Will my marriage last?

[YellowDuck]

Help! I don't know how long I can last in this so called marriage. My husband and I have been married for two and a half years. I knew him for three and a half years before we got married. Over the last six years we have been together, he has only apologized to me once. I know we have both done things that hurt each other unintentionally. But my husband always insists that he is never wrong. I once asked him what did he think he could have done better in his previous marriage, he replied, 'Nothing.' He blamed the failure of his first marriage on his getting married at a young age. He insisted that there was nothing wrong with him. I should have known because I have noticed for a long time that my husband likes to misrepresent himself. I was foolish enough to think that he would change one day. My husband likes people to think that he is perfect. (or maybe he really thinks he is perfect). So when I say anythings that makes him think that I don't think he's perfect, he get upset. He also thinks he is a perfect dad. He thinks his parenting skills are impeccable (eventhough he hardly ever talks to his son). When I asks him to spend more time with his son, he will give me lame excuses on how his son doesn't have anything remotely interesting to say, or he is too tired. It's never his fault. If I ever complain about anything, than I am 'whinning,' and he has no patience for that. I am very tired of always being the first person to patch things up. I am really tired.

[arwen]

Hey YellowDuck,

 

I am sorry you feel like this. I think it's really hard to live with someone that will never admit having made a mistake or saying sorry. Have you talked with him about how this makes you feel?

 

I think for things like this, you might consider going into counselling. However, he might resist to. Maybe he will agree to it if he knows how you feel. How does he respond if you are upset? Is it always put off with a 'Stop whining'?

 

How was this in the past? I mean, you say it has been like this the whole time of the relationship. However there must be reasons that you felt marrying him would be good for you, right?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[YellowDuck]

I tried for many times talking to him, but he was always busy. It's never a good time to talk. I feel that he is avoiding this kind of discussion. One of his friends told me that during the last few years of his marriage with his ex-wife, he hardly spoke a word with her during the course of the day. They did not fight. They were just silent. I can just imagine how chilly the atmosphere must be like in that household. I don't want my marriage to end up like that, but I am not optimistic at all. Every time after an argument, he will give me cold shoulder. I can read his body language very well. I can see he is upset, although he always denies it. I am not sure if he will go to counselling since he always projects a perfect-husband image. I married him because I thought I had the power to change him. I was also extremely unhappy living with my parents. I wanted to move out so badly. I should have just moved out and lived on my own. When things go well in our marriage, I tend to suppress all the uphappiness I feel. But because we have never dealt with any of the problems, it's getting harder and harder to put up a happy face. I am exhausted. Am I the only one who has trouble talking to her husband?

[volution]

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news... but I don't think there is much chance for your relationship to last if it continues on like this...

You said "I married him because I thought I had the power to change him." and "I was foolish enough to think that he would change one day." - this does not bode well for any relationship and particularly a marriage. I do know a lot of people get married to people they think they can change (eg: Bad Boy to Good Boy). People should get married purely out of love, not for the possible potential of love at some point down the line. (It usually never potentialises).

But people only can change themselves. You cannot change him yourself. HE has to change - and that's if he wants to. But by the sound of it, that's very unlikely.

Silence can be horrible - I know myself of the emotional damage it can cause. Sometimes people can do it because they are frustrated in themselves - they don't know what to say or do or whatever (when they know something is wrong). Or they can do it out of pure spite or hurt.

"I'm always right" mentality is very common among men - my father has it, and it's affected me and my family quite badly on many occasions.

It is clear from what you have said, that your husband really doesn't give a damn about his son, nor has any idea about bringing up children.

Plus you've tried talking to him, and he doesn't really seem to be bothered.

I guess you no doubt still love your husband, though perhaps that's faltering away at the moment?

Men have a great talent at bottling up all their feelings, and portraying some kind of macho-image - and it often takes a SEVERE jolt for them to break out of it and realise what damage they (inadvertantly) caused.

You must lay it out for him, how you feel about his behaviour. It is unacceptable. Maybe a note or something. Perhaps give him an ultimatum. As you have said, nothing seems to be working with him.

