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Reminiscing as Dumpee


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My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a month and a half ago. He was the one that dumped me after 10 months because he didn't see a future with me anymore and wanted to accomplish life goals before getting into a serious relationship. It's basically a combination of not wanting to be in a relationship anymore and not seeing a future with our relationship. We are both in our early 20s and go to the same university.

 

Two weeks after the break up, I imposed NC. He hasn't tried to contact me at all. I've ran into him once during NC and he just smiled and waved at me from a distance.

 

I find myself missing him the most in the morning when I wake up. I sometimes wish he was next to me or wish that I could wake up to his texts. During the day, I'm usually fine and know that NC is for the best and that I need to find someone who can give me what I want instead of someone who doesn't want me in his future.

 

I hate that I still think about him every hour of the day whether it is positive or negative. We've been in NC now for 3 weeks and I even wonder if he misses me or will come back to me. But then at times, I also know not being together is probably what's best.

 

When will I stop missing him? Does he not miss me at all?

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Yes he misses you, of course he does. It would be weird if he didn't. Alas, that doesn't necessarily mean he is coming back.

Does he have regret? Maybe, probably there are moments, here and there, twinges of "did I do the right thing?"

 

When you will stop missing him? It may take a while longer yet - but it will happen. The day will come when you realize that a whole afternoon went by and you didn't think of him...then a whole day went by and you didn't think of him.

And then you won't be able to remember exactly what he looks like or what his voice sounds like - just kind of a feeling, but not a precise picture.

 

And then the day will come when you will smile because something nice happened even though it didn't end the way you wanted, you will be happy it happened

 

Then the day will come when you meet someone else...

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I am in a very similar situation to yours. Our only difference is that I am a guy. I can tell you for certain, after any amount of closeness-- the person is going to miss you. How is your nc going? Are you finding new things to do? I struggled with this early in my breakup as well.

 

He's dealing with it in a different way, and sometimes that can bother us. Have y'all talked at all since the breakup in-person? Staying busy, staying active, and haning out with friends is key. Although- I am in the same stinking boat as you. And lemme tell you, it's HARD.

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My ex gf broke broke up with me a little over two months ago and I started no contact almost over a month after the break up. I would text here and here and she would respond. I decided I needed to cut contact because I wasn't healing or making any progress and I needed to cut off complete contact. She texted me on two separate occasions but I was short and polite. I haven't texted her since and she did call about something work related almost three weeks into no contact. I kept it very short because I realized that no contact was helping me heal. It has gotten easier for me as the days go by but I still think about her every now and then. I also wonder if she still thinks about me but then I tell myself that it doesn't matter and that I can't worry about the things I cannot control. I still care about her but I'm taking this time to focus on my own happiness and doing the things that make me happy. You will get better and you will heal.

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I am in a very similar situation to yours. Our only difference is that I am a guy. I can tell you for certain, after any amount of closeness-- the person is going to miss you. How is your nc going? Are you finding new things to do? I struggled with this early in my breakup as well.

 

He's dealing with it in a different way, and sometimes that can bother us. Have y'all talked at all since the breakup in-person? Staying busy, staying active, and haning out with friends is key. Although- I am in the same stinking boat as you. And lemme tell you, it's HARD.

 

My NC is going good. I've come close to breaking it but I didn't want to lose the progress I've made so I end up sleeping on it instead and usually wake up and am glad I didn't text him.

 

I've talked to him twice since the break up. Once to give him back his stuff a week after the break up. During that meeting, I did beg and plead for him to get back together and he said he didn't want to and said maybe in the future or something. We had sex one last time and then he left with his stuff.

 

A week after he got his stuff back, I texted him one night and said that I was upset and wanted to talk to him as a friend and so he came over to talk to me. He spent the night, we didn't have sex. But we acted like a couple. He did say that he missed me. That time I didn't ask to get back together or anything like that. I went NC after this. And I've been NC with him for 3 weeks.

 

I've been staying busy as well. I've also made some new friends and reconnected with some.

 

It's so hard. I hope your NC is also going well?

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Mornings were the worst for me in the first few months after my breakup as well. I think this is pretty common. What helped me was forcing myself out of bed as soon as I woke up, and not letting myself lie there with my negative thoughts. I'd even leave out a basket of dirty laundry to sort, or clean laundry to be folded, or any sort of chore that I could physically do as soon as I woke up (I like cleaning in the mornings anyway, so find what works for you).

