6 months since separation mixed feelings

[Johnny Anony]

My ex spouse who I share a child, and 2 step kids with surprised me by deciding to leave me, and move my kids into a small 2 bedroom apartment above a garage in a rural part of the province I live in. We were having problems, fighting, there was little affection. I mostly blamed myself for all of it but accepted that my ex left me to become intimate with another man. But I still accept equal responsibility for the breakup. It's been a really hard 6 months, I work out if town for 3 weeks and I'm home for one week. I can't do anything about that but plan to change jobs. It was my ex spouses decision to leave. She does not want the house, she does not want any more than $400 a month in child support. She was working 3 jobs but had to quit them because they were hard to get to. She never thought this through, she has admitted to making a terrible choice, said she still loved me, and told me she would go to counselling to work on the relationship. I needed to hear more from her to know that she really loved me and it was the right thing to do. A month past and she never came forward with anything more, when I questioned her on why she mentioned that to me she just said that she is confused and is sorry that she still wants to be with someone else. I told her that there was no reason why she should be sorry, and it's OK to do what we want in life. My health took a bad turn and it looked like I may not be able to work, she said that she would move in to my house and help me with things. But I'm still able to work and I just declined. Basically now she is not able to pay her rent or afford much. I just told her as a parent I would support her and just give her more money, a lot more. And that's fine my kid is living with her and it's my responsibility. She doesn't know what she is going to do from one moment to the next, one minute she is moving to Calgary, giving her older two boys to relatives, moving to the city south of where we are, the kids are always fighting. Child and family services have been called to her home because her older sons girlfriend complained that she yells, and spanks the younger kids. Yesterday she threatened suicide, I flew in from work late Tuesday morning and got home at 3 she was dropping the kids off already at 10am.i hadn't even gone grocery shopping. The kids tell me that she is planning to move into her mother's basement. Or get a job in the city and get an apartment. I don't know what the hell to do. Right now if I quit my job I'm screwed. I have a specific trade and can't find a job that would pay all the debt I've been left with. To top that off I'm still getting over her, I do love her but wouldn't ever get back with her. We both don't want that. But she is on my mind a lot and I want her out of my mind. I just don't know where to Turn next. Would anyone out there have any advice?

[gebaird]

You are carrying a lot of heavy burdens right now. Life can be unrelenting and I think you are doing all you can to be a good father in spite of the many challenges you face. Your ex is clearly suffering and acting out her pain, affecting everyone around her (including you). It's not your responsibility to fix her, but obviously her dysfunction affects you and the people you love.

 

Focus on your work, as losing your job could make your situation a lot worse. It also gives you something to do besides think about all of this. Any distraction, even a small one, is helpful right now. Create clear boundaries around what you will and won't allow from her, and try to avoid those "let's get back together" conversations. If you can keep your words with her focused on the business of living, visiting the kids, etc. that would be best. Avoid emotional/romantic territory as much as possible. Threatening suicide may be a manipulative, attention-getting tactic or it may be real. I hope she gets the help she needs, but doubt you are in a position to influence her.

 

It might seem like there's no reason for hope in this situation, but in a year or two things will look different than they do right now. You can allow these challenges to break you, or you can let them remake you. Just take things a day at a time and become aware of your thoughts and the influence certain lines of thinking can have on your emotions. In situations like this the brain tends to replay the same fear/pain loops over and over again. Eventually you'll be able to start seeing the pattern and redirecting those thoughts, choosing how to feel rather than allowing negative emotions to overwhelm you.

 

Most importantly, take care of yourself. You won't be any good to anyone if you are physically (health-wise) or emotionally broken. Find a good friend who is understanding and compassionate. See a therapist when and if you can. Ultimately this experience will help you realize how strong you really are.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are doing all you can to support her and the kids, yet she seems quite confused, chaotic, overwhelmed and depressed. It's normal to care for the mother of your kids. What was the divorce about? Did she have a history of mood/substance problems?

 

Just keep your eye on things and keep being as supportive as you can. What about her folks/family? Can they assist her/your kids at times you are working?

she is confused and is sorry that she still wants to be with someone else. I just told her as a parent I would support her and just give her more money, a lot more. And that's fine my kid is living with her and it's my responsibility.

 

Child and family services have been called to her home because her older sons girlfriend complained that she yells, and spanks the younger kids. Yesterday she threatened suicide.

[Johnny Anony]

My ex initiated the split, she went to another guy, decided to leave without trying counselling. She definitely had a history of mood issues. She's tried some support groups, little bits of counselling but she has a childhood of abuse, and abandonment. She seems to have to smoke pot a lot. She has no dad, her mom is a loser. My ex wants to move into her mom's basement with 3 kids, or wants me to quit my job and take my son. I don't know what to do here.

[Johnny Anony]

Unfortunately you are doing all you can to support her and the kids, yet she seems quite confused, chaotic, overwhelmed and depressed. It's normal to care for the mother of your kids. What was the divorce about? Did she have a history of mood/substance problems?

 

Just keep your eye on things and keep being as supportive as you can. What about her folks/family? Can they assist her/your kids at times you are working?

My ex initiated the split, she went to another guy, decided to leave without trying counselling. She definitely had a history of mood issues. She's tried some support groups, little bits of counselling but she has a childhood of abuse, and abandonment. She seems to have to smoke pot a lot. She has no dad, her mom is a loser. My ex wants to move into her mom's basement with 3 kids, or wants me to quit my job and take my son. I don't know what to do here.