Break up due to depression

[Pumpkin1985]

I'm writing my break up story on this forum because I need to get it all out somewhere and because this site has helped me a lot over the years.

 

- A bit of background history, I dealt with depression after the end of an 8 year relationship in 2013 & seem to have picked guys that are wrong for me since (only after one thing/recently separated), so when I met my recent ex & things were going well (as in, I was being treated nicely) I wasn't sure how to accept it.

In Sept 2016 I began feeling low again, so spoke with my doctor & was prescribed antidepressants. In the following weeks I started to feel better so didn't end up taking the medicine.

 

Then I met my ex in Oct 2016, and we had a few dates but something was holding me back from getting too involved so I told him I just wanted to be friends.

A week after I said let's just be friends (which he said he couldn't do because he was developing feelings for me after our 3 dates & month chatting beforehand) I realised my mistake and asked him to meet up again.

We did, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I tried to explain that I wasn't sure before & that I was sorry but he said it was all fine. Everything was great. He told me he'd suffered with anxiety & wasn't sleeping well due to stress over not having a job (due to redundancy). I told him I'd had depression before & was recently prescribed medicine but felt ok so wasn't taking it.

Things were great between us, we were planning trips, he'd surprise me with flowers, tell me how lucky he was to have me & he met my parents. 2 days after meeting them (which went really, really well) he told me he needed space to be with his parents and try sorting his job/money situation out as by now he'd been out of work for 5 months (with just temp work inbetween). My heart stopped a little-I'd been asked for space by an ex before and it was the beginning of the end for that relationship so I was scared. I told him this & he said it wasn't to do with me, he still wanted me to be his girlfriend, he just shuts himself away sometimes. 2 days later he shows up at my place (after not talking all weekend as I'm going out of my mind with worry). He told me he hadn't been honest with me & that he does suffer from depression. I'd asked if he'd experienced it because I know anxiety & depression can go hand-in-hand sometimes & he'd said no. After a lot of crying & hugging from both of us he said he couldn't be in a relationship/didn't want a relationship and needed to get himself better. I was so shocked. Everything was going so well & I was falling for him.

I know depression makes people say things they wouldn't normally say, he even said that he wasn't himself lately & was sorry for being snappy. One of the last messages he sent me said not to phone or message him. The whole thing was so cold, awful & not the guy I know.

I had acted out of desperation when he left mine when it was over & sent him a few stupid messages which he said was making it harder for him.

 

I've realised that dating him filled the void in my life that I was feeling before we met, when I was feeling down. I'm now taking the antidepressants I was prescribed & I know he is as well (he's also seeing a counsellor).

 

I know we only dated a short while but it was real & we were serious. I've been in long term relationships and had flings, but with him I could see a real future. We'd talked about the future, children, houses etc. Seeing the utter sadness and desperation in his eyes as he sat crying was heartbreaking.

 

So now I'm doing NC (7 days in), as he asked, but mainly I'm hoping it will help me as well as him. I've realised that I act out irrationally when I feel something slipping away or out of my control (hence the stupid messages I sent when he left) and think that could be my own depression making me say things I don't mean.

 

I've read in a lot of people's stories, their loved ones have said and done awful things when going through depression but they've come out from under the cloud & come back to their partners. Throughout everything he kept saying that it wasn't me, I hadn't done anything & he begged me to believe him when he said that. It was hard to believe it wasn't me to start with but as the times gone on, I can see that it really isn't my fault. He'd have felt this way if he'd met me or not.

I just hope and pray that he's getting the help he needs, as I am trying to do for myself, and that we can see about a future together sometime.

 

Has anyone been in this sort of situation, pushed away by a partner because of depression, but then got back together?

[mike7788]

So I'm confused.

 

 

You tell him you don't want a relationship and to fully commit and reject his advancements to be your boyfriend more than once, and then when things end you're heartbroken over it.

 

 

Listen, depression is terrible, I have experience with it, and have had a girlfriend of 3 years with bipolar/depression disorder.

 

I'll tell you though, having a partner that induces and reinforces the feelings of this mental illness will drive people away. A partner is there to make things better, make the feeling of depression more bearable, where as with you two, I feel you were only feeding off each other's sadness and in turn making it worse.

 

 

Perhaps I didn't understand and if you can clear it up for me that'd be great.

 

If I'm right, NC is the best choice.

[Romantic]

Hi Pumpkin. I battle depression as well and so can speak from experience. it's unusual to push people away, as depressed people (like me) generally want people around them to help make us feel like we matter. But you are a bit confusing as you mention that after a few days, you pushed him away and told him you only wanted to be friends. it's possible that he's still wounded from that - particularly if he as falling for you (it sounds like he was) - so maybe you just pushed a button that forced him to close off. It's hard to really guess what someone is feeling when we only get one perspective, but the best thing now is probably to just leave him alone and see if he comes back. if not, then you might want to just put your sights forward and be excited about the possibility of meeting another person who will really treat you well - without any of the complications.

 

Just my 2 cents here...

[SooSad33]

Been there. Yes, when depressed, one can push other's away. It's a mental instability.

Have I gotten back together with them? No.

 

When two involved deal with that- and it's causing issue's so soon into the relationship- can probably guarantee it's not going to go too far

 

I suggest you remain on you med's.. as you both should have been on and just keep working on YOU.

 

Accept that this was an experience.. and things just didn't work out.

 

Hope you two will be able to deal with this 'depression' and feel a little better in time.

 

When in a real 'low'... can make one feel awful.

 

Gd luck

[Pumpkin1985]

Thanks for your reply @mike7788

I realise my original post doesn't make much sense, it's all over the place which is how I'm feeling at the moment & it's rambled.

It was just the once that I said we should be friends, and I wouldn't say I'm heartbroken now. I'm just sad over it all because we were good together initially. I only rejected his romantics advances initially because of my own hesitations, he'd done nothing wrong or to put me off.

I think you could be right though, I hadn't realised it but maybe we were feeding off each other's sadness.

Thanks for your perspective.

[Pumpkin1985]

Thanks for your reply mike7788.

I realise the original message is all over the place and doesn't make total sense-bit how I'm feeling right now! 😑😏

I only 'rejected' his advances once because of my own hesitation, nothing he did & I wouldn't say I'm heartbroken now, just sad about it all.

I hadn't thought about us feeding off each other's sadness but I guess that's a strong possibility.

Thanks for your perspective

[Pumpkin1985]

Hi Romantic.

I have found that I myself push people away when I'm feeling low, so I should be more understanding when he's done it & respect what he wants.

I do worry that I did push that button as you said to close him off & I feel awful for it.

I am leaving him be & hoping he gets better soon.

Thanks for your thoughts

[Pumpkin1985]

Thank you SooSad33.

I'm working on myself now, and hope we both find happiness after this.