How To Get my Greiving Boyfriend Back

[Grief]

I met my boyfriend 6 months ago and we hit it off from the start...a couple months in he lost his dad. He had cancer but was recovering and then actually ended up dying from a heart attack because his system and heart were weak from the cancer. I was away when his dad went to the hospital. I drove from the beach turned around immediately and we went to the ER. He died later the next morning and I stood by my boyfriend and held him through the tears. We went to visit his family who loves us together and he was attached to his phone and when we argued he said he was just trying to focus on what makes him happy and can't worry about me. I noticed that he was not surrounding himself with the best influences with drinking and all of that. I know people need to grieve in their own way but it concerned me when I saw the destructiveness. I started to feel sick around him because I could just see how hurt he was and there was nothing I could do except be there. We had a talk finally and I said that I didn't know what to do for him anymore, that I care and will always be here but I want to be able to talk to him about my life too and haven't felt like I could. I admit, I freaked out on several occassions because it hurt so much to not say or act like I normally would because I was trying to consider his feelings (something as simple as showing him a picture of my parents that they texted me when they were on a really cool vacation and I felt bad because I thought it would upset him). He said he can't be in a relationship right now and that I shouldn't take it personally. He said he is in a bad place, mentally, emotionally, etc. and he has nothing to give no matter how much he cares. His mom asked me to take care of him because she is a mess. One of the last things that his dad said to his family, that I found out at the funeral was that he said his son was good because he found me and he knew that I would take care of him when he died. I keep replaying that message in my head because I intend to live up to what they wanted for their son and care for him so much. I told him that I want to be with him and that I can't begin to understand what he is going through but I also don't want to be added stress to everything he is dealing with. I let him know that I will always be there to talk or listen, whatever he needs even if we aren't together anymore. I have no idea what to do from here. I want him to get better but at the same time I also want to be with him. I know what is meant to be will be but I feel terrible that I am not by his side during this, even if it is what he asked of me. It has been 4 weeks since we ended things and we spoke several times, once because we work in the same building and just kept it to basic work related things because there were other people around and I am respecting the space, the other time I came to him to see how he was doing on his dad's birthday, he asked me to go for a walk and we talked for 30 minutes about life and everything going on with us. He told me that he feels like he is going through the motions of his life and doesn't really want to do anything. He feels bad for me and everything we have gone through and that he doesn't want a relationship with me. I responded that I brought up breaking up because I didn't know what else I could do for him and wasn't sure how to help. All I wanted was for him to say that he wanted me in his life and that I need to just bear with him in the meantime. During this time I can see things more clearly and have reconnected with friends, family, my job is going great and everything has gotten to a good point in my life. I realize now that I just got so used to being there for him because I thought it was the right thing to do, that I took on too much responsibility that I was drained emotionally and mentally until my breaking point. I know now, that regardless of the current circumstances that I need to come to a place of balance in all aspects of my life so I can have a better relationship with him and he will have more time to deal with everything on his own. (no matter how people grieve, I know they at least need some times to themselves to think). I have healed a lot in this past month, reconnected with old friends, spending time with family, doing the best I have at my job, thinking of going back for my master's and taking care of my health and well-being. I don't know what to do from here, I know he is in no state of mind to make decisions and is stubborn in general let alone with him being overwhelmed with everything. I really care a lot about him. I can be happy without him and so can he but he is the right person for me, I can feel it in my gut. He is someone who brings the best out in me and is an addition to my life that makes everything that much better. I admit I needed this time away from him to think clearly but now I know what is what. Now what do I do though?? Thank you so much

[Wiseman2]

It's great you are getting involved in your own life and moving forward. After just 6 mos of dating it sounds like you got too involved and things were not working out.

 

he has repeatedly stated he doesn't want a relationship. If he did the grieving, etc. would not have made him leave. It just wasn't working out between you two and at 6 mos, often when these incompatibilities come out.

 

It would be best to go no contact, block him on social media and stay away from his family. Next time do not get this excessively over-involved and over-invested so fast.

 

Next time be a gf, not a martyr or trying to fix anyone. Too much too soon can often contribute to a tailspin after a few months.

I met my boyfriend 6 months ago. when we argued he said he was just trying to focus on what makes him happy and can't worry about me. He said he can't be in a relationship right now and that I shouldn't take it personally. He said he is in a bad place, mentally, emotionally, etc. and he has nothing to give no matter how much he cares. He feels bad for me and everything we have gone through and that he doesn't want a relationship with me.

[catfeeder]

I would do nothing with regard to him. He knows you want him back, and if he ever reaches that place on his own, he knows how to reach you and you'll be the first to know. However, if you apply any kind of pressure, you might be able to manipulate him back for the short term, but that positions both of you really-really badly. You'll both need to walk on eggshells because neither of you would be able to trust that it's his whole-hearted choice to reconcile. The first small bump in the road would likely have him turning on you to point out why he needs to bolt because he felt pressured to get back together before he was ready.

 

Skip that scenario and trust that if the two of you are a 'meant to be ' deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday--but you'll both need to get to that place on your own. Investing in your own life is your best percentage play, because if ex ever wants to reconcile, he'll reach out to you and you can meet to catch up. If that doesn't happen, you'll have invested enough in reaching high ground for your Self, and you will thank yourself later--especially if the right guy for you comes along and it's not this guy.

 

Head high, and move yourself forward. If ex ever wants to catch up with you, he will have no trouble doing that.