Broke up today and feel lost

[Tinkyonks]

I really don't know what to do, I feel so lost, could do with a chat if anyone can give me some Advice?

[Wiseman2]

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

I really don't know what to do, I feel so lost, could do with a chat if anyone can give me some Advice?

[Tinkyonks]

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

 

2.5 years, lived together for 1.5. He always said he wanted to live on his own so this was just for convenience, for him, however now he's moved out I realised how detached he's been in lots of different ways, and how he has kept me separate from things in his life. I felt I couldn't go on like that so I asked for some space, then tried to tell him how I was feeling. He reacted badly to this and just ended it.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you were drifting apart almost living separate lives like roommates? Were there arguments? Affection? What does he mean 'he always wanted to live alone but this was for convenience'?

[Hermes]

When someone says this Tinky, take him at his word:

 

"He always said he wanted to live on his own"

 

There are people like this, they are not suitable relationship material and obviously should not, ideally, lead anyone into a relationship with them.

[Tinkyonks]

It sounds like you were drifting apart almost living separate lives like roommates? Were there arguments? Affection? What does he mean 'he always wanted to live alone but this was for convenience'?

 

Well he always said he wants to live alone, and that he would never get married. I thought that this could be OK as we got on very well and I fell in love with him. Every time I tried to bring anything up about this though he would say that I always knew and it's up to me what I want. He then moved in with me because he was buying a house and needed aplace to stay for a few months, this then turned in to a year and a half due to problems with the house he was buying. We didn't argue but there was a gradual decline in affection and intimacy. I'm a very affectionate person but I started to look back and I was instigating it all for some time. This was then starting to make me feel bad.

 

I tried to tell him about this but whenever I would tell him something he would perceive it as a criticism and react strongly and in the end I would think it was my fault.

 

This time when I tried to say there feels like so much emotional distance between us and gave examples why he got really angry and has now ended things saying he no longer wants a relationship with me because of what I have said.

 

A big part of me thinks he had lost interest in me anyway, because that's how it was feeling. The gap in intimacy just seem to grow and grow and when he moved out it just made it worse

[Tinkyonks]

When someone says this Tinky, take him at his word:

 

"He always said he wanted to live on his own"

 

There are people like this, they are not suitable relationship material and obviously should not, ideally, lead anyone into a relationship with them.

 

Yes I know you are right. I think I could have dealt with this if he'd have still been showing affection or intimacy, or if he'd have brought a house nearer me at least I would have felt important. But after 2.5 years I wasn't a factor in where he brought a house at all. He just thinks I'm selfish and said he needs to be with someone who will accept how he wants to live. But it wasn't about where he was living it was about not cuddling on the sofa, him not telling me he loves me unless I say it first, him not kissing me unless I'm kissing him first, or just cuddling me because he loves me... I felt there was none of that, and I wanted that.

[Hermes]

Precisely.

 

"....he would say that I always knew and it's up to me what I want."

 

So knowing all you knew you gave him board and lodgings anyhow, because "he needed a place to stay".

[Hermes]

"it was about not cuddling on the sofa, him not telling me he loves me unless I say it first, him not kissing me unless I'm kissing him first, or just cuddling me because he loves me..."

 

He had no interest in you beyond a handy place to stay.

 

There's a saying you can't get anything out of an empty sack".

 

He didn't have anything to give you, but you kept going anyhow.

[Tinkyonks]

Precisely.

 

"....he would say that I always knew and it's up to me what I want."

 

So knowing all you knew you gave him board and lodgings anyhow, because "he needed a place to stay".

 

I thought I would be OK when the time came for him to move, and it was only going to be for a few months. About a year into it I did start struggling with it and suggested he move out because I felt like I was waiting for it to happen, but then he became annoyed with me and said I was thoughtless because all I was thinking was about how I felt and how would he feel having to find somewhere now, he said that I had just realised his worst nightmare about living with someone that they would throw him out when things were difficult. I ended up apologising and he stayed another 6 months and then left when his house was ready.

[Tinkyonks]

"it was about not cuddling on the sofa, him not telling me he loves me unless I say it first, him not kissing me unless I'm kissing him first, or just cuddling me because he loves me..."

 

He had no interest in you beyond a handy place to stay.

 

There's a saying you can't get anything out of an empty sack".

 

He didn't have anything to give you, but you kept going anyhow.

 

It wasn't so handy, he had to travel further to stay, and before I moved to this house I lived 2 hours away from him and he came up every weekend. He was interested at first and he did do lots of nice things I haven't mentioned here so it wasn't as if it was this black and white

[Hermes]

".....he became annoyed with me and said I was thoughtless because all I was thinking was about how I felt and how would he feel having to find somewhere now, he said that I had just realised his worst nightmare about living with someone that they would throw him out when things were difficult."

 

That's a classic example of mind-games and manipulation.

 

No, he wasn't interested at first.

 

He is what he is, and you've seen that "real him".

[Hermes]

OP.

 

".....we got on very well and I fell in love with him. "

 

But evidently he did not fall in love with you.

[AvaD21]

I know it sucks. Reading your responses I'd agree it seems it was a case of 'he's not that into you'. He very likely was at first & I'm sure it's confusing because you've been together a while. I've never had to deal with not having any intimacy from someone so I can tell you straight up, if that did happen to me, I'd know they werent the one. I think you already know that but it's disappointing, it always is when a relationship ends. It's easy for us to read what you say and come to a conclusion but honestly, he's not the one for you. Remove him from your life, heal & you'll end up meeting someone who knocks you off your feet. X

[Tinkyonks]

I know it sucks. Reading your responses I'd agree it seems it was a case of 'he's not that linto you'. He very likely was at first & I'm sure it's confusing because you've been together a while. I've never had to deal with not having any intimacy from someone so I can tell you straight up, if that did happen to me, I'd know they werent the one. I think you already know that but it's disappointing, it always is when a relationship ends. It's easy for us to read what you say and come to a conclusion but honestly, he's not the one for you. Remove him from your life, heal & you'll end up meeting someone who knocks you off your feet. X

 

I think you are right. It's just that for all this time he was saying 'nothing will change if he moves out, of course he wants to be with me etc'.

 

One thing I hated was that he was only affectionate and loving when he was drunk. It would get to the point when I would want him to be drunk because then I would feel like he loved me, fancied me etc. But then I resented it at the same time, because i wanted him to be this way the rest of the time, not when he was drunk.

 

I stopped answering the late night drunken calls in the end because even though I really wanted to hear the nice bits I knew he wouldn't remember them in the morning and I would just feel like it wasn't real. Then he stopped making them.

 

I did talk to him about that and he admitted that he just isn't very expressive. Eventually that turned into me being 'over emotional, emotionally dependent and emotionally persistent' he just thinks I am ruled by my emotions. I tried to explain that we all are but he said we aren't and that it's irrational.

[MissCanuck]

OP, I think you found out the hard way that this guy just wasn't into you anymore. You provided a roof for him but he definitely wasn't invested in the relationship.

 

This breakup really is for the best, as it sounds like the relationship had become completely one-sided. It appears you weren't looking for the same things in the future, either.