Breakup Help :(

[NYGirl91]

Hi everyone,

 

My boyfriend and I broke up at the end of January. We were dating for 3.5 years, and had just moved in together last June. We were so happy, and had no real problems until the end of 2016, or so I thought. The apartment that we had moved into in June lost the gas connection starting in August, so from then until the beginning of November, we lived with no hot water, stove or oven. Finally, I said that we needed to break our lease and find somewhere else to live, because there was no telling on when we'd get anything of this back, and the weather was starting to get cold. He seemed to start pulling away then, because he wasn't good at handling stressful situations especially when they had to do with money, so he would have rather stayed in our apartment and just pay less rent.

 

We moved to a new apartment at the beginning of November, and I thought things were getting better! Nope. I was so wrong. On New Years Day, we got into the biggest fight to date, when he finally told me that he was unhappy and didn't know how to fix it, but that he wanted us to go back to how things were when we first started dating (almost 4 years ago.....). This was the first time that he was honest with me, so of course I took it seriously, and busted my butt all through January to make sure our relationship was improving. I was constantly stressed and upset (felt like I was walking on eggshells), because he was so mean as he watched me suffer, it’s almost as if he got some sick pleasure from watching me freak out because I think in his head he had already checked out. Another thing to mention is how for Christmas, his gift to me for Christmas and my birthday was that he was going to take us on vacation this year….aka he got away with getting me nothing. I had these feelings that he was talking with a girl he worked with behind my back, especially after she texted him at 11:45p one night, which freaked me out, so I went through his phone (something I had never done and something I’m not proud of at all). While there was nothing incriminating, it was so obvious that he was channeling all his niceness into talking to her instead of me. By the third week of January, I had had enough and I went home to my parents for the weekend to think and clear my head. I texted him the day I was coming back telling him we needed to talk about everything and he agreed and when I arrived back home, there were flowers and a card from him saying that he loved me and he was sorry that he hadn’t been putting in the same effort that I had been, and that he wanted to fight for us because he didn’t want to lose me. So, to me this was a good thing, and what I had been waiting for from him! The week went along fine, although he was still being kind of weird, I took his note as his grand gesture to work on us and fight for us. The following weekend, we went out for dinner and a movie on Saturday night (Friday he came home drunker than I’d ever seen him, after leaving his work bag, computer, and keys at a bar with his work friends), and I thought we had a pretty nice night, even though he was being kind of weird, which by that point was pretty normal for him and our dynamic). After the movie (during which he cried…he cried a lot in Janaury), we went home and were getting ready for bed, when he comes into the bathroom and says to me “I’m going to be really busy at work in February, and I’m not going to have time to dedicate to working on this relationship like I need to be, so I think we should separate for the month and then start again in March.” This really upset me, because the last thing we needed was time apart, especially given he was already working 6 days a week and we barely saw each other as it was. So, I said no, that’s not a solve. And he freaked out, and said to me that this is why he never says anything, because whenever he does I just get irrationally upset. I said that wasn’t true, but that this was a bad idea because separating for a month is not a solve. He starts pacing the apartment, and says he is having a panic attack, and leaves to take a walk around the neighborhood. I think at that point I realized that I could not continue in this life if things weren’t going to change. He comes back about 30 minutes later, and says he feels better, and goes to sleep. The next morning, he wakes up at 8ish to go to the gym, and comes back about 2 hours later and tells me that he’s going to spend the day at his old apartment. Around noon, he texts me to say he’s going to dinner with his uncle sat 6, and that he won’t be coming home before then. So, I call him and I tell him that him choosing to spend his one day a week that he’s not a work away from me especially when things were as bad as they were is really telling, so if this is how it’s going to be, then I wanted to move forward with breaking our lease. He said okay. I hung up, and cried myself to sleep. Around 4:30, I wake up to him coming home. He comes into the bedroom, sits down and without looking at me, tells me that “he’s not happy, he hasn’t been happy in a long time, and no longer feels butterflies when coming home” and of course after me prompting him, says that we should figure out how to break our lease. So we talk a little, and he goes to dinner with his uncle. He comes back and sees my friend and I sitting on the couch talking and asks “if he should leave.” Um yea, obviously you should leave. My friend leaves and he comes back and lays down on our bed next to me and keeps trying to hug and kiss me and cries and tells me that he still loves me and still wants to see me. And then asks if I want him to sleep on the couch, to which I obviously said yes. He ended up staying at his friends apt instead that night, and I haven’t seen him since. But we’ve had to text about breaking the lease and such (of course he’s making me pay for a portion of the fee..), and it’s been really hard, and he’s said really mean things about me being a bully and how I’ve “bossed him around for years.” He’s 26 years old…how are you bossed around at that age? Also, if I didn’t make decisions, nothing would ever get done because he couldn’t make a decision ever. I moved home to my parents on valentines day, and while some days I feel okay, most I feel like complete trash. I just cant seem to be happy again. I know in the long run, this will be a good thing, but I just do not feel it right now, and it feels like I’m slipping deeper into a black hole. Is he really happier without me? How do I stop thinking about him and what he’s doing and who he is seeing and wondering if he’s already moved on? I feel like I don’t even know him anymore because he’s treating me like a completely stranger. I’m falling apart and having such a hard time being excited and even not upset about anything...how do I help myself? I just don't want to feel like this anymore but i feel like I'm worth nothing and that he just threw me away after almost 4 years together

 

Update: Can officially start NC today. I sent him the bill for the electricity because I was no longer living in the apartment. He prorated it down and said I owed $22.73 from a $100 bill. Are you kidding me? Is this so childish?

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you severed all ties. That will jump start the healing and moving forward. Send the 22.73 and be done with him.

Update: Can officially start NC today. I sent him the bill for the electricity because I was no longer living in the apartment. He prorated it down and said I owed $22.73 from a $100 bill. Are you kidding me? Is this so childish?

Replied more in depth to your similar post 530650&p=6767303&viewfull=1#post6767303"]

[Betterwithout]

Sounds like child. At least now you don't have to be Mom to him.

 

Send him $22.73 along with a new light bulb.

[Michele32]

Hi there. I can empathize completely with this. I went(am going) through the exact same thing. I've yet to understand how someone can "forget" about you after so much time together. But what I do know is time is your best friend and your worst enemy.

 

You'll be ok and make it out of this. There will be good days there will be bad days but right now it's all about you. What he's doing or how he's feeling is irrelevant.

 

Out of sight out of mind is definitely best. I choose to be around positive people who make me happy and it makes me so grateful for their friendship and support and compassion. Be honest and open with your feelings. Take advantage of friends and vent when you need to.

 

Go through the storm head on and know you will be ok. Don't deny any feelings - know when something is a feeling and it will pass and you will be ok again.

 

I've got inspiration from friends or women who are strong. It makes me want to be a better person and to handle myself in a certain way.