Opinions on risky text message

[RyanJoseph]

To keep things simple, my ex and I broke up 6 weeks ago, after near 4 years together. I'm 19 she's almost 21. It came as a shock to me, even though now in hindsight I see that it shouldn't have been.

 

At first I made all the usual mistakes, not giving her space, messaging her heaps (with stupidly long and emotional messages), trying to win her back etc.

 

The way she acted after the breakup made it seem like she was partly confused about how she felt, and made it evident that she still has emotion for me, though I am certain she knows how she feels now, even if there is emotion there.

 

I asked her 6 days ago whether she could see us getting back together in the future, like 12 months time or something like that, or if how she used to feel about me is gone

 

She replies 'idk, if I'm still in the mind frame I am at the moment probably not

 

I ask 'what mind frame is that? That you want to figure out what makes you happy? That you want to be single and enjoy your youth without me? What exactly is the mind frame you're in? I truly still don't understand fully'

 

She replies '(ex-bf) it's the mind frame that the two of us don't work...single and finding myself or not we weren't and will continue not to work. I'm sorry it's just what I've come to realise thinking about it. I truly am sorry

 

I then spout off some more long messages and what not explaining how I feel that we can work, it would just take effort and to start anew, how relationships are all about work, that we both know how happy we can make each other, how deeply I care, and how id be willing to start over entirely, but it's up to her to make that decision now or in the future. I tell her that I hope one day her opinion of 'us' changes because I know I could be the one to make her happy and be by her side through anything & that I'd give her the world. I end with 'I guess what is meant to be will be hey?'

To all of that she responds 'Yeah I guess so'

 

Now it's been 6 days since those messages. We haven't spoken at all since then.

 

3 days ago it would've been our 4th anniversary so I got her some flowers, a gift (which I'd bought 3 weeks earlier, before I knew how she felt) & wrote her a card (which just said things about the time we've shared together & how the flowers and the gift were to make her smile, nothing more than that), then left all this on her doorstep. She didn't contact me at all following this.

 

In the situation right now I know that I seem very clingy and dire to get her back, but in a way I'm not. I know I don't need her, I simply want her, I'm doing well without her in my life, I just know that she's the person I want to spend my life with.

However, I do want want advice on why I should or should not send the message I've written. Reading through everything I wrote above I feel I shouldn't send it and just stay NC and keep working on myself as I have been, that sending it now would be stupid because she doesn't miss me and only sees the clingy-ness and emotion and will not see anything more than that, but I want to hear everybody's opinions regardless

 

The message:

"You know what, **** it.

I get why you’re in the mind frame that we won't work, that makes sense right now. What we had was **** towards the end, i was **** towards the end, and I see why you left.

I never, ever want to go back to that.

And that’s exactly why 'we won't work' doesn't mean anything. We can work, we have worked in the past, and we've worked very well, judging an entire relationship and person on the worst parts will always lead you to a negative outcome

The only difference between never working again and having an amazing relationship is whether you're willing to take the risk to let me show you I can share something beautiful with you, and put in the effort to make it happen.

Take the risk to completely start over, and I'll give you a relationship that'll make everyone envious

I'm not going to be who I was when we broke up ever again, nor will I be the same person that i am now in 6 months’ time. I'm putting in the effort to become a better version of me, without the flaws, and that won’t just stop if we were to try again. I need you to realise that before ruling things out with me entirely.

I promise you, if you do not take that risk at some stage, you will regret it in the end. I know what i bring to the table, i know what i can give, i simply want you to be the only woman to receive what im capable of

Do whatever you want (ex-gf), just know that emotions and ideas are fluid. People (including yourself) are always changing, and you're always going to have to work around these changes in any relationship, you simply need to find the person that makes working for it worth it, and for me that person is you. I'm not going to wait forever, there’s only so much a guy can be ignored before he withdraws, and like I said, you will regret not taking the chance at some point.

Have a nice day"

 

Thank you all for reading

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You started dating when you were 15 and she was 17? It sounds like you grew apart during this transition from being kids/teens to being young adults.

 

Why did you break up? Were there arguments or did she go away to college? You were both tied down way way too young for way way too long.

 

The best thing you can do is no contact and delete and block her. Being clingy and stalking her will turn her off for good.

 

Take time off by yourself to reflect and get back involved in your own life. Work, school, family, friends. Develop a self improvement plan. Work out, get new clothes, a new hair cut, join some clubs or groups or volunteer somewhere.. Enjoy your freedom, notice other girls.

To keep things simple, my ex and I broke up 6 weeks ago, after near 4 years together. I'm 19 she's almost 21.

She replies it's the mind frame that the two of us don't work...single and finding myself or not we weren't and will continue not to work. 3 days ago I got her some flowers, a gift & wrote her a card then left all this on her doorstep. She didn't contact me at all following this.

