How do I recover from my first love?

[Rebeca]

Well, I've posted three times already in the Breakup forum and Get back together forum. If you want to know details about my breakups, you can give it a read. Short summary: We are both 19, have been together for 2 years. This was our first serious, long term relationship, we are our firsts. He dumped me once then came back after a month pleading and begging me. It didn't work out and after some short time we broke up again. We loved each other a lot but I guess we were so different, we weren't a match. I was kind of upset for his reasons of breaking up with me. I think he was the bad guy whereas he thinks I was bad.

 

Anyway, how do I recover from this? It's been 4 months already since the initial breakup and I'm having a hard time letting him go. I'm doing no contact since 2 months ago but it hasn't really helped me. I also started college and I love it, I keep myself busy but I just keep returning to my compulsive thoughts, I keep remembering our memories and crying over our failed relationship. I'm really upset it didn't work out and it's very hard for me to accept that we just maybe weren't compatible, that he didn't liked me anymore, that he doesn't understand me even though I tried understanding him so many times. We both did mistakes. The difference is that I acknowledge my flaws and mistakes whereas he rarely acknowledge his, at least he hasn't showed me that so often.

 

I can't visualize a different partner for myself in the future. I feel like if or when someone new would come into my life, it would mean an immediate replacement of all our sweet memories. How could I ever date anyone again? How could I enjoy meeting this new persons parents without thinking of my ex's sweet mother? Or how could I ever go with my new partner to places I have been with my ex in the past without thinking of the last? How could I ever experience the same first things with my new boyfriend without comparing them with the ones I had with my last boyfriend? I feel like I am stuck in this fairytale that I used to believe in: that my first love would be my last, too. I was happy in those years even though we didn't always get along and I think he was happy too. But he changed, he grew apart of me and left me in the past where it seems I tend to remain.

 

I feel like whoever will come into my life again, regardless of how much better he will be, I will never be able to give him all my heart. I feel like my next several partners will only spoil my memories with my first love. And I don't want that to happen.

 

I am so saddened by the thought of him already being moved on. I am saddened that he may not feel the same as me past breakup. Maybe he has already forgotten me and is happy with his new single guy life. Maybe he will find a much greater love than me and I'm scared of that too. I'm scared that he thinks we weren't good together, that I was not, am not and will never be the love of his life.

 

I am upset that he let me go and maybe he is cool with idea of me being in somebody else's arms whereas I am not cool with that idea at all.

 

I didn't want better, I wanted him.

 

How do I move on from all of these?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You are doing all the right things going no contact and blocking. Excellent you like college. Make the best of this new opportunity and the gift of freedom you have.

 

It sounds you were together too young and for too long and naturally grew apart. Nothing 'replaces anything'. He was a chapter in your late childhood and you have fond memories. Now it's time to start making new memories as a young adult in your new environment and college life.

 

See if there is counseling services on campus to talk to someone about this unhealthy attachment and making your life and dating experiences what you want them to be and a bit healthier than holding a torch for someone forever.

I can't visualize a different partner for myself in the future.

[happyfrank]

I didn't want better, I wanted him.

 

You come first before anything else. Ex didn't treat you right. Alone is better than being with ex.

 

Give yourself some time. You can't predict the future. Ex simply wasn't the one.

 

Take care.

[Reflections11]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I remember being in a similar place at 18/19 yo and it sucked a lot.

 

The good news is you can and will recover, but it just takes some time. The biggest thing is you have to be patient with yourself. Keep staying active and engaged in life, meeting new people, doing new things. I know how hollow and empty it can all feel at times, just going through the motions while your heart still burns for someone. But it does get better.

 

Some people say its important to "get back on the horse" and start dating again right away. That never really worked for me personally, and I felt it isn't fair to the other people i'm meeting if my heart is still elsewhere. It can be so hard to imagine ever feeling anything for anyone else. You never replace them, and no love is ever the same. Every one happens differently, and that is what is great about it. In the meantime, don't try to replace him. Just try to take care of yourself and keep getting as engaged in your life as you can. And give yoruself time.

[Rebeca]

Update: I bumped into him at a concert. He gave me a kind, sweet smile but my mind was telling me "he now thinks I'm following him". I was worried that I would bump into him but really, it's a band I like so much and I was not willing to sacrifice my joy because of him. The entire concert we sort of ignored each other but I caught him several times looking at me as if he was analyzing the way I looked. He talked to my friends. Then, at the end of the concert, I went outside alone to smoke, walking sort of far away. I heard someone calling me but I kept walking and then he caught up with me and asked me how was college. We spoke 10 minutes before my friends came. He seemed very happy to talk to me. He told about his life. He mainly told me that he is the dumbest in his class because is that hard (he's in math and IT college) and he told me that he is sad because things aren't going well in his family-health and money problems. But he told me good things about him too, such as that he lost weight.

 

The point is, he made some jokes about stalking me, my face book. I think he likes the idea of me believing that. But I also think he is really stalking me, not that it means anything, really.

 

And the weird part comes. My mother came with the car to pick me up and I know that he had no money and was going to walk 2-3 hours alone past midnight till his home- so he told me. So, after me and my mother talked about it in the car while we were driving home, we turned around, picked him up and took him to his house. He said: "I can't believe it". Because he knew how much he has hurt me these past months and how much my mom resented him for that. But me and my mother told ourselves that we can't let him go all alone by himself because it's dangerous and that we can't do that just because he was acting like an . We sort of were good Samaritans. I told him to say hi to his mother and that was all.

 

I don't really know how he took it, what was he thinking when he was following me at the end of the concert. He maybe jus missed me. I know that it reignited some feelings in me that are even stronger and I wouldn't like to build false hope on that. But I really still do love him and miss him. Maybe he just wants to be friends with me but I don't know why would he want that, we weren't before our relationship, we don't have that much in common and we didn't always get along, especially the last months of our relationship.

 

 

What do you think? Is he again regretting it? Or is he just feeling lonely? I should mention that the last time he came back to me and wanted to be with me, he was having some serious health problems and he told me then: "I thought I would die and the first thought that came into my mind was that I wanted to see you once more because I still love you so much"