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This pain is too much


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We were out the other day for breakfast and she told all the things I did to hurt. I said I was sorry and admitted that at night I cry thinking about it. Today she accused me of trying to guilt her and making this about me, I told her I was just remorseful.

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You have to love yourself. You can't allow her feelings to be the thing that sustains you in your life. That's called dependency and it isn't healthy. So you have to understand and accept that just because you love her doesn't mean that she will always feel the same way. People are complicated. But you have to always love yourself. So take care of yourself. Eat well, do some exercise, watch television that you like. Start a routine where you put one foot in front of the other and do things you enjoy. Once you realize that you can be alive and happy doing things you like, you'll realize that it isn't someone else who sustains your life. Marriage is important and I believe in working on marriage, but I think you getting back to neutral will help you in your marriage and if not, then will help you in relationships down the line.


As to you question, how do you accept it? For me, my wife has been a big part of my life since I met her. Indeed, she's been the biggest factor in my life. But, I lived 26 years before I even met her and I was happy. And I was happy with other women. So I know I can be happy without her. And I know love will find me again. That gives me a lot of strength to keep moving forward in the healing process at my own pace.

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You... just.... live. You might cry until you fall asleep at night, and wake with only a second before the sobbing begins. You force to hold back your tears every minute of every day. It's an unbearable struggle just to get dressed and face the day, but you will. Some days your grief will overwhelm you with barely enough time to exit a room full of people before the pain overcomes you and your tears fall.

You compare every person to your lost love, maybe even date a couple because of the resemblance. There may be comfort for a while but the old memories will find their way back. After a year or so there may be an occasional day where you realize the memories didn't haunt you, but most days they will.

This pain can sometimes last for decades, leaving a sadness so profound that you are sure your heart was damaged and your soul was scared. Time does not heal all wounds and although some believe God will not give you more than you can bare, be assured that life indeed does. You pain is great, because the greater the love, the deeper the despair. There is life after the death of love, I hope you find it sooner than later. Pray that God takes the pain from your memories, the burdens from your shoulders, and the acke from your heart.

This is so true.....and all you want is a switch that you can throw to turn off the indescribable pain that...just...won't...stop....

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Very true, it's just hard giving up hope which I need to do in order to move forward


That's what we all struggle with. As someone who is just now letting go of what I once had, it has been a long, painful road. You can do it.


I hated going home at night as well where its just you and your mind to keep you awake.....


I'm taking Lester's advice as well and getting the Smalley book.

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Today is really tough, you are filling every waking thought. I need help.... I'm going to a doctor on Monday, and a therapist on Tuesday but there is no cure for this terminal illness. I don't want to face my dogs tonight, my family next week or myself. I feel so needy and weak. You castrated me

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I know how that feels, man. It will get worse before it gets better. Try looking forward to something, like your therapy on Tuesday. It doesn't have to be in the future, just take it one day at a time. Or one hour at a time, if one day is too much. I'm sorry you're going through this, but only time will complete the healing process. That's our best friend. In the meantime, you have to busy yourself--something that will take your mind off things. Walk the dogs, if you can. I realized how much they could be of help when I stayed over at a friend's because of some really, really bad days, and her dog didn't want to stop playing with me. Just keep moving. Walk, read, watch some TV, go out, call a friend, etc. The things we're doing right now to forget may all seem incoherent/out of focus/ directionless, but in the bigger scheme of things, they're all contributing in some way to pull us out of the blackhole. Just try doing something.

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You surround yourself with people that care about you. Going this alone is the worst thing you can do. There is no shame in being sad over all this and needing people in your life that can help you see that your life is not over. The sun will come up tomorrow and you will survive.


Mourn the loss, cry and feel like crap but do not give up! She was part of your life NOT YOUR LIFE!!!


Do you have a buddy you can hang out with?



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I'm having an anxiety attack that she is moving tomorrow. How do others cope with these types of attacks

You let out everything you are feeling. You cry at random times, scream at your dashboard while driving to work for a few weeks, beat the f*÷= out of a punching bag, lift weights, listen to blues music, read books on getting past a break up, etc....

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I'm having an anxiety attack that she is moving tomorrow. How do others cope with these types of attacks


I remember I had one anxiety attack in the middle of breakfast. It was, I think, 2 days after the BU? I was eating alone at that time, and it dawned on me how alone I was. And I'll never ever be able to eat breakfast with my ex again. Then it started--the palpitations, I couldn't breathe, etc.


What helped me was, I knew I was having an anxiety attack because of those thoughts about my ex. So I focused on something, anything, on the table, like a piece of bread, the details in the surface of the table, the design of the spoon handle. And told myself, I'm at home, I'm in a safe place, I'm not going to die (because anxiety is a fight-or-flight response). After a while--maybe 10 to 30 minutes, it passed. Now, when I get these anxiety attacks in public--like when I'm walking to work, I calm myself down by focusing on something. Sometimes, I even say simple sentences like, "The road is gray and uneven. The road is gray and uneven." or "The car is red. The car is red." It sounds very very silly, but it's helped me stay in the moment and out of my head.


I agree very much with lost, especially the "She was part of your life NOT YOUR LIFE!!!" It's a useful reminder to me too. We think our lives are falling apart now because we made our lovers our world. We made them that way. We have a choice to change that thinking. You can do this too, I promise.

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I I had random anxiety attacks as well. One time, it happened just before I was supposed to give a huge presentation at work. The presentation sucked and I got called out on it.


Most of my anxiety attacks happen when I was driving for some strange reason. They're terrible and it sucks when you can't control them.

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The movers have arrived. After it is done I'm getting an expensive haircut and shave. Then I'm joking the UFC gym and an martial arts school. All free time will be spent working out and beating heavy bags


Good idea, my friend, those activities will do you a lot of good. Keep us posted!

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