You have to find out what he really wants, and perhaps be prepared for the shock that he doesn't really love you.

For the sake of you and your son, the relationship cannot continue like this.

If you do give him an ultimatum, then it might make him realise he could lose you (and soon). If he responds, then perhaps you'll be able to work out something from there.

But if not, then I guess it's clear how he really feels...

 

Good luck.

[DN]

"I'm always right" mentality is very common among men

 

Nor is it gender specific. I know many women with exactly the same mentality.

 

People who are like that are often very insecure. It is usually part of a superiority complex arising out of over-compensation for an inferiority complex.

[Down-In-A-Hole]

To make you feel any better, I am in the same situation (although we're not married or living together) with my girlfriend. She has said sorry once to me and that was when she was broken down and drunk in a panic that I was leaving her. She apologized and promised she'd work on working out things together instead of just blaming everything on me. It's been 1 week since that occurrence and I have not seen much change. She still thinks my feelings are wrong (i.e. i'm always "too sensitive") when I express them. However, whenever she says "that hurt my feelings" to me, I apologize. I don't tell her that she's being too senstive or whiny.

 

It's always my fault and it's slowly tearing us apart as I am putting up an emotional barrier between us.

 

If they want to change, they can. Unfortunately, no matter how nice and understanding people like us are, we can't change them.

 

It might be a good time for you to start thinking about separating if you are truly unhappy in the relationship and he is showing no signs of improving or trying to improve

 

Good luck!

[BillyJean714]

Are you sure that this relationship isn't borderline emotionally unhealthy? In a marriage, both partners should be mature enough to 'communicate' and put in forth effort. But, if he considers that your way of communicating is 'whining' then maybe he needs to listen, and maybe you need a different approach in talking to him. Don't let him take you for granted.

 

Let him know how you feel. Do not keep things to yourself. Remember to not lose yourself. Just because you're married to a person, it doesn't mean that he/she should stop treating you the way that you deserve to be treated. Turn the tables around. Instead of always doing the things that he often takes for granted, stop doing it.

 

What he needs to realize is that with this day/age, he needs to change his mentality of how a marriage works! Lastly, his excuses for not spending time with his children: Uh-ah! No. That is unexcusable. If I were to ever be married, and my man wanted to watch the superbowl, I'd have him put the remote down, turn off the tv, and play with our kid(s). I don't care what the reasons are: Children before anything! I really wish the best of luck for you in your marriage.

 

It is salvageable, but he needs to put in his efforts as well, instead of shutting you off. I'm not in the marriage, so I wouldn't know what's exactly going on. My advice is just from the best of my knowledge. Take care. And remember, always stand your ground and know your worth!

[DN]

 

. If I were to ever be married, and my man wanted to watch the superbowl, I'd have him put the remote down, turn off the tv, and play with our kid(s). I don't care what the reasons are: Children before anything! I really wish the best of luck for you in your marriage.

 

and if he failed to obey your order, what would you do then!!. Marriage is an equal partnership; not one spouse ordering the other around. Better to deal with matters by negotiation and compromise. Or he might decide to have you stop doing something you want to do and order you to play with the kids.

[BillyJean714]

I DISLIKE husbands who disregard their children. That's my preference. If I were to be married, my husband would understand that family comes first, and if that meant that he should put his kids before watching sports games, then that's the guy I want to marry. I would rather marry someone who would happily agree with me that nothing comes before family. That's my values, it's what I look for in a partner! I may be rigid in my values, but the person who I find myself bonding with, often agrees and shares the same held values. Otherwise, if I ever catch myself dating a person who does not put family first, and has some kind of selfish mentality, I will dump him. I don't like guys who neglect their families, period.

[DN]

I understand and agree that kids should not be neglected. I don't want to hijack this thread so I have posted my thoughts based on your post in a new topic.

 

link removed

 

These are thoughts arising from what you have said and also developing the topic a little further. It is not meant as an attack on you in any way - just my opinion based on raising two daughters to adulthood.