cherylberyl Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 My partner of 11yrs, for the past 3, has become very secretive. He has got into debt (with nothing to show for it) keeps accruing more debt, our sex life has been non-existant for over a year, but the icing on the cake was the discovery that he has 1,000 'friends' on facebook who mainly consist of very attractive women/girls he does not know. He is 53 and no Brad Pitt. He also has a select group of the more provocotive women he follows. I do not feature anywhere on his facebook and he refuses to show me what he's been posting because; "Nothing I do is any of your business". I could get over it if it was on-line porn or a girly mag he was looking at, but I feel publicly humiliated and very hurt. He shuts down and will not discuss the matter even though I tell him how much i'm hurting. I also find his behaviour quite creepy and disturbing, especially as we have daughters of similar ages to those he is drooling over. I am very angry but also torn because of my love for him. I'm disgusted by his lack of respect for me and I wish I could just turn the love off and dump him. I'm 46 and thought we'd grow old together. I hate the thought of being this age or older and starting again. I told him my love for him is changing and my heart is hardening. He looked slightly surprised but has spent all week ignoring me and then proceeded to spend the weekend at the pub. So now he's punishing ME for HIS behaviour. It would be so much easier if I just didnt care about him at all. Link to comment
1a1a Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 When the relationship is affected, then it is very much so your business. No amount of love on your behalf can fix this if he refuses to turn towards you. I wish you strength to leave, alone would be better than that. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 You will gain the strength if you are educated so start by going to a lawyer and finding out your rights and obligations. Then, start looking for affordable housing (if the lawyer says its not abandonment to leave the marital home/children) and find something that you can afford, then have a realtor come over and give you a market evaluation on your home. See if actions showing him that you're serious will get his *** in gear. Surely your daughters are just as embarrassed about his goings on as you are. Are they in school or working, have they left the family home? Link to comment
BeHeard Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 The sad thing in long term situations like this isn't "love", it's "attachment". Think of it this way. If this was your FIRST DATE with this guy and over dinner, he revealed these actions to you, would you run for the hills or say "Aw, this guy just needs someone to support him. I think I'll get into a relationship with him and help him." When you are "attached" because of longevity, or comfort, or fear of starting over... you fail to see the forest for the trees. There are relationships that people should "work on", but there are a lot of unhealthy seeds here. Do you want to keep dumping dirt on this to see if it will produce new seedlings? I'm 47. Going to be 48 in the New Year. Never has my age equated with my happiness or attractiveness, and recently, neither has a person. From the outside looking in, it looks like you are making excuses to stay with him. If that's the case, leap and net will appear. Link to comment
HealingAngel42 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 I hate to say this but I see the writing on the wall. I just got out of a 5 year relationship not as long as yours but the pain is still very real. My ex did exactly the same thing to me towards the last 2 years of our relationship. He was very secretive, sneaky and deceptive, always trying to hide what he was doing on Facebook and had like over 1000 friends. He even had more than 1 account. We rarely had sex towards the end as well. This was awhile ago but I also caught him one day looking at porn and talking to all these women on FB who I had no clue who they were with the exception of 1 ex-girlfriend. I am 42 and he is 46. Fortunately, we don't have any kids together. He would also always lock his phone so I couldn't see it and always lay it Facedown. When I would ask who is this woman etc. commenting, interacting I would get the same reaction, "it's none of your business." The main point here is that after reading tons of other people's stories, articles etc. about relationships and break-ups, I learned that he was detaching himself from me and checking out of the relationship long before we broke up which answered the painful questions i had of how could he immediately be with another woman and start screwing and strippers immediately after we broke up. The painful answer is that he didn't love me, didn't want to be with me therefore was checking out of the relationship lying and probably cheating probably long before we broke up. Unfortunately, girl, it sounds like he is detaching himself, and checking out of the relationship. He isn't respecting you or your feelings at all and is being a complete d*&$chebag just like my ex. Maybe you can try and salvage it after 11 years with children together and ask him if he will go to counseling. If not, you should cut your losses and think about leaving, because it's not looking good. I know this is very painful, I'm still suffering from the rejection and pain. Don't be surprised if you find out he is talking to or seeing someone else and is immediately having sex or in another relationship right after you break up. I kept asking myself, How could he do this to me? How could he just go on to screwing other people right after we broke up after 5 years together??? The answer I learned is he detached and checked out a long time ago. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I hope you can work things out. Link to comment
cherylberyl Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 Im pleased for you that you possess such confidence at your age regarding your attractiveness. Some of us are not so self assured and struggle with that. Especially when he's salivating over women half my age with fake hair, plastic and who are half my weight! Link to comment
cherylberyl Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 Well, quick update: He's still refusing to speak to me. Acting like im the one in the wrong. He's being moody and petulant and has stomped out to go to his daughters to have a good old moan about me. I wanted to discuss the possibility of being just friends and discussing arrangements for the bills etc. But no, any interaction from me offends his delicate sensibilities and off he goes like a raging toddler to give his side of events. Link to comment
cherylberyl Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 So now im stuck in the house to stew cos he's taken the car. And its Sunday and im alone with just my frustrations. Link to comment
cherylberyl Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 Im just so angry and frustrated at being stonewalled continuously. I think an 11yr relationship should be given the dignity of a proper ending, not just a childish storming off. He'll be at his daughters saying that everything is in my imagination and what a b*tch i am After all, how unreasonable of me to be hurt and upset because of his penchat for lying, reckless spending and stalking bimbos on facebook. How unreasonable of me! Said no woman. Ever. Link to comment
cherylberyl Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 So what am i supposed to do now? Put his stuff out on the street? Change the locks? His refusal to speak to me is making me think im crazy. Paranoid? Yet, the evidence is there in front of my eyes. I certainly dont salivate over 23yr old men. People say, "Oh but men are different, theyre more visual". Visual? If I had a son that age (like he has daughters) i'd feel like some creepy paedophile lusting after really young men. I mean, he's 53! Not long now before prostate problems, errectile dysfunction and it takes on the appearance of a shrivelled walnut. I hope it drops off. Link to comment
cherylberyl Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 I mean what is it about men of a certain age acting like rutting stags? Is it something hardwired in their brains that they need to lust after/inseminate as many females as possible before they die? I think he needs to remember he had a vasectomy. Like some hot young girl, confronted with a beer belly, boobs bigger than hers and a chronic gas issue is ever going to invite him anywhere near her lady garden. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 How he behaves does not dictate your choices. If you need to end it without his consent or understanding, or even a conversation,do with t. Just move out. It's his choice not to be available. Ah, reread - it's your place? Link to comment
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