 

No contact is extremely difficult in the first few months, but it really does get easier. Think of all the progress you've made as a balloon you're blowing up each day. If you were to text him now, it would be like bursting that big balloon with a tiny needle. I've said this on here before: best case scenario, your ex thinks about you all the time, and he misses you deeply and regrets losing you. If this is the case, HE will get in touch with YOU (and only entertain this if it's an honest attempt to reconcile, and nothing less). Worst case scenario, he is still thinking of you! But only for his ego's sake.. wondering if you are hurting and miserable without him (not necessarily hoping that you are, but the ego can't help but wonder). If this is the case, how awful it would be to give him free information about your state of being, and fill in all the blanks for him. Just let him wonder about it. Focus on moving your own life forward, and your ex will become less relevant as the weeks and months go on. It doesn't feel like it will happen that way now, but it will.

 

And please, please, please don't have "sex one last time" with someone who dumped you. After begging and pleading, and him saying no? Please don't repeat that mistake again. Aim higher and be choosier with who you give that gift to.

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Mornings were the worst for me in the first few months after my breakup as well. I think this is pretty common. What helped me was forcing myself out of bed as soon as I woke up, and not letting myself lie there with my negative thoughts. I'd even leave out a basket of dirty laundry to sort, or clean laundry to be folded, or any sort of chore that I could physically do as soon as I woke up (I like cleaning in the mornings anyway, so find what works for you).

 

No contact is extremely difficult in the first few months, but it really does get easier. Think of all the progress you've made as a balloon you're blowing up each day. If you were to text him now, it would be like bursting that big balloon with a tiny needle. I've said this on here before: best case scenario, your ex thinks about you all the time, and he misses you deeply and regrets losing you. If this is the case, HE will get in touch with YOU (and only entertain this if it's an honest attempt to reconcile, and nothing less). Worst case scenario, he is still thinking of you! But only for his ego's sake.. wondering if you are hurting and miserable without him (not necessarily hoping that you are, but the ego can't help but wonder). If this is the case, how awful it would be to give him free information about your state of being, and fill in all the blanks for him. Just let him wonder about it. Focus on moving your own life forward, and your ex will become less relevant as the weeks and months go on. It doesn't feel like it will happen that way now, but it will.

 

And please, please, please don't have "sex one last time" with someone who dumped you. After begging and pleading, and him saying no? Please don't repeat that mistake again. Aim higher and be choosier with who you give that gift to.

 

That was more than a month ago when I was still emotionally vulnerable. But I controlled myself when he stayed over a week after we had sex.

We will not be having sex again that's for sure.

 

The hardest part right now for me is giving up the hope that he will eventually want to be with me again. That part is the hardest.

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Ok GOOD- keep the nc going. Each day is going to get a little easier, trust me.

 

This future stuff he's saying, ehh. He's leading you on. He seems like he still has feels. So put your foot down! I bet you he cracks. This is a very important part of nc, so be sure to stay busy (it sucks) whenever u get the urge. Write it out on paper, write it all out if it helps, anything on your mind about him.

 

Mornings suck. They suck. You wake up to a text(s), no are from them. I've just come to accept that. But I drag myself out of bed to deal with this. It helps

 

That one night you talk of where you didn't have sex, keep that memory. Be comfortable in knowing that you did have feelings, and may still. There still seems to be mutual respect/understanding. But work on you!

 

It's odd reconnecting and making new friends, I have to say. But it helps. Still I get urges to break nc randomly. Its because I feel like they are the only ones that 'know' me. Im sure you can relate. The idea of making new friends thus seems petty (not to sound rude). And at times I feel like I've been too outgoing lolll. Thus is life

 

My NC is going well 61 days and counting. When i stop counting that's when I'm happy!

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I hate that I still think about him every hour of the day whether it is positive or negative.

The more you get frustrated about how you think about him often, the more you will think about him! It is a vicious circle.

 

I suggest doing a bit of research into 'mindfulness' and trying to live in the moment. You can't stop these thoughts of him from entering into your head, but you can most certainly change how you react to them, and therefore stop these thoughts from spiralling out of control towards endless questions and rumination that simply serve to make you feel worse.

 

Few things that helped me in the early days post-break up:

1. Watching Noah Elkrief videos on youtube about these 'thoughts' - see here:

 

2. Experimenting with a bit of meditation. Just ten minutes at night, or first thing in the morning, to get you breathing correctly, slow your heart rate down, lessen anxiety, etc. Lots of stuff easily accessible on youtube, or google "Headspace" and try the app.

