My Story.

[jadedsoyoung]

I met my boyfriend or T when I was 16 he was 31. I grew up in a very neglective environment and he was just the coolest guy ever. He drank and used drugs. I lost my virginity to him and dated him, hiding it from my family. They found out and feaked, of course.

 

But I stayed with him behind their backs again. He was addicted to crystal meth and was invovled in a big drug bust. He went trough rehab and I became pregnant. I told my family and they freaked, again. But with him being clean and treating me well (or so I said) they calmed down about it.

 

As soon as the baby was born and we lived together he became verbally abusive and started using again. He spent thousands of dollars a month on crack and would spend our rent and food money. He would blame this behavior on me saying I didn't take good enough care of the house or him.

 

He enventually stopped using crack and started on meth again. He would stay up for a week, out in the garage playing on the computer or having druggie friends over. He would go through down periods where he would sleep for days. During these times he would yell at me, throw things, push me, and a couple times he chocked me and held me against the wall. This was all in front of our child.

 

I left him and went to a transition house but after I moved into my new place I let him stay with me until he found a new place. He stopped using and we got back together. Of course, stupid me, he was still using and right now I am back in the same situation as before but worse. We spent all my student loan and I have no income of my own until June. I am dependant on him. I am afraid that I won't leave him when I get my own money.

 

I find so much comfort in him and he is a good dad. There a many good things that I am not saying but a lot more bad things I am not saying either. I fell so alone. I just want to talk to someone who doesn't think I am crazy and I don't have to defend myself to.

[Avalon23199]

"I find so much comfort in him and he is a good dad."

 

"He would go through down periods where he would sleep for days. During these times he would yell at me, throw things, push me, and a couple times he chocked me and held me against the wall. This was all in front of our child. "

 

You say he is a good dad, but yet he will yell at you and be very physically abusive to you in front of your child? What is that teaching your child?

 

Where are you parents in all of this? Would they be willing to help you out? Have you thought about contacting a women's help group for help getting out of your situation? You and that child do not need to be in this situation. Please, look into your options!

[Lily04]

Wow. Well this is not a good situation to be in. You need financial help, and for your own good health & well-being shouldn't be with this man. I think you know this yourself, but out of desperation and guilt perhaps, feel the need to stay with him. Can your family help support you at all? And referring to the above quote, he is certainly not a 'good dad', and you deserve someone who will be honest about himself, and will love you and take care of you. You deserve someone better who will not abuse you, and potentially your child.

 

I think you should get some financial help and counselling, perhaps from the transition house if they offer it. You should have goals in your life, perhaps a career path in mind... I realize having a child is a big step especially being so young. But I think you need to get your life back on track and perhaps counselling can help. I don't really know what else to say, but perhaps there's other people here who have been in similar situations who can reply or offer advice. Keep in touch, and I wish you all the best!

 

Take care,

 

Lily

[ghozt]

well you might not be able to get away from him in june but you can do some thing that will help

 

1 if he abuses you agin call the cops

2 if he dose drugs in front of the kid or you call the cops

3 make as much efort as you can to get out

4 try to never go bakc if you do get away

5 if nothing else will help try to go bakc to your parents

[sonjam]

Horrible situation you got yourself into girl. I think one of the things you are not saying, is you have been using too, but now you want out, you want a better life for yourself and your child, but you are affraid if you get your hands on money, he will talk you into another binge and you will not be able to help yourself. Before you know it, the money is gone again, and you are still stuck.

 

I totally understand.

 

Best thing I can think of to do is to leave, before the money comes. Get out of the whole scene, surround yourself with people who does not have anything to do with drugs, or him for that matter, that way you will not be tempted back into the old routine. You will have the chance you are so desperately looking for. I know it's hard to leave with nothing, but I'm sure you have people you could turn to, even if it is a shelter.

 

Stop kidding yourself that he's a good dad. He's not. Being nice once in awhile does not make you a good dad, or mom for that matter. Please think of the damage you are cousing yourself and your child. If you can't help, call somebody to help him, but it has to start somewhere.

[cleverme123]

Good dads don't beat up their child's mother in front of them. A child that sees this repetatively will learn to do the same. If he is hooked on drugs you will never know how he really treats you. Verbal abuse escalates with drugs use and so does physical violence. You need to be in a safe house or transition house and there are ones where he can not find you.

 

Let me just be the first to cut the crap and tell you what happens in these situations. Not only does it escalate but there will come a time it gets worse. For me the violence was daily we got arrested daily, I was in the hospital every other day. I got pregnant and he abandon me and me daughter after punching me in the stomach I lost the other baby I was carrying. I went through 2 years of my daughter being a complete nightmare she mimic ed his behavior. Very violent. My situation ended not because the drug use not because he beat me, those were things I let him do. But he tried to kill us both. I retaliated and wound up stabbing him excessively within inches of his life. I got a break charges were filed but due to battered womens syndrome I got probation, no jail time. I went to a safe house and started over. You go now or you will not be able to recover from what he does next. Take my warning I have been there and I made it. I went from nothing to having everything with a child. It is possible to make it without him. Hopefully you dont wait til its too late.

[justsweetgirl]

I, myself, find no comfort in listening to you describe his abusive behaviors. I know you spent time in a transitional home, but what about counseling? You are a victim of domestic violence and your brain has been rewired - by your abuser - to believe you are, in part, responsible for the abuse and him. This is typical. This is one of the many irrational things abusers say to make you stay. He is not a good role model for your son or a reliable, loving partner for you. Do not feel sorry for him; he is responsible for his choices. Only he can change them. There are programs and people out there to help him, he only has to want help. Ask yourself what advice you would give if this were happening to your sister? Mother? Best friend? Grown child? Then ask yourself why you expect less for yourself. I wish you well. You can pm me anytime. I have been in your shoes - and have children. I got out and life is incredible now that we are able to live it.

[jadedsoyoung]

First off, I have tried drugs but never been a frequent user. The life he has expposed me to has turned me off any substance use at all. I never was a partier and that was part of his attraction to me. I was innocent and would not call him on things he was doing. Now whenever I bring it up he gets angry. And you are right that my brain is rewired. I don't think I can live on my own without his help. I have always been such a smart girl. I got straight a's all through school and even now in college my average is high 90's. All of my friends and family have always thought of my as the smart responsible one. I don't want to admit I was wrong. I have defended him to everyone around me so much. I feel so stupid, like I cna't do anything right. All my family is accross the country and not much help to begin with. I don't want their veiws of me to change.

[cleverme123]

Jaded no one ever said that you couldn't make mistakes. Some times you have to pour salt on your wounds, suck it up and go on. That is the only way you get better and learn. You are in a world of danger that is only unimaginable to you now. What you are going through will get worse and you will live in fear every day. You have to change it now. If you don't something will snap you into reality, don't wait too long before you decide to let it go.