My Friend and My Boyfriend Broke my Heart and Left me to Dry

[YoungLadyIneed]

I’ve been pretty miserable since the end of 2015 and cannot find any really solid closure for this silly incident which had occurred. I try to get my boyfriend to help me but, he constantly tells me “I don’t know what to tell you” and “You’re being dramatic.” Sometimes he tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it, but the situation begins and ends with and a friend of mine who just don’t know how to talk.

 

A little background.

 

I have a friend (Not sure if this is still our statues, but I’m going to assume it is) who I had met from day one of University. I shared a lot with her, helped her with all her homework when she struggled, bought her food, gave her rides to and from school and so and so. I was literally a mom friend to her and our relationship seemed like it was pretty alright. I’m currently 22 btw and was home schooled all my life and people tend to call me naïve and a little too trusting, so I don’t need people to tell me that now.

 

Anyway. I finally told her I had a boyfriend, since due to my religion, I’m not supposed to have one. So they met and that was that. They got along. Nearing the present I learned that my boyfriend had took her to his house. That’s not that problem. I was stunned to find out that they exchanged numbers and were becoming friends. By this time. I had known my friend for a whole year and a half and I had no idea that these two were even getting along.

 

But even as I was shocked, I let it slide. Not a problem. I mean I was disappointed I had to find out the way I did with them just casually talking about it in front of me. But whatever. Then it leads up to when the problem started around very end of my fall quarter so this was around thanks giving time/Christmas/New years, time. Before the quarter ended, I met face to face with one of my boyfriends’ friends whom I don’t like for so many reasons and they are not petty at all. He questioned where my friends were and I told him, I had none. Because at the time, none were at school. So this was what I meant. Then he asked for my friends name by name, (I’ll call her A for future reference.)

 

“What about A?” he asked.

 

I then told him that she was working that day. And he nodded and dropped it after I told him jokingly that he was just looking for a girlfriend. He said he was actually and I was kind of just put off by that but whatever.

 

So A promised we’d hang out over the winter break and we made some real plans.

 

Unfortunately. They never happened.

 

One day during the break I called up my boyfriend and he tells me he’s going to hang out. Now who with? Well A and two other people. I was so hurt. Why? Well I’m a sensitive person to start off and my boyfriend who complains he can’t hang with me was hanging with my A who also complains she can’t hang with me. I felt like those were dumb excuses on their part because I’m always available and ready to hang.

 

Since they were going to the movies my boyfriend told me he’d talk to me later. I was a little disappointed but I let it go and decided to call back that even. As I did, A picked up my boyfriend’s phone.

 

I almost couldn’t speak because it was like 10 at night. Writing this down this actually sounds like an affair. It’s really not. I was mostly shocked and said I would call back after my bf took the phone because I couldn’t handle the surprise.

 

I should be understood that due to my religion, my boyfriend and I can’t hang every day or too often so we get tend to skype or play video games as our form of quality time. I hadn’t been able to talk to my boyfriend for almost three week into the break and I asked him If we could game on Thanks giving since he usually doesn’t do anything. I was turned down. I tried again on New Years, since that is my loneliest day of the year. Sadly he told to me he was going see fireworks with, you guessed it A. Of course he had some other friends too. I spent the night, like the rest of my summer alone and depressed.

 

My friend tried to text my on Christmas, but I ignored it because I had been a little upset knowing their future plans and past plans to hang out. I didn’t intend to but I’m just the kind of person who can’t deal with anger since it’s not a feeling I’m used to. My boyfriend got in the middle and told me to talk to her because she was texting him. I was even more upset she was using him to get to me. But of course I she was just concerned but I didn’t tell him anything. I was just upset.

By this time I told my sister that it was okay to feel upset but and that I was eventually let that anger go.

Boy I was that was the case.

 

Anyway my boyfriend had called me weeks later when New Years rolled that A and his friend I don’t like (C for future reference) were dating. I wasn’t happy. A was an 18 year old girl and C was almost a 30 year old man. I loved A and wanted to be happy but needless to say I felt really betrayed. Whenever I had suggested to hang out. She duped me for my bf’s friends. A considered me to be her best friend. That a serious claim especially for someone like me. But I wasn’t at least the first one to know about the dating. And my boyfriend who was barely talking to me at this point ended up telling me.