[snr]

My advise (and most other people on here) - don't send it.

 

You've already made it quite clear that you want to get back with her, and you've already addressed the matter with her at least twice. I assume it's harder to let go if you think she's wavering in her decision but I think pressing the matter will do you (and any potential chance you have) no good. If she is questioning her decision, she needs the time and space to think it through. Even if you think you're not still at the needy and clingy stage, I imagine she will likely still think that you are (tried desperately to get her back, asked her less than a week ago if there was a chance, anniversary flowers and now this letter?).

 

At this moment at time, she doesn't think you can work and there isn't probably a single thing you can say or do to change that (as much as I'm sure you wish there was), other than by giving her the opportunity to realise that she's made a mistake on her own which might takes days, months, years or maybe never happen.

 

Best advise everyone on here will give you is to go no contact. It sucks, it will hurt, it will be hard and you might fail once or twice but the longer you stick to it, the easier the breakup becomes. And if you do things right and start to enjoy living a life without them in it, things will work out for the best (whether she comes waltzing back into your life or you meet someone far better).

[J Miracle]

By attempting to convince her to stay with you, your only tarnishing your dignity and degrading your self respect. Anything you have to say, say it in a journal. She doesnt want to hear, nor does she care about your expressions.

 

Do you want to look back and remember this experience as a moment of weakness? It will hurt, and that's fine. But regarding her, you have to vanish completely. You'll look back in 6 months and be happy with how you handled yourself.

 

Take it on the chin, no more for her.

[Birdie]

No do not send that message.

 

Respect her wishes and leave her be.

 

Your message is mostly about you and you telling her what she should do/feel/regret....but that's her decision. She knows how she feels and motivation behind her decisions, you don't get to tell her she's wrong for that.

 

You only seem to be viewing things from your perspective. This message comes off as disrespectful and condescending towards her.

 

Breakups sucks and they hurt, a lot. Stay NC and focus on healing/moving forward.

[RyanJoseph]

Sorry to hear this. You started dating when you were 15 and she was 17? It sounds like you grew apart during this transition from being kid/teens to being young adults.

 

Why did you break up? Were there arguments or did she go away to college? You were both tied down way way too young for way way too long.

 

The best thing you can do is no contact and delete and block her. Being clingy and stalking her will turn her off for good.

 

Take time off by yourself to reflect and get back involved in your own life. Work school family friends. Develop self improvement plan. Work out, get new clothes, a new hair cut join some g clubs or groups or volunteer somewhere..

We broke up for a lot or reasons. Largely because of the way I was treating her, because of how I felt about myself, and because we'd grown apart over the last 3-4 months. We'd always been a strong couple, even after a few mistakes on my part. I don't feel either of us were ever tied down in a sense, but I see what you're saying with that.

I'm in the process of bettering myself now

 

My advise (and most other people on here) - don't send it.

 

You've already made it quite clear that you want to get back with her, and you've already addressed the matter with her at least twice. I assume it's harder to let go if you think she's wavering in her decision but I think pressing the matter will do you (and any potential chance you have) no good. If she is questioning her decision, she needs the time and space to think it through. Even if you think you're not still at the needy and clingy stage, I imagine she will likely still think that you are (tried desperately to get her back, asked her less than a week ago if there was a chance, anniversary flowers and now this letter?).

 

At this moment at time, she doesn't think you can work and there isn't probably a single thing you can say or do to change that (as much as I'm sure you wish there was), other than by giving her the opportunity to realise that she's made a mistake on her own which might takes days, months, years or maybe never happen.

 

Best advise everyone on here will give you is to go no contact. It sucks, it will hurt, it will be hard and you might fail once or twice but the longer you stick to it, the easier the breakup becomes. And if you do things right and start to enjoy living a life without them in it, things will work out for the best (whether she comes waltzing back into your life or you meet someone far better).

I think now that I've read through things again that you're entirely right, sending this will do no good, nothing will change her mind now except time, if it ever happens.

I will definitely stick to NC, it will at least not make things worse.

[RyanJoseph]

By attempting to convince her to stay with you, your only tarnishing your dignity and degrading your self respect. Anything you have to say, say it in a journal. She doesnt want to hear, nor does she care about your expressions.

 

Do you want to look back and remember this experience as a moment of weakness? It will hurt, and that's fine. But regarding her, you have to vanish completely. You'll look back in 6 months and be happy with how you handled yourself.

 

Take it on the chin, no more for her.

I will do just that, thank you. I don't want to make myself look weaker to her than I already do

 

No do not send that message.

 

Respect her wishes and leave her be.

