Is it me? Is it him? So confused.....

[toloveornottolove]

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years broke up with me (after another row) last Sunday. It wasn't the first time... he always pushed me away when we had an argument. Either he wouldn't call me for a few days or actually said he didn't want to be with me anymore. Each time he'd say how sorry he was, how much he loved me and how much closer he was to me than anyone he'd ever been with, how he was feeling so sick while we were apart and ashamed of his behaviour. I always took him back, on the condition that our relationship would be more consistent and stable. And I would communicate how much he had hurt me, that my trust in his love was damaged and how each time he was chipping away at my love for him.

 

Unfortunately, the physical side of things really deteriorated as a result of our problems..

 

I decided to persuade him to try relationship counselling as it was my belief that he had anger and trust issues. He was very intolerant of my weaknesses and in rows he would become quite hurtful in the things he said. He said things specifically to hurt me, and it is my belief that if you love someone, you wish to avoid hurting him... right? I felt counselling would help us work though our issues... his issues of anger, fear and trust and my issues of being hurt and confused by him.

 

We often spoke at length about starting a family, getting our parents to meet, buying somewhere together when I finished University ... the future was very much together. He often said I would never know how much he loved me. That he thought about me all the time....

 

Our first counselling session happened 3 days before he broke up with me. After the session he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. For me, that meant he had committed as I had to the relationship and working through our issues.

 

How wrong was I? We had a big row, he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, that he was attracted to other women and not me, that we weren't 'right' for eachother, that whilst the break-up would hurt we'd get over eachother in time. I moved out the next day... I had hoped he'd change his mind, but he was angry and wanted me to leave.

 

It's been a week. I called him drunk and crying the day after I left, asking why this was happening. He said the same stuff. This time it is over. But I don't understand completely why. If he wasn't in love with me, why did he say only a few days earlier that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me? When I asked him this he said it was because he felt sorry for me...because I am vulnerable. HAH! Do you declare an intention to commit for life when you feel SORRY for someone? I didn't pressure him to say ANYTHING like that...

 

Sometimes he felt he was not good enough for me. There is an age difference, I'm 26, he's 40. He'd get insecure about that. The thing is, I get so insecure too, and I would talk about my insecurities and try to connect with him. I'd try to create a place where we could be open and honest, but he'd always resist it.

 

Some people feel that he got scared with the counselling and pushed me away to protect himself. He has a tendency to close off and push people away. He's not a communicator of emotions, and I completely am. I love thinking and discussing about life, people, thoughts. I seek to understand myself and the person I am with.

 

Over the months I may have distanced myself, and may have been less emotional with him, but it was only self-preservation. I still made it clear I wanted to be with him and that I wouldn't give up on him. He gave up on me so much

 

So I don't know if he's missing me, regretting his decision, feeling like he's done the right thing.... I'm tearing my hair out checking my phone for missed calls or text messages. I'm going over and over what I could have done to prevent this. Did I push him too far? Is it just me....am I just unlovable... will every man I love end up leaving me when things aren't perfect?

 

Sad. Lost. Confused. Broken-hearted. Any feedback or opinions would be really appreciated.

[huszar]

I'll try to help...

 

Is it just me...am I just unlovable

 

From here on out...no self deprecating remarks about yourself.

 

He says it's final, so It must be very hard, but from what I read, I cannot see why you think you did something wrong. You obviously tried to make it work, through the use of counseling AND dialogue. You DID the right thing.

 

It seems to me that he may have some issues with himself...but like I said, you gave it a reasonable effort, which is all to be expected. You cannot change what another person feels and does...that's for him to decide.

 

I don't know what's going through his head, but saying that he loved you, and then a few days later effectively taking it back does not seem like the actions of a person that is totally sincere. It CAN be hard to tell someone who loves you that you do not feel the same however, and maybe that was his issue. Note how I said "HIS" issue.

 

Don't use the ending of a relationship as a critique on yourself. You need someone who doesn't try to push you away, and who accepts all the effort you put into things. Not someone who says hurtful things whenever you get into arguments.

 

There is a grieving process involved in relationships, so it will hurt for a while, but that time will pass, and you will be able to better assess your situation. And no, just because things aren't perfect will every man run away. A good relationship is compromise.

[toloveornottolove]

Thank you for your supportive response. What's really tearing me up is that he was the first to say he was in love with me, he was the first to say he loved me, he was the first to bring up all sorts of things, like going to Dublin to meet his parents, family etc etc. He volunteered so many verbal signals of love, it's not like I was ever on his case about this. He always missed me when we were apart, he always told me he had been thinking about me all the time.....

 

I don't understand.... this man has had commitment problems in the past, and I thought we'd made so much progress together. Now I feel 'dropped' and abandoned for what....?

 

But it is good to know that perhaps I did do enough

[huszar]

Thank you for your supportive response.

 

Hey, anytime. You should stick around on these boards, I'm sure you have some advice for some of the folks on these boards too. It's people helping people.

