Acting civil for our son - easy for me, hard for him.

[FelixTheCat]

Hi everyone, i made a post here a few weeks ago (some bullet points below to cut to the chase)

 

- we were together for 14 years (broken up amicably)

- we have a 7 year old son

- he started seeing someone from his work a week after we broke up (they have now been together officially for 5 weeks)

- we are still living together (he is always out i dont really see him and he sleeps downstairs or at hotels)

- he is looking to move in with his new gf asap

 

Now at first it was tough, seeing him move on so quickly, and doing everything with this new girl that he refused to do with me (planning a holiday, taking her out for food, nights out, cinema dates, buying her expensive gifs and jewellery, staying at countryside hotels etc) but now it doesn't bother me. He has moved on and i feel like my head and heart have both moved on as well.

 

Anyway, i finally went out on my own date (an old friend who i grew up with got in touch and we had a brilliant time) but when i got home my ex started on me. Calling me names, saying his new gf hates me (i dont hate her, she doesnt even know me and i dont know her), asking if i had slept with him and really intimate questions i refused to answer, that no guy will ever want to be with me. I didnt rise to it and just ignored the comments. I just didnt understand where all this came from when he has so clearly moved on and is planning on living with his gf so why cant i move on with my life? I actually decided that i wont see this guy (or anyone else) again until my ex isn't living with me. Plus, im not actually ready for a new relationship (our son comes first of course) but i can still make new friends. Why does he act like he hates me tho?

 

In all this time he hasn't taken our son out once (this does make me mad but i refuse to even comment on his behavior because i dont want to make things difficult and turn more nasty) but he is doing well at school (i told his teacher to keep an eye out for different behavior) and he seems happy. I just keep reassuring him because this chat will need to happen soon when his dad eventually moves out.

 

I will have custody and he said he will come and see him after school most days for an hour then have him sleep over at his new house every other weekend. This does all sound very soon for him to be introduced to someone new but i suppose its best if i just go with the flow. Do i ask to meet his new gf even tho he says she hates me? I want to be adult about this but i dont want to be taken for a mug, i just want an easy life, him out of the house asap and our son to be happy.

 

But the dreaded conversation we will have to have with our son is dawning on me now.

 

xxx

[RainyCoast]

he isn't over. he just needs to flip the power scale, as in "i haven't lost anything, i'm having the time of my life".

 

why is he living with you? out with him as soon as possible. does he have a separate entrance he can use at least? house rules if he is going to be staying there, first is no part in your personal life. demanding a conversation, yelling, name calling will resort in domestic violence reports and restraining orders.

 

the son should definitely not be introduced to the girlfriend, much less spending time with her. your ex may scam and line up women like that, and children do not benefit from a revolving door or naive rebounds.

 

you need to be very firm with this jacka$$, although your levelheadedness and peaceful demeanor are admirable. fake a cold cruella act complete with the chillingly cold glenn close smile and don't hesitate to inform him any crossing the line will be handled officially. he can't be allowed to do this. you will need a professional to advise you when he's out and seeing the son also, because if he does decide to spend time with at all, he will be using the son as a tool.

[Lostinlove31]

Being a divorced parent myself... he is making some grade A mistakes.

 

1. He hasn't clearly moved on otherwise he be indifferent to you and dating.

 

2. If dating someone they shouldn't expose them to the child until they are both sure because you are bringing a new dynamic to the child and everytime you or him bring someone new and the kid likes and then you breakup ot becomes like divorce all over.

 

3. Him not spending time with his child is a sign of selfish intentions from ghe beginning.

 

4. With your son being 7 you are going to have a lot of conversations with him about what is going on over time. As long as you reassure him things will be ok and you both tell him you love him and act cordial it will make it easier.

 

Family counseling might be needed as well. It gets easier with a good support system and individual restoration.

[FelixTheCat]

Thank you. I was thinking of getting some advice, or at least speaking to someone who has been through this.

 

The reason he is still living with me is we had some shared debt and we couldn't afford to both live alone until it was rectified. This weekend we met with the bank and split our bank account, he applied and got accepted for a loan and i have my own sole bank appointment next week.

 

His new gf also lives at home with her dad (shes 26 and has never lived alone before) and will be finishing her temp job this month i think he said. So she needs to get herself a new job and actually start viewing houses which he said they will do. But they also need to think about furniture, bills, shopping, disposable income. He never had this worry with me because i took care of all of that. More fool me but i have learned the hard way and i dont even want anyone living with me other than my son. If i do eventually start seeing someone new, im defo in no rush to move them in. No way. Days of being a doormat are over haha.

 

I just want to come out of this with my head held high and still be on good terms. But he says he doesn't want to see me or will have a reason to see me other than for our son (which i understand and agree with) but as long as his new gf doesn't start causing any unnecessary issues (he did tell me that he had to get the morning after pill for her last week. Classy). I actually started to wonder what she must think about the whole chain of events and the speed at which their relationship started but then i gave my head a wobble and told myself not to worry myself with that. I just need him out of the house and if him moving on at lightning speed is how it is going to happen then it works for me.

[Lostinlove31]

Take day by day. It's rough and sounds like you are in the early stages

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this the whole thing is so toxic living together. If he won't move out then you and your son must. Unfortunately you are kidding yourself that this will go well while living together and "breaking up amicably".

 

You aren't "broken up" you are living together as a couple/parents and simply sneaking out to date your respective lovers. Why do you discuss your dating life with him? Who cares what his gf thinks? What you should care about is what a lawyer says about severing your joint assets and who moves out.

- we are still living together

- he is looking to move in with his new gf asap

[CSM101]

Move out and don't look back.

[FelixTheCat]

 

Why do you discuss your dating life with him? Who cares what his gf thinks?

 

This is what i dont do - he is the one who thinks its okay to discuss his love-life with me and i never ask him about it. I even tell him why do i need to be told these things and he says "well you need to get over it/grow up we're friends now" Haha, yeah, funny.

 

He questioned me after i came in from my date but i didnt tell him anything. Not a thing. Its nothing to do with him. He is moving out, he just needs to find a place which he said he was looking to do asap because he hates living with me. I just have to be numb to anything he tells me now, and i dont let it affect me because i dont want our son to see it affecting me. It makes me dislike him more if im honest and proved to me 100000% that we were right to break up.

 

We also aren't married nor own our own home. I am staying in the house because its close to my sons school, my links to work and i dont drive. Its near our sons nanas as well who picks him up from school. he wants to live where his new gf lives. I would much rather that happen that my and our son have to upheave and move.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Hope he moves out soon.

He is moving out, he just needs to find a place which he said he was looking to do asap because he hates living with me.We also aren't married nor own our own home. I am staying in the house because its close to my sons school, my links to work and i dont drive. Its near our sons nanas as well who picks him up from school. he wants to live where his new gf lives. I would much rather that happen that my and our son have to upheave and move.