Sent her flowers…now she is gone again…please give me input.

[just jeff]

It never ceases to amaze me, the way the game of love is played. I had a long distance and long term relationship with a woman for 5-6 yrs; due to my pouring time into my career and an indiscretion on my part she rebounded to another man a year ago.

 

Since that time we have not met in person; only by phone, cell and on-line. But we would talk for hours when we were on speaking terms. She would decorate my house and landscape the lawn in her head a hundred times a day…saying "when you bought that house Jeff …I know it was going to be ours".

 

When the relationship was good we met 3-4 times a year…for 3-5 days at a time. We both felt we had met our soul mates; everything and I mean everything at that time was perfect. I got a major promotion and threw myself into it; leaving little time for her. She felt I was moving on with my life and didn't see her in it. I readily admit I wasn't there for her…I was not even close. I thought by making a million I could take care of everyone…the ex wife, kids and her; I was so wrong.

 

Her absense in my life started by her not being there for me…I took her for granted; including her love. Finally she told me…there was someone else. I took it hard…cried, screamed and begged…telling her he wasn't the one…she transferred her love of me to one that reminded her of me.

 

So we've been on a roller coaster…she has left him (at least she said she did) 2 dozen times…and she has told me not to contact her in any way, shape of form. The within a week I would receive the call, you know "how are you? I wanted to see how the kids are and if you're doing ok."

 

A week ago she told me she had left both of us…and would not talk to me again, and she held true to her word. Then she called me Sunday, of course I answered because we had been in the same chat room that morning. I was a pleasant conversation…I never brought up the past nor did she. I never said anything about her supposed to be ex and she didn't bring up the women I have been dating.

 

We talked Monday night on the phone…all was comfy and warm. I sent her a bouquet of white flowers…to her office Tuesday; they arrived at 2:55 pm. I didn't hear anything…she got online last night at 8:30ish and wouldn't say hi via Yahoo Messenger; but she showed up in the chat room I was in. I said hello out load and she didn't respond…sending her greetings to the other regulars in the room.

 

I private messaged her and saw she had squelched me. Ok…wow. I called her house and she let the machine pick up. I went to bed and woke up to the following email this morning; "Goodbye, Please do not call my home or cell phone or my office,,,and do not answer this as I will not get it ,,,I will not be coming back to the chat room either,,,"

 

I tried my best to figure this out; I may have messed up, but I was torn up. I sent her two text messages to her cell:

 

"Ahh, the flowers did arrive at 2:55 yesterday. Only reason I can think it would be upsetting is they were sent to a married woman or one engaged"

 

"Single women can receive gifts from the male friends. Sorry if it embarrassed you, they were sent with honest intent. Enjoy your make believe world XXXX".

 

My question is…why else would having a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent to your office anger or hurt you enough to walk away again? I need others point of views…I will tell you I am dating, several women. Its friends with benefits…I am not looking for love; and I tell the person I'm dating that up front. No commitment from either party…and it's been great.

 

So please weigh in with your opinions…I know I am not a saint; I am as human as anyone else. But I know…she does love me; but I am clueless why she is behaving this way. I had sent her books…but never flowers.

[just jeff]

Up date:

 

I sent her a text message:

 

Why were the flowers upsetting? Please give me an answer, an honest one. I am so hurt by your reaction.

 

She sent back:

 

"Sorry ur hurt. the reality set. my fe eling for u are gone"

 

Normally her texts are correct with great grammer, so...this one makes me wonder if she was crying when she wrote it, or pretending too...

 

I did send a responce back, a simple: "because?"

 

I doubt if I hear back from her...I am not sure if this is her way of dealing with being afraid of being hurt again or not...Please do not let my age stop you from suggestions...age is a state of mind, trust me some of you may very well be in my shoes some day...I hope not, I had planned on being married forever...

 

Relationships seem to be so...desposable these days, gezze now I sound like my father 40 years ago..lol

[lookingforclosure5]

Jeff, I have read several of your posts and they make me deeply sad. You just seem so sad when you write. It is apparent that you love her and you are just trying so hard to get this love back. She says her feelings are gone. Now whether or not they really are gone is a different situation. She has said they are gone... this mean she needs from you to accept this right now. She for some reason needs space from you, needs you to not pursue her any longer. If you do care about her, as it is very apparent that you do, you will grant her her wish. Honestly she probably has no idea what she is feeling/thinking right now. Maybe she just needs some time alone, completely alone, with no pressures from either side to figure out her true feelings. I have no doubts you will hear from this woman again... however it seems that contact will be on her terms and not yours. My advice is to put the pieces of your life back together and be thankful for the love that you once had, and the person you shared it with.

