Role Reversal

[Butterfly1983]

Has anyone reconciled with an ex only to find that either they ended up being more interested in you than you were them or that you lost interest and wondered why you even wanted them back with them in the first place? Thoughts? Stories?

[Wiseman2]

That fact that they are exes means there were uneven feelings. After being apart some feeling may wane form the hurt or conversely someone may feel they miss someone and/or made a mistake.

Has anyone reconciled with an ex only to find that either they ended up being more interested in you than you were them or that you lost interest and wondered why you even wanted them back with them in the first place? Thoughts? Stories?

same guy?

[moodindigo91]

Yep. This is basically me right now, and I feel utterly trapped. I did it almost immediately though, without moving out or having an actual break in our relationship. He begged for me back and I was reluctant and haven't actually said yes, but I still am living there and find myself continuing to help him and spend time with him.

 

He's suddenly the best boyfriend ever and all emotionally available and attentive. Always trying to cuddle and do things. I really find myself not even wanting to be near him anymore. Despite the lack of actual space after our break up, I had a good amount of months where he treated me like crap for me to sort of get over him, but when the time came for our reconciliation I conveniently put all of that aside and agreed.

 

Now I feel trapped! As I said, he's being great and I'm being cold, distant. I feel pretty awful about it and I try to make up for it in other ways.

 

I think it's generally a rule to not take your ex back, unless it's been a long, long time where you had no contact at all and you both changed significantly. I have learned this lesson the hard way.

[reinventmyself]

I think we often return to someone to re-write a wrong. It's painful to feel discarded and when you go back to get to heal that hurt but often times you find yourself in the same dysfunctional relationship you had before. Now they won't leave!

Besides when someone does a 180 you don't know quite what to do with them. If all you know is the guy who seemed not all in, for whatever unhealthy reason that worked for you and kept you hooked.

It's no surprise the new improved bf throws you off balance a little and makes you rethink everything.

 

My friend teased me for years and called me the `recycler' because I almost always went back.

It's a valuable lesson to learn that reconciliations aren't really what we believe them to be or are going to turn out the way we want.

It's just `rinse, repeat and do the same all over again'

[SkellyWoozle]

Not since I was a teenager, but he was my first real love and we did love each other and he was incredibly romantic. I can't really remember every reason why we broke up (It was a long time ago!) but I remember catching up with him one night in the town where we both lived about four years later. We spent HOURS talking until the early hours of the morning and in a haze of mush decided we'd give it another go. It turns out that he was still a plonker and we just drifted apart. Again, didn't see each other for a long time, then we "caught up" again and so on. We still speak now and he's a lovely guy but he's still not doing a lot with his life and openly admits he's lazy in his ambitions - not that I'm wild about going places, mind you! He'll always be my friend but that's absolutely all he ever will be.

[Butterfly1983]

No, I was literally driving home today wondering if this happens a lot. It's not related to the guy in general. I just think of previous relationships where the guy left me, came back and I was not interested AT ALL. And then I wondered what I even saw in them in the first place. lol!

[moodindigo91]

I think reinventmyself is on point, we almost probably feel obligated to take them back, to right some wrong, we maybe realize we made some mistakes along the way, too maybe we should give second chances. In relationships though, second chances don't usually pan out even if you want it and try. One person is just not as invested. Sometimes it's the same person, sometimes it's the other person and the roles reverse.

[Butterfly1983]

That fact that they are exes means there were uneven feelings. After being apart some feeling may wane form the hurt or conversely someone may feel they miss someone and/or made a mistake.same guy?

 

But isn't there always one person who is more invested? Or some "uneven" feelings?

[Almira23]

Yes, this happened with my 1st boyfriend.

We dated during my junior year of high school. He was 2 years older and out of high school. He ended up leaving me for another lady, who he eventually got pregnant.

Due to my own issues, I chased him for a year. I responded to his every attempt to contact him and spent time with him whenever he requested.

After his two failed relationship, he asked me to be his girlfriend when I was 20 years old.

I immediately said yes, but I realized after a couple of months that I just no longer cared for him, so I left him.

Sometimes, getting back together makes you realize all the faults of this person and why you should not be together.

[dirkdaring]

This happened to me as well. Dated a girl through my last couple years at college. We were great for a while, then not(alcohol was often the culprit to our fights), then great, on and off.

Then I caught her cheating. She somehow convinced me that we were on a break, but I certainly didn't know it.

I was so hurt and alone, that when she wanted to get back together, we did.

Then we graduated and moved to opposite coasts, and fizzled out.

We moved on, both had long relationships and got married.

Our SOs cheated on both of us, and we both got divorced.

We then somehow started talking again, ten years after we had split.

Convinced ourselves that we were a better match now that we had learned a thing or two. She had a 2-yr old and I fell in love with them both. Moved a few states west to be with her.

Lasted about a year before the same issues we had in college started popping up.

 

To your original point, I wasn't even that upset about it. I was more upset about losing the relationship I'd built with her daughter than I was with her. I don't miss her now or wonder what could have been.