 

3. Read a lot and listened to Mindfulness audiobooks during my day. My favourite was called "The Mindful Way Through Depression and Anxiety" see here: You don't have to be clinically depressed to learn a lot from what is spoken about in this, and other Mindfulness books, so don't let that deter you from learning about it.

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Does he not miss me at all?

Possibly not at this stage.

 

Dumpers and dumpees often grieve at different times.

 

Your ex may have been contemplating the break up for quite a while before he did it, and so he was in effect building up the courage until eventually pulling the trigger, so to speak. This may have been a real weight on his shoulders for some time, and as such, he will now be feeling 'relief' at having gone through with it.

 

Of course, it was probably more of a shock to you and not something you wanted, so you are left to grieve while your ex seemingly is able to move on immediately. That is why NC is recommended so strongly post-break up, because it can hurt like hell to see your ex-lover look so carefree and unaffected by a break up, while your heart is absolutely shattered.

 

In your situation, strict NC isn't quite possible as you will run into each other on occasion, but still, you must keep at it as much as is humanly possible if you are to heal. This is the primary reason for doing NC remember, to make you heal and rebuild your life.

 

However, and ironically, it is not unknown for the dumper to feel their grief at a later date, perhaps months down the line, but only if strict NC has been adhered to. He may realise that life without his ex isn't as great as he'd imagined, and coupled with the sense that his ex is moving on because of the total NC....well, it might lead to him reestablishing contact. Might. Doesn't mean you will get back together and live happily ever after. Far from it. I am just trying to explain how dumpees and dumpers experience different emotions at different times during the months after a split, and why he appears not to miss you right now.

 

Hope that helps.

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Possibly not at this stage.

 

Dumpers and dumpees often grieve at different times.

 

Your ex may have been contemplating the break up for quite a while before he did it, and so he was in effect building up the courage until eventually pulling the trigger, so to speak. This may have been a real weight on his shoulders for some time, and as such, he will now be feeling 'relief' at having gone through with it.

 

Of course, it was probably more of a shock to you and not something you wanted, so you are left to grieve while your ex seemingly is able to move on immediately. That is why NC is recommended so strongly post-break up, because it can hurt like hell to see your ex-lover look so carefree and unaffected by a break up, while your heart is absolutely shattered.

 

In your situation, strict NC isn't quite possible as you will run into each other on occasion, but still, you must keep at it as much as is humanly possible if you are to heal. This is the primary reason for doing NC remember, to make you heal and rebuild your life.

 

However, and ironically, it is not unknown for the dumper to feel their grief at a later date, perhaps months down the line, but only if strict NC has been adhered to. He may realise that life without his ex isn't as great as he'd imagined, and coupled with the sense that his ex is moving on because of the total NC....well, it might lead to him reestablishing contact. Might. Doesn't mean you will get back together and live happily ever after. Far from it. I am just trying to explain how dumpees and dumpers experience different emotions at different times during the months after a split, and why he appears not to miss you right now.

 

Hope that helps.

 

This is really good advice. I'm trying every day to move on even though it seems impossible at times. I am still trying to move forward. But I still can't be interested in someone new yet. I am still grieving and healing.

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Ok GOOD- keep the nc going. Each day is going to get a little easier, trust me.

 

This future stuff he's saying, ehh. He's leading you on. He seems like he still has feels. So put your foot down! I bet you he cracks. This is a very important part of nc, so be sure to stay busy (it sucks) whenever u get the urge. Write it out on paper, write it all out if it helps, anything on your mind about him.

 

Mornings suck. They suck. You wake up to a text(s), no are from them. I've just come to accept that. But I drag myself out of bed to deal with this. It helps

 

That one night you talk of where you didn't have sex, keep that memory. Be comfortable in knowing that you did have feelings, and may still. There still seems to be mutual respect/understanding. But work on you!

 

It's odd reconnecting and making new friends, I have to say. But it helps. Still I get urges to break nc randomly. Its because I feel like they are the only ones that 'know' me. Im sure you can relate. The idea of making new friends thus seems petty (not to sound rude). And at times I feel like I've been too outgoing lolll. Thus is life

 

My NC is going well 61 days and counting. When i stop counting that's when I'm happy!

 

I understand what you mean. I felt like my ex-boyfriend was the only one who really understood me. I'm trying really hard to move on and find joy in other things in my life and trying to get to the day where I don't even care if he comes back or not at all.

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