 

Yes, it's easy to see why you are so hurt...it's not as if you were being pushy...HE was making a lot of those major moves first.

 

He has had commitment progress in the past, eh? Now, I wholeheartedly believe in giving people chances, and you obviously did. You not only worked on HIS issues with him, you made yourself vulnerable to him by loving him in return, and that probably makes you feel unappreciated.

 

People do things for a lot of weird, sometimes irrational reasons. A lot of times it won't make sense at all. And it's frustrating, because we all wish there could be a cold, factual "reason" but most of the time it never actually exists. But remember, you gave it your very best effort.

 

But it is good to know that perhaps I did do enough

 

Absolutely! And that's a good first step towards healing. Think of the positives, and the good things you brought to the relationship. I can already see that one of them is compassion, and another thing compromise...those are very good qualities. Try to see things in a more positive light. See yourself as a catch! If he "dropped" or "abandoned" you...his loss! Now you're an eligible mate for some lucky guy who'll be much more accepting of what you bring to the table.

[toloveornottolove]

I guess I'm just going through the motions of rejection. Trying to understand what went wrong. Trying to see a future without him and imagine being single again...

 

And another thing. I moved out and need some files from his computer for University assignments. I asked him via email on Thursday to email them to me. He said he'd do it that night or tomorrow. I didn't get anything, so I texted him yesterday PM and he texted later that night to say can I re-email the file list to another account as he couldn't access his work email from home and that he hoped I was ok. I emailed the list again this morning to his other account, and texted him at lunchtime to say I've sent the list. I've kept it all very practical and short and haven't said how I am or asked how he is. I have been too "Are you ok..Hope you're ok" in the past when he's broken it off...this time I'm not going there.

 

So after him breaking up with me, me having to change my life upside down by moving out... he keeps forgetting to do one last thing for me...

 

I wonder if he's forgetting or if he's trying to get a reaction out of me?

 

Thanks for your wise words

[Softmoonlight]

To be honest darling, someone who changes their mind that much and that quickly isn't worth your time. He sounds completely unstable. Of course you aren't as close to him and distanced yourself from him...everytime you had an argument, he would bolt! That is ridiculous and you don't need to put up with that.

 

Really think, not about how much you love him, but if this relationship was any good for you! That sort of relationship doesn't sound loving or compassionate or like you can express yourself. You spent all your time with him trying to keep him. that's not healthy.

 

Look within yourself and go to counseling on your own. You must have some issues to let him treat you like that. Then love yourself and move on.

[toloveornottolove]

Thank you.... You are probably right, but I can't help empathising with him as a wounded and confused soul... I feel very sad for him. He's the sort of guy that if he's missing you terribly, he'd rather not show it unless he felt safe saying it. I feel that because this time round, I am not calling him and asking how he is and showing how sad I am, he doesn't feel safe enough to expose his feelings and regrets. .... Or maybe he just doesn't care.

 

Your last comment is highly relevant.... I have been undergoing therapy since before I met him to try to improve my self-esteem (which has always been damaged) and to help with my anxieties. I decided to do this to help myself before I did crazy things like he's doing and ended up living a miserable life. I saw the warning signs. He refuses to get help, it's his choice.

[toloveornottolove]

After having spent a week waiting for his "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it, I love you" call which never came I had a bit of a realisation last night. It hit me hard, but I think coming to terms with it will help me in my 'recovery'.

 

Our relationship confused the HELL out of me. When he WAS in love with me, he would row with me, push me away, tell me he was better off on his own... But then he'd turn around and say he didn't mean it, he felt he had an "emotional deficit" and that he loved me so much. So this was confusing and played havoc with my feelings.

 

So THIS time, he has actually been falling out of love with me, for a few months. He tried to tell me this in his non-communicative and sometimes hurtful way, but because of the confusion I'd experienced in the past, I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I didn't really listen to him. I should have, but I can understand why I didn't. He'd confused me so much in the past, I didn't know what to take seriously or not.

 

From his perspective, nothing was changing. He was still falling out of love with me, he still didn't find me attractive anymore... I think he actually tried to push me to leave him, so he didn't have to be the one to end it. But I was committed and believed that counselling would address mine and his issues. He didn't believe counselling would do it. He was out of love with me and wanted to move on. And perhaps he did say things because he felt sorry for me, like "I want to spend the rest of my life with you"... and I took those things as though he meant them.

 

Big time confusion. I fooled myself that he really did love me and wanted to progress.

 

I've spent the past week in denial. Now I realise it really IS over, he really HAS made his decision and he really DOESN'T regret it. Now I think I can move on, and start thinking about all the ways in which he was wrong for me, and I wrong for him.

 

To give credit to the guy, I think he wanted me to do this, so that I would feel stronger and not so cut up. But he didn't realise that this wouldn't happen as I loved him deeply.

 

Now I need to deal with the rejection, and come to terms with the fact that he DIDN'T LOVE ME ENOUGH TO TRY.