Boyfriend has dissappeared after massive anxiety attack- please some advice!!!!

[Gloria234]

Hi,

I have been seeing a guy for around 3 months.

It was all love and intense from the beginning with serious intentions. He had just moved to my hometown from Chile and it is his first time in Europe.

We travelled together, called each other love and had beautiful times together.

He always worked a bit more for it then I did, but this changed when we spent an amazing New Year together, in which we decided to make it official and he asked me to meet his parents in Chile. He asked me to be careful with his heart. Unfortunately at the same time, his job situation got quite desperate, he started to struggle to pay his rent, working at a cafe and his applications got rejected. He started to say he feels like a and like a baby. One night he cried in my arms and we planned our holiday for next winter, then he started to get jealous at my flatmate, so very emotional.

 

The days afterwards I had a family problem and I said I had to be away the weekend, I asked him if he could call me but he was at work. When we finally chatted he kept leaving the chat, though it was a serious matter to me. So I said to him this conversation wasnt working for me and got angry, which he did not understand. The next days we messaged as normal. We talked about future travels and I also mentioned I might want to travel to Bulgaria by myself the time he would go to a party in Chile. I figured he would be away for 2 weeks so I might distract myself with a nice travel. The next day we texted as normal, but when I arrived and called him, he seemed quite distant. We still had phone sex. His cafe schedule changed to the 5 am shift and he was very tired, which I fully understood. I went to meet my friends in the pub and partied. He texted me Good Night and I only replied at 2 am. The next day when we saw each other he asked me where I was and was very distant, critial of everything I said.

 

He talked about travelling suddenly without me and when we had sex it was intense as always but not very loving. He made fun of me when I mispronounced a Chilean word. I told him I might want to quit my job (I have avery good job), which requires me travelling a lot. He had to get up at 7 to work on the sunday and we kissed goodbye as always. Two days later I asked him what he was doing and he was writing job applications, I told him I was meeting my friend in the pub. I later texted him when I came home that it was a good night, I saw he read that text in the middle of the night. He called me at 6.30 am in the morning on his day off, then asked me if I want to come to his place. I was still sleeping so only saw it at 9 when I woke up. I texted back yes but suddenly he ignored me. Then I called him, and he ignored me. He ignored me the whole day, and when I asked him if he was angry at me, he texted back No,I fell asleep, then dissappreaed again. This has the beginning of a really terrible time. The next day I went to his cafe. He was surprised to see me, though embarrassed that I saw him working in the cafe. He told me he wanted to be alone the day before, because he started to have massive anxiety and stress about the job search, he would not even want to talk with his friends about this and hated every second of working in this cafe and started to want to kill people there. He said he was worried he would never find a job and be in this terrible situation forever and almost cried.

 

Then he asked me if I wanted to quit my job for him, as he said I should not give up my career for something as bad financially as he had now. He also said that sometimes he felt like he could not be the grown up partner I want him to be sometimes (he is two years younger), then he dissappeared. I told him I did not want a random generic idea of a partner, but him to be my boyfriend. He replied, ‘But I am your boyfriend’. He said he wanted to go home now to sleep, to get up at 6 the next day. I said I thought he was really strong and we kissed as tenderly as always. He then said that he needed space to solve these financial problems and that he needed more space as usual for that. He said even if we would do something that evening, he would not be able to invite me. Throughout the week we kept communicating as always, then on Sunday he contacted me and said he had a crazy idea going on a mountain climb adventure to the highest mountain on Alps and he would start to save more money for that. Then a few days later he called me really happy and loving, normal, saying he got a job interview. We wrote as always.

 

He got the job and was very happy and at a party. he asked me where I was, but by coincidence I was out and only texted him back later at night. I was of course very happy and said I was looking forward to celebrate with him tomorrow. The next day I texted him a funny sexy picture and asked him when we would meet as we alaways met on fridays. He completely ignored me. The next days I texted him, Is every thingthing ok? That is when he replied and called me my little girl. He said he had been working in the cafe. he did not reply to my questions where the job was and which company. A week later of normal texting I asked him what his job was as it was weird I didnt know it. He told me and I suspect he thought I would not think it was good enough or he had not been sure if he would not decide to go back to Chile. He said he had to buy new clothes for it and was really stressed as it was in a foreign language. Also he still had to work at the weekends 10 hour days to finance the rent of his (very depressing) small room. I asked him if he needed some help picking the clothes and he went silent. I said to him that this dynamic cannot stay, that he made me feel uncomfortable like that. He said I know that, but that we should give it time. I asked him if there was someone else in his life or if he was angry at my close male friend texting me (which was an issue before) and if so, that this was riduclous as I dont have feelings for him . He said in response he just needs time to think. That was a week ago and I find it really hard. No text, not even the usual 'Good morning'. Obviously he had massive anxiety, stress, but to dissappear like that after this beautiful love? I dont really question his love actually, but I am worried that this is just over and this dissappearing is just the sign of the end. I wonder if we can get out of this strange place. My friends say it is an extreme situation and I should remain calm and not panic, but let him sort out his life.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like very poor communication. To be honest it sounds bizarre that all you text about is his job,etc. and keep missing each others texts, after only 3 mos. of dating.

 

Sadly the whole thing sounds like good sex but a chaotic mess. Stay no contact so he can 'think'. He just wants to get his job together and doesn't have time for dating. Also he sounds a bit crazy with "saving for climbing mountains in the Alps" but can't pay rent?

 

This isn't an anxiety attack, it's a breakup after a few mos of chaotic communication and some good sex.

he felt like he could not be the grown up partner I want him to be sometimes He then said that he needed space to solve these financial problems and that he needed more space as usual for that. I asked him what his job was as it was weird I didnt know it. he still had to work at the weekends 10 hour days to finance the rent of his. He said in response he just needs time to think. That was a week ago and I find it really hard.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds to me like he is hiding something or someone.

 

You two manage to miss communicating with and seeing each other an awful lot, and his priorities are completely out of whack. As Wiseman pointed out - he cannot pay rent on a room, but is saving to climb a mountain. That doesn't make sense.

 

I'm also an expat and I live in Europe now, so I do absolutely understand that living abroad can be stressful. But something about your description of him makes me wonder how honest he's being with you. The details of his current situation are a little fishy and he disappears a little too regularly. Now he's going to be off the radar for an undetermined length of time. Odd. How much do you know about his life back in Chile? How long has he been in your country, and how old are you both?

 

Honestly, I think you need to let this guy go. It's too much work and it's only been a couple of months. I don't see how this will end well for you.