 

Your message is mostly about you and you telling her what she should do/feel/regret....but that's her decision. She knows how she feels and motivation behind her decisions, you don't get to tell her she's wrong for that.

 

You only seem to be viewing things from your perspective. This message comes off as disrespectful and condescending towards her.

 

Breakups sucks and they hurt, a lot. Stay NC and focus on healing/moving forward.

Posts like this are the reason I made this thread, I never viewed it like this at all and probably would never have unless I got outside advice. Thank you heaps for your insight

[Birdie]

Kudos to you OP, you're taking advice very maturely.

[snr]

I think now that I've read through things again that you're entirely right, sending this will do no good, nothing will change her mind now except time, if it ever happens.

I will definitely stick to NC, it will at least not make things worse.

 

Good lad. Honestly for me at least the hardest thing was to not message my ex all hours of the day with very similar messages to yours. Whilst you're doing NC, I'd recommend keeping a journal/ still write out those imaginary letters as it's quite cathartic and will help you work through the pain. It also helps you see the progress you make when you re-read them a few weeks down the line. Best of luck.

[RyanJoseph]

Good lad. Honestly for me at least the hardest thing was to not message my ex all hours of the day with very similar messages to yours. Whilst you're doing NC, I'd recommend keeping a journal/ still write out those imaginary letters as it's quite cathartic and will help you work through the pain. It also helps you see the progress you make when you re-read them a few weeks down the line. Best of luck.

That's definitely it! It does get way easier every day though, and my journal is almost full since you mention it! Writing makes things a thousand times easier because I can say what I want to her, without actually having to send the messages.

 

I think now I've moved into a stage where I'm not simply lonely, and not stressed about her being with other people, or just longing for her attention. I know I truly do just want to be with her, regardless of what happens in the future. For me that is making things easier, because I know that if the feelings I'm having now persist then I wouldn't be rushing to get back with her for the sake of getting back with her, if the chance does ever arise, which would be something that makes a massive difference in the long term.

I guess I just want her to know that, but not think that I'm only saying it because of emotion, if that makes sense?

 

Anyway I'll try my best to move on and keep going the way I am. She still cares about me and I guarantee she won't cut me out if I tried to talk to her again in 6+ months time if I still feel the same, our bond is/was very strong and she does love me as a person, she said so herself. Just need to show her that trying again would be worth it, rather than tell her. For that I need to truly be worth it, and not squander my chances of getting my foot in the door by sending messages like the one I wrote above.

Time really is my best friend yet my worst enemy right now

[snr]

That's definitely it! It does get way easier every day though, and my journal is almost full since you mention it! Writing makes things a thousand times easier because I can say what I want to her, without actually having to send the messages.

 

I think now I've moved into a stage where I'm not simply lonely, and not stressed about her being with other people, or just longing for her attention. I know I truly do just want to be with her, regardless of what happens in the future. For me that is making things easier, because I know that if the feelings I'm having now persist then I wouldn't be rushing to get back with her for the sake of getting back with her, if the chance does ever arise, which would be something that makes a massive difference in the long term.

I guess I just want her to know that, but not think that I'm only saying it because of emotion, if that makes sense?

 

Anyway I'll try my best to move on and keep going the way I am. She still cares about me and I guarantee she won't cut me out if I tried to talk to her again in 6+ months time if I still feel the same, our bond is/was very strong and she does love me as a person, she said so herself. Just need to show her that trying again would be worth it, rather than tell her. For that I need to truly be worth it, and not squander my chances of getting my foot in the door by sending messages like the one I wrote above.

Time really is my best friend yet my worst enemy right now

 

Exactly. I used to write in it about 3-4 times a day, but now it's more like 1-2 times a week.

 

That's definitely a good sign that you're starting to move on. Honestly I understand where you're coming from but it's highly unlikely that she'd see it that way at all, especially since it's coming somewhat unexpectedly from you (versus say that she mentioned wanting to retry and then you talking to her about your thoughts on the matter). Unfortunately in a lot of cases it doesn't matter what you say, it just inevitably pushes them further away especially in cases where they're unsure themselves. I was talking to a friend of mine who dumped their partner and eventually went crawling back and she said that she struggled because he kept saying that he respected her decision and supported her but then kept messaging her every now and again and she said in the end she ended up hating him for a while because he wouldn't leave her be (so ended up making it worse for them). Eventually think they were in NC for over a year, they'd both dated a string of people before she realised that she'd messed up.

 

That's all you really can do at the moment. I'd say though make sure you use this time to look after yourself and do things for yourself rather than with the hopes of trying to win her back. Not saying give up hope, but make sure that you're your number 1 priority, that way if she does come back you'll genuinely be a better person for it and if she doesn't, you're in a good enough place that you can live with that.