 

I ended up texting A before school started again. I apologized for not returning her text but I was still hurt by the fact that she had literally duped me to hang with my boyfriend’s friends (This happened more than once or twice by the way) and didn’t tell me she was in a relationship after claiming how close she felt with me. I felt that I’d been a little dumb up until then, and I trusted her too easy.

 

Since the summer started, she doesn’t even text me anymore. She doesn’t call even me either. She’s been really into her boyfriend and I’ve showed my support for her when she asked for dating advise months after the drama. But as of now. She doesn’t talk to me. She even has moved closer to me and promised we would hang out and surprise text I was lucky enough to get. But I didn’t believe it and of course I was right to distrust her words.

 

I found out that my boyfriend went to her new job at the start of this summer. She heard it from her boyfriend who heard it from mine that we had hung out. The one reason I don’t like her boyfriend is that he blabbers. But she wasn’t told that this was supposed to be a date for us and she felt really hurt I didn’t invite her. Apparently, A and my boyfriend remain in touch. She calls and text my boyfriend regularly, when I the person she boldly claimed that I was her best friend get no calls. I even texted her to ask how she was doing and she didn’t respond. So I do try.

 

My sister has been upset on my behalf and I just don’t even try to talk about it to anyone. If I ask my boyfriend out of curiosity how often A calls or communicates he gets annoyed and defensive easily. I don’t get that. He doesn’t even know her and at time calls her annoying and say mean compliments. My boyfriend was never on my side this whole time. He called me a cry baby and dramatic just because I was hurt and I only tries to discuss it a few times. He even said I was so stupid to feel the way I did and that made me feel even worse. And to this day he can’t figure out why the mention of her name simply bothers me.

 

Due to this I need someone to tell me. Am I wrong for feel upset and betrayed. My sister who has nothing to do with this was hurt and she said it was okay. I never lashed out, screamed or fought. I took this silently like I do everything else. I honestly need closure to this subject. I don’t hate A and honestly if she ever needs me again, as she has quite a few times after the event, I’ll be there to help.

 

I just want this to not be a problem anymore. I have long since been ready to move on but sometimes just thinking of it really hurts. Especially since something similar has happened so many times and people have left me. I’m afraid A has lost interest in me like all the others.

 

Please help.

[William Walker]

I feel you. This happens when you get a BF, your friends become less important. And she can see and talk to her BF when she likes, so she doesn't need to talk to you because she is lonely or needs someone. So that is why she isn't talking to you as much. Also what do her and your BF talk about? Maybe she is keeping taps on her BF, so he finds her annoying. That is all I think is happening here. You have a right to be upset, but it isn't anything you have done wrong, it is just she has a BF now. I mean I have had a GF now for two months, and I had a close, good friend who I used to talk to a lot because she was the most important none family member in my life. Someone who I love and respect, who helped me greatly and basically stopped me from killing myself and helped me through my depression last December after the girl I was in love with hurt me. So even her, and how much she means to me has taken second fiddle to my GF. Who I only decided to go out with because of my friends advice to me. As I told me friend about having similar feelings to you, that everybody just abandons me and they don't care about me. She is the first person to get me. So you just need to help your friend, keep asking if she wants to hang if she needs you help her. So that is what I believe is going on, and what I think you should do. Have you talked to you friend about you abandonment issues? Indeed have you talked to anyone about it? As if they don't know about this insecurity you have they maybe just think you are being silly. But they could understand if you explained it to them. And I finds the idea of a "best friend" silly, as your best friend is whoever of their for you in that moment. It changes. You have good friends and close friend, then just friends, people you chat with, people you know. So there you go, I hope my post helps you in some way. What is your religion? If you don't mind me asking? Also why are you going out with someone who you can't properly date or let people know about? It makes things hard for you. My GF is a different religion and ethnic back ground from me, and we haven't told our families about each other. But I guess if you love them it doesn't matter, however it isn't ideal. Love you Cherry.

