Roommate crush

[pianoguy]

I am a 20 year old college student. I have known I was gay with certainty since I was 13, although I have never hugged or kissed another boy (or girl for that matter). I was homeschooled and pretty isolated throughout highschool and I never really fell in love until last year. I am mostly closeted, although I have told my incredibly amazing family and they have been extremely supportive.

 

So... I met this guy my freshman year, we hit it off and he asked me to be his roommate sophomore year. I decided it would be okay since I didn't think he was all that cute. Well, you know the story, the more I got to know his beautiful personality the more physically attractive he became, until I was head-over-heels. To make it more fun, he is one of the straightest people I have ever met, and is extremely religious and thinks homosexuality is a sin. I should have moved out my junior year but I didn't. I have become bitter and sad, which is not like me, I'm usually a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I have to look at this guy every day, see his soft brown hair and amazing green eyes, hear his voice, and I just get to watch. I want so badly just to snuggle with him, and hug him, and fall asleep in his arms... it makes me physically sick sometimes

 

Ever since the election, when the gay marriage issued was discussed more, I have become extremely hostile to him and his friends (we now live in the same house but aren't roommates) At this point I am honestly confused as to whether I still love him. I definitely think he is very attractive and is a real sweetheart, but he also is extremely pompous and irritating at times. I feel angry that I fell in love with such an idiot.

 

The good news is that he is graduating in May and I will be getting a new set of housemates. Also, I am out to my family and six or so of my closest friends and have had many opportunities for venting.

 

Having this crush has not prevented me from falling in love with other guys, however. In the past year alone I have fallen deeply in love twice and developed severe crushes two other times. All four guys were straight. I feel like I am burning up.

 

The school I go to is Christian and has a negative attitude towards gay people, although not nearly as bad as many other schools in the area. Furthermore, the area of the country I live in is extremely conservative and religious.

 

I honestly feel like I am the only gay person in the whole world. My brain tells me that's stupid, but I look around and all I see are straight people. I went to the GSA meeting at our school, there were 7 girls and one guy, and I was that guy. I've tried internet dating but I find it boring, frustrating, and uninteresting. I suppose I could go to the bar in the next town, but I'm not really a bar type person, I don't party all that much. I like to have fun, but I'm not much into drinking or stuff, I like movies and walking with folks and talking. And I feel like bars are mainly for people who are looking for one-night-stands.

 

Last year one of my best female friends fell in love with me. I came out to her, but it broke her heart. We still have a somewhat awkward relationship, I feel like I have to tread lightly so I don't encourage her to love me.

 

I feel myself welling up with bitterness and sadness. I suppose I really need to find a boyfriend, but I just don't know how to go about it and clearly I have no gaydar whatsoever.

 

I guess what I need to know is: How the heck do gay people date? Where are all these people I keep hearing about?

 

Also: I feel that John (my roommate crush) and I are going to part on very bad terms, and I don't really want that to happen. He meant so much to me at one time. I will be relieved when he is gone and I'm not tormented by him daily, but I probably will miss him. Should I try to find some way to reconcile, or should I just be glad that he is going to be out of my life?

 

Any other advice on how to be gay, thoughts, insight, will be greatly appreciated.

[QTpie87]

does your room mate know that you are gay? I don't see why he would have a problem with it. it doesn't make any sense to me. He may be against it in his religion but if he thought of you as a friend before you tell/told him you are gay then why couldn't he now?

well you can pm me if you would like to,

i'll help as much as i can,

love Qtpie87

[Caldus]

Aren't there social scenes specifically for homosexual people? There usually are places like that in big cities (sometimes in smaller cities) where it mainly consists of homosexuals. That way you can get to know other guys around the area who are also looking for someone like you. Search for "gay bars " or something like that on link removed.

