This pain is too much

[zuhairhadi2021]

Thanks. We are both in our 40s I will try

 

-d

Can't believe she is playing teen age games with you. Even better... Just please try it for a week. Ignore her completely for a week and see how she will react.

 

My wife and I have come to a conclusion and remain friends after divorce which is even worse but I agreed to keep her happy while we both go through this tough times.

 

Hope you really really really try that.

 

Good luck and get some sleep. You woke up too early for a Sunday lol

[ut03n9]

I managed to get up, walk the dogs, pay my bills and pick up the laundry. Now I'm heading back to bed.

[zuhairhadi2021]

Sounds good. Maybe put on some new movies or something.

[ut03n9]

I find myself going to bed at 8:30 every night, wanting to rush the lonely night away. Anyone else doing the same ?

[ShatteredMan]

I totally feel for your situation because I'm in a similar one too. I live literally full of my ex in the same apartment building. About six months ago we parted ways, and she started dating a guy almost immediately. She's still with him and I can't help but always take a look to see whether or not her car or his car are here.

 

I also looked at moving out but I've got such a good deal on rent here that it made more sense to wait and buy a town house. I close on December 22nd but it will take me a month to kind of move over and get everything situated.

 

I've done no contact and been pretty good about it, but I still wake up in the middle of the night just to go out and see if her car is here or if his is. I know that the only way that I'm going to move through my situation is by relocating.

 

All I can say as to what has helped me is that I started going to church again, started dating again. However, the pain and the obsession is still there for now. I also started going to therapy which is only helped mildly because I only can see my therapist about once a month.

 

I can only assume that it would help us both in our respective situations is time and distance as well as interaction with new women. For me, it's about replacing the place in my heart and the time that I would normally spend with her with other something or someone else.

 

I sincerely hope that you make some progress on your own doing something which takes you away from that situation their. I also go to the gym everyday after work. That might be something it might be new for you or something you just need to get back into.

 

I think that one of the hardest things that you have to deal with him one of these situations is that there's this little voice in the back your head saying that there's still hope for reconciliation. I struggle with trying to squelch that little voice all day every day on the hour.

 

I sincerely hope that this gets better for you because you take the right steps toward changing your life on your own. Just remember that you're not alone and there's a lot of us that have gone through this as well!

[Lester]

"...Just not being attentive and a good husband"

- Are you, and if so, do you think you could change?

 

"She said "I hate that ing phone, please no. " I said so get rid of the phone and get something else."

- From now on, when she talks, listen, nod your head and say 'I understand', and then stop talking.

 

Secretly purchase Gary Smalley's "If only he knew". (Never let her see this book.)

 

 

PS, I saved my marriage.

[ut03n9]

Thanks. I'm afraid to read anything that gives me hope. I feel like throwing myself off a bridge ( I won't ). I think I need to move to the acceptance stage of my grief

[Lester]

"I'm afraid to read anything that gives me hope."

- The book is about understanding women and wives. (Not doing so, guarantees multiple failures.)

 

"I think I need to move to the acceptance stage of my grief"

- The moving on theme is a quick fix that protects/helps others, not you.

 

Yes, time will pass and the pain will subside, but you will never forget.

[ut03n9]

I'll take a look at the book, thanks. I don't want to go the no contact rule but I have no choice

[ut03n9]

God give me strength tonight not to go home and pull the cover over my eyes. Please give me strength

[Lester]

There's no rules in love.

 

You love her, separated for reasons unknown and she still talks to you. Better yet, she asks you for advice. (Good sign..., and very rare indeed!)

I don't understand what's going on here.

 

Why did you separate?

[ut03n9]

We moved from Brooklyn ny, to 60 miles outside of the city 5 years ago. When we 1st moved she agreed she would learn to drive but changed her mind and became home bound and dependent on me. My 4 hour daily commute to work turned me into a tired grouch. We fought and can't recover. No cheating or deception involved.

[Lester]

"We fought and can't recover."

- Not because of you, but instead, her?

 

Why not move closer to the city?

[ut03n9]

We did. Last year separate apts same building. Needed two as we have three dogs and only two allowed pet apt.

[Lester]

Oh, I see.

 

Get Smalley's book and change.