[Wiseman2]

Why is your bf hanging out with A more than with you. Does her religion allow her to date, what about his? The issue is really about you and your bf. Interestingly you are more concerned about losing A to your bf than losing your bf to this.

my boyfriend had took her to his house. I was stunned to find out that they exchanged numbers and were becoming friends. A and my boyfriend remain in touch. She calls and text my boyfriend regularly

[YoungLadyIneed]

Hello William, and thank for the reply. It definitely helped.

To answer your question, I am Muslim and claims he is Christian, although I feel he's more agnostic. We aren't supposed to actually be dating but honestly we've been together for almost nine years now and we've figured a lot out. At this point, we cant meet often because he's always working and when I'm in school I'm simply really busy. But on summer breaks, the main reason is I can't drive yet and my mom is the biggest issue. Muslim or not, she would kill me for having a boyfriend, or even looking at a boy who are family.

 

As for talking to A about my abandonment, I haven't really felt like I can get that personal with her. I haven't even told my boyfriend that I suffer from it. When I try to bring it up I kind of choke and back down because he already gets a bit annoyed if I bring up things that need fixing in our relationship (Which are little to be honest.) And since everything that's happened, I have been so open to share that much any longer. I tried contacting her, but to no avail.

[YoungLadyIneed]

Wiseman2,

He doesn't seem to do it any more since he's annoyed with A's and C's very outward and inappropriate public displays of affection. But before when it was happening, I actually wasn't even sure why they were hanging out so much. I think its probably because he's a push over and let's people win him over when they want to hang or drive around regardless if he wants to or not.

 

A doesn't follow any religion she doesn't believe in god. She's actually hippie who believes in reincarnation and some other stuff I don't too much understand. And my boyfriend is pretty much agnostic regardless of what he tries to say. So they are both able to date openly.

 

As for the feeling of losing A to my boyfriend. I actually am more concerned about this than losing my boyfriend to this because he's not like that. The reason for this is because this has happened before. I have lost a friend (a while ago) to my older sister. And they kept in touch and all that and the former friend (Calling him Xbox guy) just stopped talking to me and removed me from their friends list and every horrible thing possible simply because I was talking to other people every now and then. He just wanted me to talk to him. He still talks to me sister and that hurts. He didn't even try to talk it over with me he just stopped talking for absolutely no reason.

 

So far now, the same thing is happened with A and my boyfriend. It's literally a repeat of events that already occurred with Xbox guy. When asking my boyfriend if I was to no longer be friends with A, and if he would be friends with her still, he replied yes. And was pretty snappy about it. I think he thought I was being selfish

 

Losing A altogether would be better than anything but still hearing how much my boyfriend still talks to her, It will just be the same thing that happened with Xbox guy. And I really can't deal with that. Especially since I haven't done anything.

 

My boyfriend is still with me even after he seemed annoyed by my feelings at the time. I got over it (i guess) on my own and I refuse to bring it up with my boyfriend because he's not really the understanding type when it comes to my feelings. Really he's not going anywhere, unless I break up with him. Those are his words. And if he does break up or leave, he'll do it over a different problem we share.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like when you have a falling out with someone you expect others to also stop being their friend as a show of loyalty?.

Losing A altogether would be better than anything but still hearing how much my boyfriend still talks to her, It will just be the same thing that happened with Xbox guy. And I really can't deal with that.

[YoungLadyIneed]

In all honesty I don't actually mind if these people stay friends. But for the reason the the former stop talking to me, worries me to the point where I don't want it to happen to my sister or bf. I just want to be understood, and I want for my boyfriend or my sister, in this case, to understand that I was some how betrayed by people who called themselves my friends. I don't like people who are two faced or only need you until someone else come along. And that's how these people have acted. And I actually worry more about this than anything. And also, I hadn't even done anything in the first place so that makes me more worried. If I had actually fought with these people and done something to actually make them stop talking to me, then I would understand and wouldn't care. I'm not actually so selfish as to want these people to stop being friends. I'm just saying that what has happened has really hurt me, and It's hard for me to deal with the fact that they just talk to happily to each other right in front of me and then I get slighted and A or Xbox guy literally won't talk to to me or are shunning me and will literally act petty. That's what I'm saying .