[just jeff]

lookingforclosure5,

 

Thank you for the gentle words; you're correct I do love this lady more than life itself, I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. Yes the feeling of such an intense love was rewarding and I shall always cherish it. But I know (because I've already been doing it) that I will compare every potential partner to her.

 

I know she surely can't turn her feelings on and off like a light switch; unless it's some bizarre game she's playing for the pain I caused her. One and a half years ago I was her "walking perfection"…she told me within the past few months I still was, just not hers. I am so confused by all of this…I wish it would end one way or the other.

 

The details of our relationship are not important here; suffice it to say we planned it all…her moving here, marriage…but the road took a turn, and we both traveled down different paths; yet we've always contacted each other…I cannot continue to suffer this pain. I know…I am positive she is suffering equally too…but is afraid to take the chance to meet in real time, she has told me that if we met her whole life will be turned upside down. Her family, friends and career at in Houston; so giving it all up to move here is a frightening situation...

 

What if after a couple of months living together or married the bloom is off the roses…the honeymoon is over and she regrets leaving it all…that is what she has shared with me in the past. But why would the flowers set her emotions off? I had thought if anything to have her calling me to say how beautiful they are…but this?

 

I wonder if she threw them in the trash…or took them home. I know you're right…I need to back away…including all the questions that are pouring from my mind. All the why's…thank you again for your post; it was encouraging and enlightening…

[arwen]

Hey jeff,

 

I think her reaction shows more of a frustration from her side than the 'no feelings' she ascribes to it. She wouldn't be upset if she'd be indifferent to this, right?

 

However, it's not important how she feels. The main focus should be on your life and how you create your own new road without her. It doesn't mean there will be no sun shining on this road, jeff. It just means it's hard to find the direction to it after you where forced to take the turn.

 

Ilse.

[just jeff]

ilse,

 

Good point….at least I got a reaction, though it was not what I expected. Last night she came into the same chat room where we are both members…I never said hello and neither did she…I do not know if she had squelched me...so that makes me wonder…

 

Did she show up to show off her new avatar one of her friends had made her…or because she was a member there first and invited me to join her a year ago…or did she show up to play a mind game…did she show up to see if I was flirting with other women?

 

I do not know…I know she is jealous…even though she tells me to move on…it kills her knowing I date or chat with others…that's why she leaves the room sometimes…or so she says….

 

I am recovering …slowly and not at the pace I thought I could, but the yo-yo doesn't make me insane and sick anymore…*smiles* so that's a big plus….

 

I always walk in the sunshine ilse…stay safe on your journey thru life…..

[just jeff]

Update:

 

I saw her in the chat room last night…I thought it best not to go in, so I didn't. Believe it or not I do have a busy life but enjoy a couple of hours of relaxation by chatting with others. My routine is fairly certain; leave the office at 6:30ish, go home or out for a bite to eat with a friend or one of my children.

 

Then its home where I leash my chocolate Labrador and we go for a brisk walk, maybe stopping to play fetch. On the return we stop and pick up the mail…once inside I turn on the television to CNN and catch up on the day's news. While listening to the news I do domestic duties such as laundry and such.

 

I then fix a drink (ice tea) turn on the computer and chat with friends I have known for years. It's relaxing and takes my mind off the daily challenges life gives us. Of course if I have a date or someone is in town on business I go out…my routine does vary quite a bit. I admit I still check my phone messages and emails…habit I suppose, but in the back of my mind I am hoping she has called…*sighs* Then at 10:00 its off to bed, because I am in the office by 6:00 am.

 

I have a wonderful life actually…I've been very blessed. But when it comes to having that special one to share it all with…there is a huge hole. Not just anyone can fill it…I know this because I've tried for the past six months…dating more than I ever have before.

 

I dated one lady with a PhD and Master's…I thought it was moving along at a decent rate of speed. After 5 or 6 dates we're laying there talking and out of the blue she says…"you know Jeff…we need to sell your home and mine, and buy one together…on Country Club Road." I said my gentle goodbye…she wasn't in love with me…she was in love with the idea of us being a couple…

 

So I am out there….the million fish in the sea is correct, and I have cast my net till my arms ache…I know at the core of my soul who is or was my "soul mate". Well it is time I turn my attention back to work…later down life's path…I bid all a safe journey…

 

Thanks to those who have advised me…here and by pm…it helps!