[justsweetgirl]

I find it ironic that you are asking where to meet gay people. I, myself, came out about seven years ago and joined a group which met once a week to make coming out a little easier. Even in this group, the advice was lacking. I was told to take up tennis. I remember telling the counselor, okay, so first I have to learn a new sport, then I have to join a club where they play this sport, then I have to hope there are other women in the club playing this sport, then I have to figure out if they are straight or not, and if by some miracle someone is gay, then I have to determine if they are available or even interested. Wow, seemed like a lot of trouble and a lot of question marks. And this from a gay support group! You sound like a great guy and it must be absolute hell to be so close to someone you love and be able to do nothing with those feelings. And now you are even questioning your feelings. Even if you are falling out of love with him, that's not because you were wrong to fall in the first place. Love is a risk and a gift. There is no other like it. It takes great courage to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. I commend you for taking that risk. Everyone you have fallen for has taught you something additional about yourself and your capacity to love. You will find the right person. You are on a wonderful - though sometimes painful - journey. You are right where you need to be. I think everything will turn out alright for you because your postiive attitude and generous heart will accept nothing less. Peace.

[pianoguy]

You guys are wonderful... this is helping so much already.

 

Qtpie- no, he does not know that I am gay. I agree that he probably wouldn't have a huge problem with it. The problem is, while we were really close friends at one time, my continued hostility and bitterness over the past year has driven us apart. He is very close-minded and thinks he knows everything, so I doubt that my coming out to him would alter his views. It would be eye-opening since he has never met a gay person before. But I think that he might use me as the perfect example of how being gay is a sin and how God punishes you. After all, I have become fairly crabby the past semester when I used to be pretty cheerful and whimsical.

 

This is something I will continue to think about. I'm also not entirely sure what it would accomplish to tell him I'm gay. I don't think it would repair our friendship, and it certainly wouldn't make him love me, which is what I really want. (I need to emphasize how straight this guy is)

 

Sweetgirl- Thanks for the encouragement. I hope that you are right. But I feel like I'm sitting on my butt when I need to be looking, and I just don't know where to look. I mean, it seems like playing tennis is better than nothing, even if all the girls are straight or taken. Have you ever met a girl? How did it happen? Does anyone else have any happy stories about how they met their boyfriend/girlfriend ?

[justsweetgirl]

I met my girlfriend through an online dating service a year and a half ago. But this is not for the weak of heart; you have to weed out a lot of frogs before you find your prince. People do not always tell the truth about themselves or their circumstances.

[yellowsunflower]

Hello there,

I made a similar post to which you replied. I just want to let you know that online dating places (I recomend Yahoo!) are an excellent way to meet people. It is somewhat comforting to talk to a person online, to screen them before any actual contact is made. At least that was how I felt. I did have one horrific experience that I won't share so that I don't scare you. I met a really terrific guy on Yahoo! and that's why I feel there is hope for you, too.

I used to feel (and sometimes still do) completely isolated from everyone. But reading that you are attending a Christian school makes me pity your situation, and I can only imagine the difficulties you have finding other gay males.

I was also in a similar situation where my best (girl) friend fell in love with me which forced me to come out to her. Our relationship went downhill from there, and I didn't even realize that the actual reason was my homosexuality until much later. I felt so bad about the whole thing, but obviously there is nothing I can do to change my natural desires.

 

Good luck!

Joey

[newdawn812]

"Also: I feel that John (my roommate crush) and I are going to part on very bad terms, and I don't really want that to happen. He meant so much to me at one time. I will be relieved when he is gone and I'm not tormented by him daily, but I probably will miss him. Should I try to find some way to reconcile, or should I just be glad that he is going to be out of my life?"

 

A similar thing happened between me and my best friend...she is super religious and I am now an athiest. We were best friends years ago and I'm still regreting not telling her my athiest "coming out story" in case she hates me...(i am unsure about my sexual orientation right now but that's another issue!).

 

Anyway, I'm just saying our friendship was wrecked 6 or 7 years ago and I'm not over it yet, so maybe you should talk to him. Anyway he's moving out so if you don't get back together or whatever it won't be so bad...

 

And because you're in a Christian school, I don't see how you'd meet a lot of openly gay guys. I'm surprised you have a GSA there!

 

Good luck!