[Wiseman2]

Not all people are deep or have deep friendships, some are superficial and fair whether friends. People will come and go in your life. Sometimes when they go it has nothing to do with you, they just change, evolve, move on, etc.

 

How much do you want them to 'understand'? It sounds like you want them to not be friends with those you are no longer close to. But that's not for you to influence, even calling it 'betrayed', which it really isn't. It's disappointment that the friendships are not as close as they once were.

 

You can't pick other people's friends or drone on because you are no longer friends with someone.This energy would be better spent cultivating new friends and realizing people come and go in our lives.

In all honesty I don't actually mind if these people stay friends. I want for my boyfriend or my sister, in this case, to understand that I was some how betrayed by people who called themselves my friends.

[YoungLadyIneed]

Thank you for changing the word from betray to disappointment, because I really could not remember it.

But yes. I've had this talk with one of my sisters and I did tell her and myself that I moved on. But there are simply times when I think how often this happens to me. Because it's been more than the times I mentioned.

And because they are so close to home. I dwell a bit on them from time to time. And then wonder if im worth anything as a person who just nice to talk to and be around.

 

As for having these people understand. I don't actually want to tell them, "Hey, you've hurt me." I just want it to be known what was going on at the time. I understand that people move on. I had a lot of good friends who moved on and I'm fine. But these instances were far different. And like I said, I don't mind them being from all too much.

 

I only want to find some way to deal with this internally so it wont eat me up like it has been in such unnecessary ways when I think about it.

 

So I have moved on since. I just want some advice as to how to deal with this problem for when I start thinking about it

 

I cant make friends anymore because Im shy or people lose interest really fast and a lot of people have used me for some a few things too. But that's some other story.. My boyfriend wants me to have friends too.

 

He tells me that I should just get counselling to deal with my problems. But that cost money. So. Yeah I just want to know how to cope really.

 

This situation just eats away at me when I'm alone and thinking and it may bother me for a few hours or days. That's all.

[Wiseman2]

Just say to yourself "I don't need this drama and neither does anyone else. I'm pushing people away trying to force my opinions and problems and drama on them". then let it go.

 

Your bf is not making several hundred dollars an hour to listen to this stuff, so he's right. Maybe this complaining drove the others away too?

I only want to find some way to deal with this internally. He tells me that I should just get counselling to deal with my problems.

[YoungLadyIneed]

I'll give it a shot.

 

I actually don't complain to anyone other than my bf since I don't want anyone in my business or to get the wrong idea or to even talk about it wither other people. I only talk to my boyfriend since I have no one else to talk to. So no. I don't complain and it's all kept bottled up.

 

I'm honestly not sure why everyone else left. Some people, I understand like old internet friends and what not. But the recent ones I just made... I guess they lost interest. Most people I know in college know each other. Im guessing that I'm just not the friend of interest??? That doesn't really bother me to be honest. And I don't blame people for things like that because I know it happens.

[Annia]

I quite don't understand what your problem is... I've tried to read it over and I still don't understand. However, I feel like you have some problems communicating directly to people who do things that upset your or disappoint you. It would be better for everyone if instead of nagging your boyfriend with this or being so upset and stuck on it, you'd tell directly A and Xbox guy how you felt for once and then leave it at that. If you feel that the time to say something has passed or whatever, simply move on. Life's too short for all that drama. I'm not by any means saying that your feelings aren't important or valid, I'm just saying that I feel that you're making this bigger than it is and stressing so much about something that is not making you any good. Seems like a case of overthinking and over complicating. Also, if I were you I'd work on your self esteem.

 

People come and go and people change and evolve. No one owes anyone anything, so if A doesn't cherish your friendship it's ok to be sad, but you have to respect that and let go. That's part of life.

 

Wish you the best.