Is this controlling and jealous or is this justifiable?

[WineoftheGods]

So my original message was to try to be as unbiased as possible, in some ways I wanted to tilt the cards in her favor and have thought of eventually showing her these posts. I wonder to this day if she thinks all of her actions are still okay like she seemed to during the course of our relationship. I know i have to let that go, but I'm going to post the more detailed version of the story below if anyone cares to read it:

(otherwise, you can skip it)

[WineoftheGods]

I have been in a relationship for three years with this girl

I’m 28 now, she’s 22. I am a very sweet guy to her, I treat her as a princess, I have been financially supportive, she has a migraine condition and I have spent innumerable times with lengths of 8 hours at the ER with her, I’ve always been emotionally supportive and would drop anything to make sure I could be there for her.

 

I was about to take a trip to Europe and 3 days before I left she said she wanted to be on a break (for personal and emotional reasons I was told.). I was nervous not only because I wondered why she would want a break when I was already going to be gone for 2 weeks, but more so because she had met a new guy friend very recently who was flirting with her and expressing his interest in her when they met. She was going through a tough time emotionally and was seeking him out more frequently which was making me a little uncomfortable to begin with. With that said I should trust her wholeheartedly because she hadn’t done anything to break my trust at this point, but I did want to meet the guy. I questioned her on some technical aspects of what it means for this break and told her I value the relationship and felt like she should be allowed all the space she needs but that we should still honor the relationship and be together (we have talked about marriage and having kids.) I had voiced my concerns about this guy I hadn’t met, and felt like to some degree it was emotional cheating for her to be running over to him one-on-one late at night and in her room or his - I was concerned she might actually cheat on me. She can be emotionally unstable (depression, panic attacks, self harm,) and has always had me and other friends she could talk to. It took some discussion to get us to still be in a committed relationship and talks of why I felt so hurt that this break she wanted sounded more like a breakup and an excuse while I would be gone to hook up with him (she also said she was not attracted to him and I had nothing to worry about,) but she was upset that I was focusing on the technicals and not on what she needed a break for; because she needed to feel like she could have fresh air and deal with her emotional problems (she said the break had nothing to do with me but had to do with her.) I told her that I had no problems with her in the relationship and that I love her.

 

When I was in Europe I was upset and basically said if you want a break I’ll let you have what you want, we’re broken up. I was really having a hard time trying to stay positive on the trip and I guess I just wanted to see she still cared about me enough to fight for me because she knew I wasn’t unhappy in the relationship. I was happy to see that she was wanting to talk to me and resolve things and I did talk to her about giving the relationship another go when I got back, but at the same time I seemed steadfast and unmoving until I would be back in the states, which obviously scarred her that there may be a possibility of losing me. In reality I just wanted her to value me in the relationship and fight for me and in hindsight my actions were mean and manipulative things to do.

 

Unbeknownst to me she was hooking up with and having sex with the guy when I was gone and when I later found out (I basically caught them.) I was told this only happened because I had broken up with her and she was an emotional wreck. When I broke up with her I did tell her that I had no problems with her in the relationship, I wanted her to know it wasn’t what I wanted but it seemed what (I felt) she was asking for. In some ways it was a test, I figured if she’s going to cheat on me with this guy, she was going to do it anyways (relationship or not,) so I’ll make it easier for her, but I really hoped she wouldn’t, because we had talked of building a future together.

 

[Fast Forward] I loved her so much and I didn’t want to lose her, so after a month we resolved things when I got home, despite that I felt like it was wrong of her to do what she did with the prospect that we would most likely get back together, I was sure we both felt that we wanted that and we did apparently. I had one major problem when we got back together though, she wanted to remain platonic friends with this guy. I told her how hurtful this was to me like re-stabbing me in an open wound. We talked in great length about it and I thought we had reached an understanding. Fast forward again 6 months later, our relationship is going really well, open communication, talks of marriage, etc.. But , I find out that even though she told me she wasn’t talking to him or hanging out with him, she was. I couldn’t handle her being with him, not one-on-one, not in one of their bedrooms alone. I felt those actions were crossing the line, and in my opinion (or value system) I don’t think it is acceptable conduct for her to continue hanging out with someone she barely knew and had sex with a handful of times. Whether or not it was cheating (technically no) I felt like it was wrong that she did that, that long term relationships aren’t so black and white and it was extremely hurtful to me that they remain in contact and be friends while we continue to have a relationship. All of my feelings were voiced. It got to the point where I told her it was me or him; that she would have to choose, that she couldn’t have both because every time she meets up with him or talks to him it was like pouring more salt in an open wound. She seemed to understand, but apprehensibly. It made more sense to her when I flipped the scenario, like if I had done the same things to her. I told her she wouldn’t even have to ask me not to talk to this fictionary girl, that out of respect and love and with hopes of building a future together, that I could never continue to hurt her in that way. She stopped talking to him for a little but because she knew how I felt I guess they started texting behind my back and she would lie to me and say she cut off contact. She still didn’t think it was right of me to ask her to not be friends with someone, and I agreed, in fact I’ve been totally cool when she hangs out with other guys one-on-one and even crashes at their place. Why? Because she hasn’t had sex with them at some point in the span of our relationship. But I said considering everything that happened, I was not comfortable with her being friends with THIS specific guy, that it hurts me too much. They still haven’t known each other for a year and it started as a hookup, one where he said he was not looking for a relationship and she did not know his true intentions. Maybe he just wanted to get in her pants and maybe he still does.