 

I, like you got depressed, (there's no greater pain), but decided not to give up without a fight. (my nature)

All this did was create more distance. I read Smalley, and as usual decided he can't be right and set up to prove him wrong.

 

I started trying his suggestions directly on my non-talking wife.

Walked up to her as she finished making kids/my sandwich, thanked her while looking directly into her eyes, smiled and left.

 

The game of love began. (Joined)

[KantSleep]

Why wasn't she working? Becoming housebound in one's 40's - sounds different. What did she expect, sunshine and puppies to walk in the door after a 4 hour daily commute?

[ut03n9]

I just met with the therapist and I told her that I'm not ready to believe it's over but we agreed that's the best path. So after she moves on 12/22 we need to setup some new boundaries. Doubt I be able to follow through. I feel like I am following the fools gold map, gonna follow it until she hits me with a shovel

[ShatteredMan]

I just met with the therapist and I told her that I'm not ready to believe it's over but we agreed that's the best path. So after she moves on 12/22 we need to setup some new boundaries. Doubt I be able to follow through. I feel like I am following the fools gold map, gonna follow it until she hits me with a shovel

Glad you're going to therapy. I stumbled on a lot of things that I was working on but slowly and surely, I've been able to do more positive things for myself. You will too!

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

This breaks my heart. I'm sorry to hear but I know for a fact it gets better! I know nobody wants to hear that in this kind of timing but it does!

 

It is up to you though to make it better. Replies on a forum will only help for a bit. If I can make a recommendTion?! Get out and be around people. Be around friends or people and keep on conversation. That will keep your head busy. Bookstores too. Look at magazines and books. Stay away from music and movies unless it's action or horror. Anything else and music will just keep constant reminding you. It's hard but I promise it gets better.

Bookstores...friends....people....magazines.....action movies. Or get a Xbox and play some games. Any hobbies?

[ut03n9]

It's so hard not calling right now, I feel like I'm suffocating. I honestly feel sick.

[ut03n9]

I wasn't feeling well today and it's also her day off. She called me at 7:30 and I told her I was heading into work late. She convinced me to stay out and grab breakfast with her and walk around the mall. At breakfast she laces into everything I ever did since the time we 1st met. Everything. I nodded and apologized and she said my sorry means , that you can't apologize for pissing on the rug. It's ruined forever. She still says she needs to "heal" before she can see if there is anything left between us

[KantSleep]

Did she do everything right in this relationship? Just wondering.

[ut03n9]

90% was me. I decided last night I'm just gonna focus on what I have in my life instead of what I don't. I'm moving on, pain and all

[DonnaSophia]

You... just.... live. You might cry until you fall asleep at night, and wake with only a second before the sobbing begins. You force to hold back your tears every minute of every day. It's an unbearable struggle just to get dressed and face the day, but you will. Some days your grief will overwhelm you with barely enough time to exit a room full of people before the pain overcomes you and your tears fall.

You compare every person to your lost love, maybe even date a couple because of the resemblance. There may be comfort for a while but the old memories will find their way back. After a year or so there may be an occasional day where you realize the memories didn't haunt you, but most days they will.

This pain can sometimes last for decades, leaving a sadness so profound that you are sure your heart was damaged and your soul was scared. Time does not heal all wounds and although some believe God will not give you more than you can bare, be assured that life indeed does. You pain is great, because the greater the love, the deeper the despair. There is life after the death of love, I hope you find it sooner than later. Pray that God takes the pain from your memories, the burdens from your shoulders, and the acke from your heart.

[CrimsonLaker]

Hey man. I feel sad too. I hope every day it gets better. Just remember, you're going through a detox. If you've ever known someone addicted to a drug, when they try to get clean it is difficult. They have all sort of adverse reactions and the only thing they want is a hit. But the only way for them to get clean is to stay away from the drugs for an extended period of time. Once the body gets it out of the system, the person no longer craves it and can move on.

 

When you're married, every day you're talking to this person. Every day you're hugging and kissing this person. You're making decisions together. You're talking about forever. Your brain starts to rewire and this person becomes part of your identity. You get hooked on them. So you gotta detox man. The only way to not feel this way is to feel this way for a period of time, but you should cut off contact and allow your self to heal if you're in a lot of pain cause every time you go back to her and talk to her, you're recovery is set back.