Beyond patience

[thatdoggirl]

I am posting in the grief section for a reason.. also I haven't been on this forum in ages but I need a place to vent and loved reading posts here in the past so I might as well write here. I'm sorry for babbling but I feel kind of alone right now and I need somewhere to write. I am a single mom of one child. She is 5 and she is a wonderful, fun loving little girl. She comes with challenges though because she has been diagnosed with adhd and is going to preschool an extra year and it's taken me a while to accept that. I get along ok with her dad although that is a complicated stressful situation but she loves her dad which is done because that is her daddy. He is involved at least as far as he sees her often however I know he isn't the best emotionally supportive person, he's a bit self centered, and he isn't helpful academically as he has a learning disability and dropped out of school in 10th grade. On top of that he has 2 older daughter 11 and 12 and just recently got custody of them because their mother is a druggy. Until recently in the last year or two I had been slightly more involved in their lives then he has been because of actually get them like once a month even after I had been broke up with him and I dealt with their drama filled mother for the same of the girls. Yeah, I was a bit codependent. It's been hard but I have been pulling back even more so lately cuz they are getting to a wild age and going through a lot and their dad has rubbed me the wrong way asking for help but then later taking it back. If you havent been able to tell yet I have had years of this codependent game back and forth. Now the reason I'm posting I here is mostly from my background... mom fought several years of codependency and i got to see her struggle with her divorce and custody battle with half brother and sister's father plus my biological dad was a great guy..... he was the fun dad that I didn't get enough time with. He died when I was 16. We moved from California to Ohio when I was 9 and is fly back to Ohio to visit my dad 3 or 4 times a year. I didn't know til much after her death that he was a functioning alcoholic. He never quit smoking and he died of lung cancer to the brain but he was the best dad ever. I'm sorry that my writing and thoughts are so scattered unfortunately I'm in a very bad place emotionally right now. But basically I've come to a point in my life where I am angry with everyone and I just wish with all my being that me and my daughter can live out west right now. I want to be there but I've been stuck in Ohio since I was 9 years old due to my mom and her moving for her now ex-husband's family. California has been home to me since I was born but it's nearly impossible to relocated now as a single mother and cost of living is so much higher out west. I have nothing left for me in ohio. To top it off i made too much money last year to quality for child care assistance so because I made "too much" I had to move back in with my mom and I am barely scraping by and the house is selling and my mom is going to get a place temporarily with my sister until she gets to move out west in the fall. I should be happy for her but I am pissed as I have to find my own place and be stuck in ohio another year. There are no words to explain how much the west means to me. I know it sounds stupid as hell on the outside but I haven't felt at home since I arrived here and I've been stuck in ohio against my will for 19 years and it hurts more and more every year. A lot of it is my own fault for my own stupid choices like being a single mother and crap but I even have a decent job now and just barely above 130% poverty line so I don't get extra help. I miss the west. I would settle for Nevada or Arizona even just to be close to California. It makes me feel happier being in a sunny environment and closer to my home state plus the nostalgia of feeling connected or close to my dad. I can't even explain it properly right now but just imagine your heart and body being squeezed and twisted into tiny tight knits and tears rolling down your cheek because you are going to be stuck in ohio for another year struggling to move forward and struggling to figure out how to care for your daughter the best you can everyday while trying to advance and sacrifice part of the fire that makes you want to live every day. I hope some form of this post makes some kind of sense to someone out there. I hope someone at least just understands.