 

I know there is a lot of things I did above that weren’t right but this is the question: Is it wrong of me to ask that she cut off contact with him, and is it controlling? Or is it justifiable for me to ask that because it is hurtful to me while I’m trying to heal from the original hook up?

[nutbrownhare]

I know there is a lot of things I did above that weren’t right but this is the question: Is it wrong of me to ask that she cut off contact with him, and is it controlling? Or is it justifiable for me to ask that because it is hurtful to me while I’m trying to heal from the original hook up?

 

It's ALWAYS justifiable to ask. The other person knows what you're feeling; they wouldn't have done if you hadn't expressed it. Then let go the outcome.

 

To continue to add pressure, to try and demonstrate to another person that they're wrong, to continue to insist... that's when it gets controlling. As I've said elsewhere, that's the difference between being assertive and controlling.

 

If the other person continues to act the same way, knowing that you feel upset about it, that tells you about their lack of respect for you, your feelings and the relationship. It doesn't mean they're "wrong", just that this is someone you really shouldn't be wasting your valuable time and emotions on. Another example would be with a couple where one wants children and the other doesn't - neither is right nor wrong, but they're incompatible. But for the one who wants children to insist and pressure the other will not benefit their relationship, and they'd be better off looking for someone who's on the same page.

 

For what it's worth, it doesn't sound as though your ex is set for a happy relationship... starting as a hookup, continuing as a piece of deception and overlapping with an existing relationship... it also sounds as though she has some serious emotional problems and will need to work on those before she can relate meaningfully to anyone.

[WineoftheGods]

It's ALWAYS justifiable to ask. The other person knows what you're feeling; they wouldn't have done if you hadn't expressed it. Then let go the outcome.

 

To continue to add pressure, to try and demonstrate to another person that they're wrong, to continue to insist... that's when it gets controlling. As I've said elsewhere, that's the difference between being assertive and controlling.

 

If the other person continues to act the same way, knowing that you feel upset about it, that tells you about their lack of respect for you, your feelings and the relationship. It doesn't mean they're "wrong", just that this is someone you really shouldn't be wasting your valuable time and emotions on. Another example would be with a couple where one wants children and the other doesn't - neither is right nor wrong, but they're incompatible. But for the one who wants children to insist and pressure the other will not benefit their relationship, and they'd be better off looking for someone who's on the same page.

 

For what it's worth, it doesn't sound as though your ex is set for a happy relationship... starting as a hookup, continuing as a piece of deception and overlapping with an existing relationship... it also sounds as though she has some serious emotional problems and will need to work on those before she can relate meaningfully to anyone.

 

Thank you very much for this response, I agree with you 100%. I really loved this girl and didn't want to throw it all away, I thought we'd come to an understanding. I will agree that it was controlling for me to keep asking, but I appreciate you saying it was justifiable the first time, and that I really shouldn't have had to even ask once I had expressed my feelings. It was not wrong of her, yes, that's true, especially if she doesn't want to be with me and wants to be with him. However if she really loved me and wanted to be with her, the decision should have been easy for her, to cut off contact, to respect me and my feelings and know the hurt that's being caused.

 

It's easy to say dump her, but when you really love someone and you really think that the relationship will work, and they will understand you, it makes you weak. I also agree 100% that she cannot relate meaningfully to anyone in a relationship; from my perspective her emotional instability made it harder for her to see outside of herself, it makes someone act more selfish and less empathetic, it because very similar to someone who is a drug addict.

 

I want to thank you for helping me get through such a hard time and process all of this from a perspective outside of myself, i've never been on a forum before, and i appreciate the selflessness of taking the time to read my long winded message, not once, but twice.