am near Fort Lauderdale, FL

[avman]

Try these resources:

 

link removed

Parents Helping Parents Support Group: 305-624-7450 (Miami)

link removed

Divorced and Separated Help: 561-451-2312 (Boca Raton)

American Coalition for Fathers and Children: 800-978-DADS (National)

National Center for Men: 516-942-2020 (National)

 

If these don't work let us know and we'll try to look up some more resources to help you.

[cameraguy]

Thanks!

[igotapregnantwifeand4dogs]

wow. she sounds like one of my x's.

I'm also from Lauderdale. (i moved to central fl)Also an old time photographer. Getting decent work in your field is difficult, and you should be very proud of it. If you don't brag about your work, then others may never see it! It seems that is one of her many excuses. Obviously she's got some issues, and I'm surprised that you haven't left her, before she left you. This may seem like a weird statement, but..congrats!

Congrats cause she's a liar and cheat. I don't take delight in the failure of your marriage, I delight knowing that she was screwed up and left you, and that you can and will do better. (much)

 

I wouldn't take her back, you deserve a mature woman with morals and a future.

 

As far as counseling or support goes... check out Calvary Chapel on Cypress creek rd (almost to 31st)..see if you can make an appointment with Pastor Bob.

 

man this ticks me off, she sounds like one of my x's. The best thing that ever happened to me is that she left me. I too was blind and forgiving,a nd looking back on it am thankfull she left before any children came into the picture.

 

Stay single as long as possible and enjoy yourself dating again after the divorce. Take your time and a good woman will find you. She will be heaven sent!

 

good luck with your career, if I come back to Lauderdale maybe we can brag to each other about our work. You have at least two gifts from GOD. Your child and your eye.

 

many blessings, Jamie